Shine on you crazy diamond...

[Sad_but_happy]

FOBD, I've been reading up on your sitch. You've been there for others even as your heart dies a thousand deaths.

This shows great character!

All you can do in the face of despair is live! That's right, continue to live. The alternative is awful.

You will make it through one minute at a time!

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Thanks for the "bail out" today. After the words of encouragement, I got up, and went to the gym for 2 1/2 hours. I worked out until I could not move my arms. At least while I am there, I am focused on me and I am in public and not sitting alone in my house. It really did me some good. I feel better right now. Unfortunately, the plans I had for tonight have fallen through and I am now facing a night alone in the house. Not cool...

Denver, with all the stuff you are battling right now after the blow you took just 48 hours ago, I can't thank you enough for coming to my aid. You are one hell of an individual, my man. I think your W better wake up and realize she is letting one heck of a guy slip away. To all my BITS, thank you. Thank you very much.

I just think it was the damned dreams. I can't seem to stop them lately. Sometimes I have three or four a night and she is in all of them. And they are always the same. At some point in the dream, I get to touch her, hold her, hug her or hear her say she wants to come home and I am so relieved. Inside the dream I am so happy and then I wake up. I look over at the empty pillow next to me and my heart just drops. I know I can't control my dreams, but they are my worst enemy right now. They haunt me all night long.

I have been getting some conflicting advice here, so I want to ask some questions for clarification. Between my post about where I stated I am worried about the past blocking a possible return (wanting to apologize for past behavior) and my post this morning, I got opinions that seemed to differ from what I have been getting in the past weeks. Some of you think I should approach her and apologize much like 2step did (which in a way kind of constitutes R talk, but in a good way). While others continue to tell me to give her space. So, the question is this? Is it or is it not time for me to approach her? It has been five months since she moved out. But, it is also only one week since she came by and "peacocked" around my kitchen. I have come so far. I really don't want a mis-step or a setback right now.

Advice? Thoughts? 2x4's?

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[2stepboogie]

FOBD I am going to the movies with my D after the movie I will come back and address your question. I am glad you are feeling better. Hang tight!

[Lotus]

I'm a big fan of the letter. Handwritten is best, but email can be alright. Not a big fan of the text message.

There are many good things about a letter. First of all, you can think carefully about what you say in a letter. You can explain yourself fully without being interrupted. And then she doesn't need to respond immediately. She can take time and digest it. Read it again. Think about her response before making it. Or even make no response.

She may not forgive you right away. But the fact that you did actually apologize can only lessen her anger. maybe not immediately, but certainly over time. No one can change the past. An apology and a commitment to change the future is the best we can do.

[Chrysalid]

FOBD sorry you had a bad morning but kudos for you to gaining that strength and putting your big boy pants on and getting up and at em !

i too feel jealousy for the successes here, although i'm very happy for everyone i wish with all my heart that i was right there with them and being able to post my 'positive steps' but I do learn from those who are in a better place and try and emulate their actions so i can apply them when it's my turn and i'm confident we will have our turn.

as for the apology i'm torn on this one... my husband was like lotus'. I never got an apology out of him .. ever ! so i would welcome one right now, and probably fall over at the same time !! but i too am still holding some anger (that i'm working on thanks to C) and i would have to know that it was a sincere apology or it would just be empty words and i would resent him more. Only you know your W and you will know when the right time is to approach her and what you expect to accomplish from doing so. If you jump too soon and she spits it back at you what will that do to you ?

and hey..mushrooms grow in the dark and damp and are covered in sh*t but they happen to be my favourite veggie

[lostinscared]

FOBD,

Oh honey, first... big, big hugs to you!!! I know the nightmares. I had many of my own. And you have to push through that. I finally got some Xanax with week because I couldn't take it anymore.

We've had this talk about other people's progress before. You need to let them run their race and you need to run yours. You don't know what the end result will be of their situations anyway. It isn't until the end, you truly know if they were successful. So get it out of your mind. The important thing to realize is that just because you are not seeing enough progress doesn't reflect poorly on you. FOBD, you are such an awesome guy. The new FOBD is SEXY. I love his attitude. You are doing a great job of DB'ing and you have definitely become introspective and have tried to fix yourself. You also helped many of us along the way. I happen to be one of them. You were my first friend here and you stuck by me the whole time. Your advice about getting into the gym routine, well that was one of the things that turned me around. So, you know the rules. You know what works. That she is not responding fast enough... that is her problem right now.

Now, the anger thing... she seems to be regressing. You want to know why? She is seriously pissed at herself because she is starting to think that FOBD may not be such a bad guy. You want to know how I know that?? Heard it from my WAS today. I had the same exact thing happen. He got angry again. I thought things were getting better. He turned into an ass and walked out the door and left me. The geography and timing may have been a little different but I almost guarantee you the reasoning is the same.

You need to keep on going FOBD, if you can. I do not believe it is time for your speech yet. I don't think you should write a letter yet. I think you still need to build a friendship.

FOBD, you were, are now and will ALWAYS BE our captain. And we are so proud to call you our captain. Many prayers and hugs for you FOBD.

