See, Hope, that's your decision not your indecision. If this guy sticks around, then you stay. If not, you have some decisions to make. The whole time you have been dealing from the mindset that you are the one auditioning for the part of his W. But really, he is also auditioning for the part of your H.
You can't have all of this answered right now. Just like the rest of our spouses, you need to wait and see if his changes stick. If they do, then great. If they don't, then you make your decisions.
BUT you are not indecisive. You know what you want. You are just not sure if he can deliver.
But, if he cannot deliver, this does not make you a bad person. That is a reflection on him. You are making changes that are good for you. That is ALL you can do. Be happy with who YOU are. If he decides in the end to go back to being a jerk or to cheating, that is a reflection on HIM not YOU. But when you say you do not what to do or go from here. That is not true. You know exactly what to do. You keep DB'ing and you wait for the answers to come. And they will, that we can all be assured of.
That's exactly what I've been struggling to figure out how to do! I guess I just needed someone to point me in the right direction or open my eyes and show me I'm already on the path. He has to prove himself. I have to continue to work on me. I need to be patient and see where this goes. I need to detach more and GAL, even though that may be counterproductive to piecing. But if I don't, I won't ever see things clearly or be true to myself.
No, I don't like the guy he's been the past 2 years. Is it him or is stress, financial issues, whatever... doesn't matter, it's still him and how he deals with things. So he needs to change too and you are so 110% right... I have been auditioning for the part of his wife since we met. It's exhausting. He tried out for the role being my husband and then once he got it, he quit trying. He's got to step up to the plate. He's got to own his mistakes too. I can't keep holding the gun to my head, you are right. LIS, I should pay you for therapy sessions because you tapped into more in just a few posts than our MC ever did. lol
So now that things are changing and he may or may not be changing too... I need to see what happens. Until either I'm convinced he's changed too or I'm tired of waiting.
H and I talked last night some. He's been sooooo cherry, happy, nice the past few days that it's freaking me out. I know, that sounds horrible, but it's true. So I asked him to sit down with me and we talked. I told him that I appreciate all he's doing, glad he's in a good mood and happy but I need to know why. I need to the truth about the panties, I need to know the truth about everything. I need an apology because this has caused me a tremendous amount of pain and I can't move past it until he recognizes that fact. I need to know if I'm the source of his happiness or something else is going on. That I'm having trouble trusting him and I'm really struggling right now. It was a pretty deep discussion. I need to be able to talk to him about anything. Yeah, I finally grew a pair.
He was upset, teared up swearing on the boys' lives that he never met another woman since we've been together. He apologized, actually apologized, said he hadn't realized that he hadn't. That he was sorry the dating site and he was really "done" then but was having second thoughts all during the holidays and didn't want to pull the trigger on our marriage. That after New Year's and all that happened and me finding out about the dating site and how I handled that (not screaming, trying to talk, understand), how much he sees me trying to make it work and the e-mail I wrote him made him realize he was an idiot and "I saw that I can't find anyone better than you" (which, I guess could be taken several different ways?!). That he loves me and doesn't want a divorce and there isn't anyone else and he only wants me. The talk lasted 15 - 20 minutes. I got out everything I felt without crying or getting upset or losing my temper. He listened, he responded, he validated, he apologized. He didn't get defensive once. I think he almost DB'd me last night! The only negative part was I made a comment that I'd like his passwords and he said no, that his e-mail acct is 10 years old and I'd just pull it apart and look at stuff from his ex's and it would make matters worse. Yeah, ok, I can see how he'd think that but please, I've already hacked it. I don't care about the past but the present. I didn't say that though. He did say "you're a tech person, you can hack it anyway" so I left it at that. My H listens... even if he doesn't respond, he does hear everything I say and absorbs it. So I'm going to give him time to absorb it all.
I was worried after we talked that his mood would change, like it has in the past. But it didn't. He was still pleasant. This morning, we talked about V day a bit. He said let's make it simple this year. I said no. That I lost out on New Year's Eve, that I always put a lot of thought into holidays. I reminded him of our first V day, I spent a week cutting out little hearts and photos and how he said no one had ever taken so much time and effort to make him feel loved. I told him I want that. Maybe not that crazy but I want to feel loved and special and it wasn't about buying stuff but showing me he loves me. I hope I just didn't set up both up on that request. But I do need it and he does need to step up.
So here I am... DB'ing. Giving his changes a chance. My gut says he probably cheated but that he's honestly starting to look at his self too. I want to stick around for a little while to see what happens.
