My role in this from the beginning kind of makes me physically ill. I blamed my H for the move to TN. I loved CT and I didn't want to go. But our company went under and we were 2 of 6 offered jobs here. Instead of being grateful for that, I reminded my H everyday that he was the reason I was miserable.
Once the depression started, I stopped having sex. When he got home at night, instead of being excited (like I had been for 12 years), I barely said hello. I took many opportunities to tell him everything that he did wrong, where he failed me, and where he failed others instead of building him up. This is especially disconcerting to someone who really needs validation. And especially hurtful to someone whose wedding song included the line, "I'll be the greatest fan of your life."
There was a massive breakdown in communication. I just couldn't talk anymore.
I also gave my life to him and sacrificed my own. He has a nasty spending habit and to compensate I wouldn't go out, buy anything for myself, shop for new clothes, go to the gym or do anything. So I lost myself somewhere in there and resented him for it instead of putting the blame where is squarely belonged - ME.
I also have a serious self esteem issue that really held him back with trying to integrate in a new place because I was afraid of meeting new people.
Lis, this is a good first step. In the military we call this an AAR or After Action Report/Review.
We plan for a mission for days sometimes weeks, we rehearse, and then we execute the mission. After the fog and the mission is complete we get together and identify several key factors.
What was our mission?
Did we accomplish our mission?
What can we sustain?
What are the areas we need to improve?
How can we improve them?
It is a self analysis and I believe this is what your post is. We all talk about change, we need to change this and we need to change that. What we fail to realize is that the road from admitting to recognizing to actually doing the changes we talk about is difficult, a lot more difficult than we know.
The first step you have taken, now comes the hard work of implementing the plan. It doesn’t change the advice we receive about working on yourself, on the contrary, it brings meaning to them.
You have looked in the mirror and identified problem areas that need to be worked on. When we all get on here we tell our story, our story is one sighted I wonder what our W/H would type if they came here. In my case my W has been pretty honest and open about how she felt and I’ve been lucky, still doesn’t change a thing. She is there and I am here but at least I am able to share with you guys so you can get a glimpse of what the WAS is thinking.
I heard the same complain in December, but I heard it and that is all I did, now I get it. That makes a big difference in how we approach this.
