Shine on you crazy diamond...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
I am having a rough morning. It is 11:00 a.m. and I am still in bed. This hasn't happened in some time. I read Lost's post this morning and started to cry. It has been five days since I have shed one tear. Last night as I tried to sleep, all I could think about was Denver and what has been tossed into his lap. Denver, you are a better man than me. I just don't know if I would stand up to that kind of pressure. It is amazing to watch you work though. You are an inspiration whether you feel that way or not. I am so proud to call all of you my friends.

I am just down today because this "purgatory" I am in seems to be never-ending. Each day I come here and read about the awesome progress made by 2step, Lost, Bolt and Denver. Meanwhile, I have nothing to report. Nothing. I sit here and wave to you guys as you go by me. In my heart I am truly happy for you, but I can't help but be jealous at the same time. I hope you guys don't think less of me for this, please?

It has been a rough morning. I had three dreams about my W last night. I can't seem to stop them lately. In the last one, we were in our bed talking. We were laying a few inches apart and not touching. In the dream, I reached for her to snuggle with me and she accepted my advance. As I was reaching in to touch her, my neighbor cranked up his leaf blower and woke me up. I was so upset. I was just about to touch her and I came out of the dream. It has been five months since I have held her in our bed. It seems like a lifetime. After so many good days, today there is only pain and longing for her.

I had an amazing moment yesterday with my C that I wanted to tell you all about, but I didn't want to post any heavy stuff yesterday while Denver was struggling. Yesterday was about him and him only. He is out there facing the worst by himself and he needed us. None the less, I can't hold this in because it is killing me.

Yesterday, my C and I had this conversation:

C: (name), you seem to be making wonderful progress. How do you feel?

Me: Wonderful and foolish. Wonderful because I never believed I had the power to do what I have done in the past four months. Foolish because it took my W leaving me to make it happen.

C: Do you honestly believe that?

Me: Which part?

C: The part where you think that you had to be left to change your bad habits and your world.

Me: (Very, very long pause while I reflected then...) Yes, in my heart I now realize that my W had to leave. I was a jack*ss and I was never going to change. She had to leave and I caused it. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

C: You know it takes two to destroy a marriage? Right?

Me: Yes, it does. But it only takes one to start the process and I was the one that did that. I deserve what has happened to me.

C: (name), I am so proud of you. I have been waiting for this moment to come. Now, you can truly start over and make things better.

Team, I am crying so hard right now I can barely see the screen. I now sleep each night in a coffin of my own making. I have hated her for so long for leaving and now reality has hit. I can't hate her. I pushed her out the door. She tried and tried to tell me something was wrong, but I dismissed it as PMS or other crap. I am a fool.

So, this is rock bottom. It is very cold and damp down here. There is not much light and nothing to sustain life on down here. I have made such a mess. Wife, please forgive me. I am a foolish, stupid man who was living a lie.

Denver, I want to deeply apologize to you for stealing your thunder. Your confession hit me hard yesterday because I realized that I needed to do the same even if it doesn't bring my W back. It is just that I had this break-through yesterday and then came home to read your words and it has ll been too much. Please accept my apology as your friend and a BITS.

Damn it. I have to go. I can't do this right now. I can't be your captain today. Hell, I can't even navigate my way out of bed right now...

FOBD