Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[lostinscared]

((((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))))))

[zengypsy]

Hope - YOU ROCK - never forget that! XO

[Denver_2010]

There it is... there is the dam that I wanted to burst. Sorry, sweetie, but it really HAD to come out.

TRUST YOUR GUT. People are going to tell you different. People are going to try to assuage you by telling you that you could be wrong. And frankly, you could be. I could be wrong about my sitch. But, if I lose faith in myself, if I can't trust myself, then I truly have lost everything.

All people hurt people. This is true. But, Hope, you are not happy right now and you haven't been for awhile. I don't mean you're not happy because the situation is bad, you're not happy because you don't like who your husband is right now and you haven't for awhile. And instead of seeing the situation for what it is... Instead of just coming to terms with the facts that you laid out above, for some reason, you've decided to turn the gun on yourself??? You decide because he is not being a good husband and because you have had some bad relationships or made some bad choices, this must be what you deserve or you must not be reading the situation correctly or there must be something wrong with you. And sweetie, that's JUST NOT TRUE.

Now, I need to put this in context here. I'm not saying to leave him. I am not saying that continuing on with the program is not the right thing to do. But I want you to do these things with your eyes wide open. And with your eyes wide open, you need to deal with the fact that your gut is telling you he's cheating. So what's your next move?

My gut told me that my H is cheating and I can move on from that. I cut off all sexual contact with him prior to the breakdown and I just get what happened. Many, many women would not agree with me. And that's cool. They don't get to be me so I'm not worried about what they think.

And you, you need not worry about what I think, what the other ladies think, what the BITS think, what your H thinks, what your family thinks... you need to be concerned about what YOU think and what YOU want. Then after you decide that, then decide how YOU are going to get it.

Hope, I wish so much to be there to hold your hand and give you a big hug because you really are fighting so hard and I really see how much you are trying to change. You need to be so proud of yourself for that. We are proud of you. It's time to think now. Quiet your mind and start thinking...

I'm praying for you and I'm praying for your peace.

LIS

This is what I wanted to say the other night when I was told you that I was thinking of how to respond to what was going on. LIS has ripped the bandaid off and said what needed to be said... and, more importantly, gotten YOU to recognize and say things that you needed to recognize and say.

Hope - You have to trust your instincts... that feeling in your gut. It is our compass. I have learned to trust mine above all else... above anything that I have read here and above any advice I receive from anyone.

But... your head has to be clear. Then, and only then, will your heart, your gut, instinct, your spidey sense, whatever you want to call it, be your guide.

I don't know what your H is, has, or will do. I have a feeling that you do though.

You don't deserve to settle for someone who does not love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

Choose what is right for your happiness... for YOUR life Hope.

BITS
Denver

[hopefulandhonest]

See, Hope, that's your decision not your indecision. If this guy sticks around, then you stay. If not, you have some decisions to make. The whole time you have been dealing from the mindset that you are the one auditioning for the part of his W. But really, he is also auditioning for the part of your H.

You can't have all of this answered right now. Just like the rest of our spouses, you need to wait and see if his changes stick. If they do, then great. If they don't, then you make your decisions.

BUT you are not indecisive. You know what you want. You are just not sure if he can deliver.

But, if he cannot deliver, this does not make you a bad person. That is a reflection on him. You are making changes that are good for you. That is ALL you can do. Be happy with who YOU are. If he decides in the end to go back to being a jerk or to cheating, that is a reflection on HIM not YOU. But when you say you do not what to do or go from here. That is not true. You know exactly what to do. You keep DB'ing and you wait for the answers to come. And they will, that we can all be assured of.

That's exactly what I've been struggling to figure out how to do! I guess I just needed someone to point me in the right direction or open my eyes and show me I'm already on the path. He has to prove himself. I have to continue to work on me. I need to be patient and see where this goes. I need to detach more and GAL, even though that may be counterproductive to piecing. But if I don't, I won't ever see things clearly or be true to myself.

No, I don't like the guy he's been the past 2 years. Is it him or is stress, financial issues, whatever... doesn't matter, it's still him and how he deals with things. So he needs to change too and you are so 110% right... I have been auditioning for the part of his wife since we met. It's exhausting. He tried out for the role being my husband and then once he got it, he quit trying. He's got to step up to the plate. He's got to own his mistakes too. I can't keep holding the gun to my head, you are right. LIS, I should pay you for therapy sessions because you tapped into more in just a few posts than our MC ever did. lol

So now that things are changing and he may or may not be changing too... I need to see what happens. Until either I'm convinced he's changed too or I'm tired of waiting.

H and I talked last night some. He's been sooooo cherry, happy, nice the past few days that it's freaking me out. I know, that sounds horrible, but it's true. So I asked him to sit down with me and we talked. I told him that I appreciate all he's doing, glad he's in a good mood and happy but I need to know why. I need to the truth about the panties, I need to know the truth about everything. I need an apology because this has caused me a tremendous amount of pain and I can't move past it until he recognizes that fact. I need to know if I'm the source of his happiness or something else is going on. That I'm having trouble trusting him and I'm really struggling right now. It was a pretty deep discussion. I need to be able to talk to him about anything. Yeah, I finally grew a pair.