LIS

[Denver_2010]

I agree with LIS. I think that right now it is pursuing. She really needs the time and the space to see what life will be like without you. I know that it has been 5 months since she left, but she just moved into her new place and is still in the 'excitement' phase of her new life. I say continue doing what you are doing. Let her begin to realize that her new life isn't all that great. See if she begins to miss you.

If you write a letter, an idea that I don't like, or decide to have a conversation with her about this issue, it will only come across that you are still waiting for her. This is the opposite of what you want right now.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

FOBD,

I will say this much. If she is still in the anger stage then an apology will fall of deaf ears. Every sitch is different I saw a chance and took it. Maybe it bore fruit maybe it didn't but it FELT right. We aren't there with you so we just don't know but I believe if you are thinking with a clear head you will know when that moment is right

[dixiegal]

FOBD (Cap't)

I'm so sorry that your feeling down. The weekends are the hardest for us. I understand how you feel. I get so excited and happy for everyone. Then it hits me....I may not get another chance. I understand about the dream too..I have them EVERY single day about H. I with ya...

But, here is the deal. Your W is not in the place right now to really hear you. Just like my friend said yesterday to me. (former WAS) She was so pisst at herself, but she blamed her H for it. She convinced herself that all this was because of him. Even, though she had the affair and etc. She even said that he would be so nice/sweet to her. How it would make her even more mad!!! The real deal was that she was mad at herself and full of her own guilt. She was lost....confused.

I feel like if you wrote her a letter or anything it would make it worse for you both. It would make her pull back and prolong your pain. I don't want that for you sweet FOBD.

Listen here, you have been here to hold me and a few others up when we were really down. It's okay to feel beat down. You are human and are going through some of the hardest things ever! But, you gotta STAND UP and be proud of the man that you are becoming! We are all proud of you and I for one feel blessed to have you as a fellow BITS!

But, right now....cry, be mad, hurt and just let it all out. It's okay...then get back to DBing! We all got your back Capt!

Praying for you~

Dixie

"Life is short, Pray hard!"

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Well, my W just came by the house. It was a scheduled visit. She was bringing me back some of my stuff that got taken accidentally during her move and to bring me the suitcase I need for my trip.

The visit did not go as I had planned. She called me to let me know she was coming over. So, I tried to get myself composed. I guess I didn't do a very good job. When she arrived, I met her out front of the house. She didn't really acknowledge me that much. We unloaded the car together and made small-talk. She seemed to be in a big hurry to leave. During her other visits, she seemed to linger more. So, for a brief moment we stood out front and I asked her how she was doing. She just said "fine" in a very "matter of fact" tone. She really didn't seem all that interested in talking. So, I asked her if there was something wrong? She said no. I told her she seemed to be acting a bit strange. She replied, "I am fine but what is wrong with you?"

Since I started working out, I have developed a couple of callus' on my hands. I realize now that when I get nervous, I pick at them. She looked right at me asked me why I was picking at my hand and why I was shaking. I didn't even realize it, but my hands were shaking. She said that I was the one acting strange. I couldn't help it. I was shaking and my stomach was getting upset. This is insane. I spent 15 years with this woman and now I shake when I am in a room with her.

I tried my best to shrug it off and I told her that I had skipped lunch. She proceeded to tell me more about her new place and how she has started decorating. But the conversation didn't last long. I couldn't help. I finally looked her in the eyes and asked her, "So, how are you doing?" She again just said fine. She asked me the same thing and I replied the same. She briefly asked me about my trip and that was about it. She said she had to go and just turned and went to her car. She didn't look back or anything. Just got in the car and drove off like she was leaving the gas pump or something.

I don't think she could have cared less. There was no emotion, no love, no caring, nothing. She was two feet from the man she once loved with all her heart and nothing.

I did my best to show no emotion either, but I was at least upbeat. She was just "there." When she left, I was devastated. Really, wife? Really? 15 years and nothing????? I am starting to think she is really done with us. I didn't get any of the positive vibes that I got from other visits. I just don't think she really cares any more. My C kept telling me that I should start to worry when I start to see indifference. She could not have been any more indifferent than she was today.

Folks, I know my w. I have watched her every move for 15 years. I usually know when she is not telling the truth, when she is sad, happy, whatever. Today was no "parlor trick." She honestly just didn't care that I was even there. It was awful...

I don't know how it is that I can get on here and give people advice that can help them but then I can't help myself. Why?

The only thing that was good is that she is still wearing her wedding band. But, she wears it on her right hand and she hides it under another decorative ring. But she is still wearing it. My w never wore much jewelry. She is not a big fan. And, she never slept with any on. The wedding band and this decorative ring or not connected. So, she is knowingly putting this on every morning. Putting on a piece of jewelry on is not an involuntary action. You have to knowingly do it. And, for now, she is still doing it. That is the only ray of hope I got today...

Well, I at least go one answer today that I was looking for. No, she is definitely not in a place where I could approach her wit a "I am sorry for what I have done" speech. I am still miles from there for sure.

I think I am going to go crawl back in bed for a bit...

FOBD