I had the kids in counseling even before my x left the house, then through and after the divorce. They still know they can see her to talk about things whenever they want to. It's not a bad idea...
CTH, do you have the sandcastles book? there are some specific things in there that you can repeat to the girls (broken down by age) to help them with some of this stuff. It also helps you understand how the kids feel about divorce at various stages of life.
But I agree that perhaps a counselor who specializes in working with the kids of divorce is probably a good idea if talking to them is not helping.
You're a good dad always looking out for your little girls and recognizing what they're feeling and going through. That's great!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Awest, the girls both have a counselor, but neither STBXW or I can I afford to send them consistently.
Long week for STBXW. Had the daddy-daughter dance Thursday night with D11. It was a lot of fun. After, on the drive home, D11 talked about the "talk" they got from STBXW. D8 didn't misinterpret anything. STBXW basically blamed me for all of her troubles.
D11 said she went to her room to pack -- and decided not to say anything.
I told D11 that I'd love to have her and D8, but I don't think STBXW would ever recover if that happened. She needs them.
Today I get a text from STBXW. There is a jogging stroller available. It's $40. Will I buy it for her?
Lots, lots going on in this text.
First off -- the stroller is for D8. I know, I know. She's 8, but she thinks its fun to ride with someone pushing her. That's not the issue here.
* She's with the girls so if I say no she might just tell them how cheap I am.
* We got a jogging stroller back when D11 was 2 and STBXW started running with me. It took a few weeks, but then she really got into it. We ran together every day and she got down to a size 2 and it was one of the best years of our marriage. So I thought about that.
* STBXW needs to begin working out. When I moved out I remember one of things she said is "she's fine being fat." She used to be a cheerleader for a CBA team so deep down I knew that wasn't true. I thought eventually she'd want to get back in shape. D11 also needs to be working out. She's not getting enough activity. On my weekends, we go to the health club or do something active. If D11 starts running with STBXW, that's a big plus.
* I know it's not my job to be her fall back anymore -- but all things added up -- I text back. Yes. I will do that.
An hour later I get a series of texts. D8 is throwing a fit because STBXW won't buy her a bunch of toys. The text says D8 is coming to live with me because she doesn't know the meaning of no. The last text was "we got the stroller."
I was playing cards so when I saw it I texted "Is everything OK now?"
No response. So I went over and dropped the money in the mailbox and a "Be Mine" cookie D11 bought for her boyfriend that she left here.
Outside all of that, Friday I met friends at a downtown bar and my very first girlfriend -- who I never totally got over -- was there. We said hi and then we sat with our respective groups. I hugged her goodbye when she left -- a person in her group drank too much and threw up.
It was weird having the old GF there. I relaxed when she left.
That's enough for this week.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Watch out for splitting, kids love to do that stuff to separated parents. They tell you all the bad stuff about her and they tell her all the bad stuff about you. That said, if you continue to hear that she's badmouthing you then it would be appropriate to have a "we're parenting together" talk. It's not easy, is it!
"I told D11 that I'd love to have her and D8, but I don't think STBXW would ever recover if that happened. She needs them."
You just put a huge ugly responsibility on your girls. If you are making decisions about their lives based on what is best for STBX's mental health, that is unfair to them. Nor should they expected to be responsible for keeping STBX happy or stable. Please be very careful with your words.
Have you considered having just a C session on your own to talk about how to keep from putting your kids in the middle of things and how to avoid burdening them with STBX's care and upkeep, as well as avoiding codependency traps?
Your involvement in the stroller business is bit of a mess. You are getting divorced. Stop trying to manage STBX's physical and mental health. It isn't appropriate. The codependency here is sick and thick. It could help you a lot to get involved with a codependents group for your own sake.
Funny thing, I was leaving church and decided to go over to the resale shop where STBXW got the stroller -- and STBXW and D8 were there picking it up. STBXW was also getting a bed set for her uncle who has moved in with her mom.
STBXW has a pretty messed up family. None of them really made much of themselves.
D8 came running up and gave me a huge hug. And I walked her back to the van and put her inside.
D11 must have just decided to wait at home.
The church message the past two weeks -- and the next two -- is "how to be rich." Not how to get rich, but how to be rich, because by worldwide standards almost everyone in the U.S. is rich.
It's a tough message right now because I'm scrimping and scraping by. I stayed in on Saturday night because there wasn't really anything new or different going on and I'll need that money next week for D11's birthday party. We're hitting an indoor water park. I got 8 tickets around Christmas for $10 each -- $200 savings. After, she and seven friends are having a sleepover in my 1,000-square-foot house. Should be interesting. I'll spend most of it in the basement watching TV.
After D11's birthday, the next big thing is baseball's opening day -- March 31 -- and my annual trip to Cincinnati.
Then, since there's no longer a reason to celebrate the anniversary -- April 27, No. 15 -- then it's saving time to summer.
On that note. STBXW turned down switching the three weekends I have running races to work that I'm also supposed to have the girls. So I asked if she'd just take them -- I can't afford to not work. And she agreed.