He was upset, teared up swearing on the boys' lives that he never met another woman since we've been together. He apologized, actually apologized, said he hadn't realized that he hadn't. That he was sorry the dating site and he was really "done" then but was having second thoughts all during the holidays and didn't want to pull the trigger on our marriage. That after New Year's and all that happened and me finding out about the dating site and how I handled that (not screaming, trying to talk, understand), how much he sees me trying to make it work and the e-mail I wrote him made him realize he was an idiot and "I saw that I can't find anyone better than you" (which, I guess could be taken several different ways?!). That he loves me and doesn't want a divorce and there isn't anyone else and he only wants me. The talk lasted 15 - 20 minutes. I got out everything I felt without crying or getting upset or losing my temper. He listened, he responded, he validated, he apologized. He didn't get defensive once. I think he almost DB'd me last night! The only negative part was I made a comment that I'd like his passwords and he said no, that his e-mail acct is 10 years old and I'd just pull it apart and look at stuff from his ex's and it would make matters worse. Yeah, ok, I can see how he'd think that but please, I've already hacked it. I don't care about the past but the present. I didn't say that though. He did say "you're a tech person, you can hack it anyway" so I left it at that. My H listens... even if he doesn't respond, he does hear everything I say and absorbs it. So I'm going to give him time to absorb it all.

I was worried after we talked that his mood would change, like it has in the past. But it didn't. He was still pleasant. This morning, we talked about V day a bit. He said let's make it simple this year. I said no. That I lost out on New Year's Eve, that I always put a lot of thought into holidays. I reminded him of our first V day, I spent a week cutting out little hearts and photos and how he said no one had ever taken so much time and effort to make him feel loved. I told him I want that. Maybe not that crazy but I want to feel loved and special and it wasn't about buying stuff but showing me he loves me. I hope I just didn't set up both up on that request. But I do need it and he does need to step up.

So here I am... DB'ing. Giving his changes a chance. My gut says he probably cheated but that he's honestly starting to look at his self too. I want to stick around for a little while to see what happens.

[hope2011]

hopefulandhonest = hope2011 Finally found my old username from trying to register months ago, was cookied in my browser somehow. Sticking with the hope2011, I like the name better.

[2stepboogie]

hope,

I think you need to be patient with him and yourself here. All indications is that he is trying but he is falling short of your standards. I think maybe you need to manage your expectations a little bit here.

"he can't find anyone better" is not necessarily a bad thing to say. I know how you can take that but listen that is a man's way of saying you are the one for him. A woman would take that differently than the way it is meant to come out.

He is making an effort acknowledge it and accept it, your turn

[hope2011]

2step, I'm still DB'ing. I vent here, fall to pieces here... but to him, all he sees is positive DB stuff. So I'm going to acknowledge his efforts and return them more.

V Day... not a clue what to do? I'm the queen of going overboard on anything and everything (shocking, huh? <<<< sarcasm). Usually, I think about it for weeks ahead of time, spent a lot of effort, pour a lot of love into it. This year, I've been too freaked out to think about it. What if he does nothing? What if I look like a needy, desperate fool? What if he's not ready? He's the shop at the last minute, pick up roses on the way home and a card at the grocery store guy. He's not that great at picking out personalized gifts. So me being over the top is a bit much right now. But then, I don't want to look like I'm holding back either.

This piecing limbo is hard. Gotta knock down my own walls....

[2stepboogie]

I am sure you are doing the right thing in front of him and working your tail off, but inside you are torn. Eventually those inner emotions will manifest themselves outward

[hope2011]

I hope not, 2step. Not until I'm 100% sure of where this is going and I know what I want. Fake it til I make it.

[Chrysalid]

hope, this is the first opportunity i've had to read your sitch in it's entirety. I'm very sorry for all your pain, you're much too young to have had this much relationship heartache in your life. Both my ex's (fiance, long term bf) were both cheaters. I finally opened my heart to my current H, i trusted him , i believed in my soul he was a different man than my ex's and he was for the better part of 8 years and then he changed. Did i contribute to that ? most definitely but have I couldn't blame myself for choosing the wrong man, i trusted my heart and i still love him to death but it was through both our actions that contributed to the demise of our marriage.

As women, we are our own worst enemies, we have an incredible sense of instinct especially if we've been down this road before and we let it fester to the point that we lose control of ourselves and our situations and in the end taint all the hard work we are trying to accomplish.

It breaks my heart to hear of your story and i understand the thoughts that eat away at us but if you want to repair your marriage and continue piecing you have to keep doing what you're doing and be the positive light at all times in front of him, don't let him see your weaknesses or your doubt as it'll push him backwards.

take care and good luck *hugs*