Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

GAG I'm dark mainly because anything xh has sent has not required a response and I'm afraid to get in a convo with him because he says hurtful things without realizing it. I've been a lot happier being dark. I am not ruling out dim if I can handle it, but yeah, this is really one day or week at a time.

I have read Katie's book. I need to reread it. Because I've been walking around talking about suffering a lot, and the fact is that I'm grieving, not suffering. If I were suffering then everything else in my life would be a wreck and it just isn't. I spent the last 8 hours writing a conference paper and I'm feeling like I'm getting more "powerful" with each sentence. I'm feeling very proud of myself for my accomplishments. I have a lot of fulfilling things in my life now that I either didn't have before or didn't notice before. And a friend yesterday told me my exH gave me a gift: by betraying me, he gave me back to myself.

I feel more "myself" and more centered and happy with who I am more than at any point in my life. I never felt so "correct" with myself before. I don't think I was ever going to feel that way in the marriage with him as we were because I swear we just fed each other's problems/made each others' bad qualities bigger without knowing it.

And the truth is, that as much as I grieve the end of my marriage and the loss of my husband, if he came back right now, and he was no different than before, it would be the worst thing I could possibly do to take him back. I'd lose myself if I did. I'd have to KNOW that I wasn't going to lose myself in him/with him, and based on what I've seen, he hasn't changed one iota. Maybe he will someday, maybe he won't. I feel like he has to lose everything to really face himself, and so far, he found her to keep himself from facing anything.

But that's not my concern anymore. I like to tell myself it is, but I can't save him. I can only save me. And you know what? I already have.

Thanks for your post.