It [censored] that I'll be missing 2 1/2 weekends with them -- one of the races is a Friday/Saturday assignment so I'll be back to get them Saturday night. But, from a budget standpoint, those are three weekends I'll be earning money and not spending and that'll help in the summer.
OT, I don't feel bad about the stroller. STBXW needs to get back in shape to feel better about herself and that just helps the girls. D11 needs BOTH parents staying in shape as an example of how to healthy.
Back to the money front, I'm getting a break right now by doing some data entry work for my sister up in Minnesota. It's not much, but every little bit counts.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
OT, I don't feel bad about the stroller. STBXW needs to get back in shape to feel better about herself and that just helps the girls. D11 needs BOTH parents staying in shape as an example of how to healthy.
I don't think OT is saying you need to "feel bad" about it. The question I would pose is are you going to start buying organic food for her because both parents need to be healthy, or paying car repairs because the kids need two parents with working cars. Will you chip in for a vacation for her because everyone needs to get away, it's good for the kids! Well, you get the drift. Most things can be legitimized in our minds, good or bad, so just be careful what you're footing the bill for and really think about why you're doing it. The fact that you are scraping to get by and you're forking out 40 bucks for her fitness needs sets off alarm bells for me. Read a book on Co-dependency from the library on one of those staying in Saturday nights and see if any of it fits your sitch.
You know what Wii, in a couple of years, depending on my situation, would I chip in for the girls to go on vacation?
If it was just her and the girls, or her the girls and her mom?
Maybe.
If there was a guy involved. No. Is that wrong? I'm not sure, but that's definite boundary I've drawn.
I have gone to co-dependency classes. I know what it is. It's a long process to wean yourself from someone.
Remember, she didn't go to court seeking every single dollar she'd likely win. She willingly offered less on child support and less on insurance. Perhaps it was her guilt. Would I be as charitable? I don't think so. I'm very bottom-line driven.
One of the things I've learned in the past couple of years is that I struggle saying "thanks" to those that are close to me. I'm quick to thank and compliment casual friends or coworkers.
But thank my mom, my sister, my wife, my step mom -- hard for me. I'm not sure why. I think it's a result of my parents divorce. I don't want to feel vulnerable and allowing others to do things for me is being vulnerable.
The only people I've really shown unconditional love to are my daughters.
I listened to a sermon our pastor gave last year -- two words that change everything: thank you. And I'm trying to be thankful for everything in my life.
The divorce [censored] -- but I never thought I'd be lucky enough to marry someone like STBXW in the first place. I'm thankful for the good years we had. Looking back -- I'd do it again.
Not getting to tuck my girls in every night [censored] -- but I'm grateful I have to beautiful daughters who I'm closer to now perhaps than ever before. I've learned a lot about how to listen and not talk, not to fix things, to let others work things out on their own and I've put them into practice with D8 and D11.
Having to work three jobs to get by [censored] -- but the summer running race job keeps me in shape and puts me in downtown Chicago six weekends a summer. That's cool. In the winter, I get paid to watch high school basketball games. It seems at every game I run into a ref, coach or parent that I grew up with. That's fun.
Having to donate plasma for that little bit extra [censored] -- there's not a lot positive to say there other than I'm glad it's an option.
Living in a small house [censored] compared with where I used to live -- but I'm next door to my uncle and his pool and I know everyone in a three block radius. It's better than an apartment, it's a beautiful street and my daughters like it so much they want me to "buy" it when I can.
I could go on. I have to stop blaming STBXW for my life. I made all the choices that landed me here -- from marrying STBXW, to staying here instead of pursuing better jobs in other states, to buying her a thoughtless Christmas present that I'm still trying to live down, to buying the house that is now an anchor around our necks. I may have felt pressure on some of those decisions, but ultimately they were my decisions.
Maybe I'm just being sentimental. Tonight, I got the letter my attorney has drafted for her attorney to push the divorce forward. No more waiting. Let's get it done. She'll get it sometime next week. It'll change the dynamic a bit and it hurt to read it -- but I wasn't devastated like I was last year every time I got a letter from her attorney.
Do I deep, deep, deep down cling to hope that she'll change her mind? Yes. There's always going to be that .0000005 percent of me that won't give up. That's part of what makes me me. I admit it, and I believe most people on these boards have that feeling to.
Perhaps some of my better mood is because I know she's struggling -- and I feel very guilty about that. I always felt I wasn't the reason for her unhappiness and she'd find that out eventually. She may never say it though. We both struggle to admit when we are wrong.
Lord, divorce is a tough thing. You don't want to see the person who was the center of your universe fall completely to pieces, but you don't want them to thrive either.
I've read others write that true detachment is when you actually root for them to thrive without you. Boy, that's tough and I can't imagine the day it will be like that for me.
I'm just rambling. Been an amazing day at work. Perhaps it's adrenaline. I have to get some sleep so I can get to my 5 a.m. workout class tomorrow.
Life's a process and tomorrow is another chance to get things right.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Well, look at it this way, if you really want your M back, the first step is to really let go and detach. Otherwise STBXW will never have the space to see if D is what she really wants until after the D.
