Shine on you crazy diamond...

[Denver_2010]

BITS,
I am having a rough morning. It is 11:00 a.m. and I am still in bed. This hasn't happened in some time. I read Lost's post this morning and started to cry. It has been five days since I have shed one tear. Last night as I tried to sleep, all I could think about was Denver and what has been tossed into his lap. Denver, you are a better man than me. I just don't know if I would stand up to that kind of pressure. It is amazing to watch you work though. You are an inspiration whether you feel that way or not. I am so proud to call all of you my friends.

Man, I know what you are going through. There have been many, MANY, nights and mornings where I all I have thought about was my situation with my W and/or someone on this boards situation... or how someone here was dealing with something that I didn't THINK that I could ever possibly deal with.

The thing is, is that EVERY time something has happened, or NOT happened, in my situation, I have figured out a way to deal with it.

I am no better than any one else on this board for standing up to what I have dealt with over the last 48 hours or the last 3 months. And trust me, MUCH of that time has not been spent standing up. Much of it has been spent with me just letting myself collapse onto my bedroom floor and just bawling like a little kid.

These are trying times for each and every one of us here. We are ALL dealing with what we are going through with courage and dignity.

FOBD, you have dealt with your situation with this courage and dignity whether or not you realize it today. Every time that you have been dealt a blow by your W you have come up swinging... EVERY time!

It is okay to have rough days... today is one of yours. This does not make you weak. It makes you human.

I am just down today because this "purgatory" I am in seems to be never-ending. Each day I come here and read about the awesome progress made by 2step, Lost, Bolt and Denver. Meanwhile, I have nothing to report. Nothing. I sit here and wave to you guys as you go by me. In my heart I am truly happy for you, but I can't help but be jealous at the same time. I hope you guys don't think less of me for this, please?

Again, I completely understand. Completely. I have, and still do, read posts here that make me jealous. All of the time. It does not mean that I'm not happy for what is or isn't happening for that person. It just means that I want whatever that thing is for my own situation. I would venture to guess that everyone here has had those 'jealous' thoughts about each other here. But it is also very clear to me that everyone here truly cares about each other and wants each other to succeed.

I do not think less of you at all. I think the world of you. You are here on this board. Fighting for you M. Fighting for you W. Fighting for what is important to you. I don't need to meet you to know that you are a man of strong character. I know this from your words here.

I had an amazing moment yesterday with my C that I wanted to tell you all about, but I didn't want to post any heavy stuff yesterday while Denver was struggling. Yesterday was about him and him only. He is out there facing the worst by himself and he needed us. None the less, I can't hold this in because it is killing me.

Yesterday, my C and I had this conversation:

C: (name), you seem to be making wonderful progress. How do you feel?

Me: Wonderful and foolish. Wonderful because I never believed I had the power to do what I have done in the past four months. Foolish because it took my W leaving me to make it happen.

C: Do you honestly believe that?

Me: Which part?

C: The part where you think that you had to be left to change your bad habits and your world.

Me: (Very, very long pause while I reflected then...) Yes, in my heart I now realize that my W had to leave. I was a jack*ss and I was never going to change. She had to leave and I caused it. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

C: You know it takes two to destroy a marriage? Right?

Me: Yes, it does. But it only takes one to start the process and I was the one that did that. I deserve what has happened to me.

C: (name), I am so proud of you. I have been waiting for this moment to come. Now, you can truly start over and make things better.

Team, I am crying so hard right now I can barely see the screen. I now sleep each night in a coffin of my own making. I have hated her for so long for leaving and now reality has hit. I can't hate her. I pushed her out the door. She tried and tried to tell me something was wrong, but I dismissed it as PMS or other crap. I am a fool.

So, this is rock bottom. It is very cold and damp down here. There is not much light and nothing to sustain life on down here. I have made such a mess. Wife, please forgive me. I am a foolish, stupid man who was living a lie.

"But it only takes one to start the process and I was the one that did that. I deserve what has happened to me."

I think that it is important that you recognize this FOBD, if it is true. This is where you will learn. About yourself as a person and as a H. Someday, this will be your EXPERIENCE that will prevent you from repeating it... with your W or someone new.

"I can't hate her. I pushed her out the door. She tried and tried to tell me something was wrong"

I know very well the guilt that you are feeling here. It is my guilt. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel it. In fact, I believe that we need to feel it and face it head on. It is the only way that we can learn from what has happened...To truly gain that EXPERIENCE. But eventually, after you have recognized it and allowed yourself to feel it, it becomes an anchor. You will have to let it go.

We can't change the past. We can only learn from it and use it to create happier and healthier moments for our lives.

Denver, I want to deeply apologize to you for stealing your thunder. Your confession hit me hard yesterday because I realized that I needed to do the same even if it doesn't bring my W back. It is just that I had this break-through yesterday and then came home to read your words and it has ll been too much. Please accept my apology as your friend and a BITS.

You absolutely do NOT have to apologize to me FOBD. We are all here for the same reasons... unfortunately. I'm sorry that my post hit your so hard. But I do think that it is important for each of us to face the TRUE facts of what has led us here to this forum. I wasn't... at least not completely. But now I am, and I am moving forward. You can, and will, do the same man.

Now get your head up... put your walking boots on... and move forward!!

BITS!
Denver