A walk down memory lane

[angel61]

I did something I should not have, but I think I don’t regret it…..

I had a feeling H was writing a letter to OW, for some reason. So I did some snooping when I got a chance I could not turn down….and found out that…

I was so right. Not only one letter, but a series of them. I read them all. Not sure if he really sent them , or if he was just journaling, but ….

It just confirmed a lot of what I already felt I knew. It confirmed to me that I knew my H well, that my “mindreading” was actually correct. So none of it was really much of a surprise, in terms of the content. It confirmed the timeline (bomb drop for example). It confirmed that they did have a relationship (which he denied but I never believed), it did not mention anything that would point out to a PA. The early letters seemed so full of young love, the wonder of it all. In them there was no mention of me or D12. It was all about wanting to be with OW, her wonderful ways, the things they did together that brought them joy. I could almost see the glow. Then slowly, the yearning for more started to show, discontent with the situation, wanting something to happen, and I think this is what precipitated the bomb.

The last letter confirmed everything things we had talked about: OW felt guilty about breaking us up, did not want to continue with the relationship. He said that he did not want OW to suffer, and was trying to convince OW that it was neither her’s or even my fault – he was the one who made a mistake, he married his best friend (me), not realizing that it was not true love. He said that the dissolution of his family, and all the pain it would bring, would all be on him, but that when the dust settles and he could start picking up the pieces of his life again, he was hoping that she would still be there.

This letter had so much despair in it, so much sadness. I could see him starting to face himself, seeing the destruction that could come. He was still justifying though, and not admitting that it is a mistake in the present, not the past.

In our last convo, he did admit to loving me in the early part of our marriage but thinks that it was not that strong. I always felt that he was comparing with how he feels for OW, and now I know that’s the case.

What really got to me though was the raw emotion, the intensity of H’s feelings towards OW. Several times, he described his love for her, in such beautiful words. He himself seemed surprised that he could feel that way, that he had it in him to have that depth of emotion.

H never was that way with me. I am actually starting to believe that it true, he never loved me that much.

How does this make me feel?

Surprisingly, I am not angry. Instead, I was overcome with sadness and compassion. I looked at my H sleeping beside me last night, and felt so much love and tenderness for him, suddenly seeing how painful this all is for him too. Realizing exactly what he means when he says he is trapped.

I started thinking that it would be best to let him go to find his happiness, except that I cannot bear to offer it to him as an easy way out as I know that D12 will be devastated. Right now, he is with us, taking care of the family, being such a loving father to D12.

I think he is biding his time, but I am also sensing some changes in him, seeing him opening his eyes, awakening. My intuition tells me that he is weighing, trying to see if the destruction is worth it, if he could live with the guilt and pain he will bring upon all of us. Especially with D12 – who has an anxiety disorder that he had handled so well, and who has such a special relationship with him. One of the things that may happen if he does go with OW is that he may have to relocate halfway around the world to where OW lives, and I also have told him that I will go home to my home country. That will really end all contact with us, except maybe for vacations.

So in the end, I don't think this knowledge will change what I am doing right now, but I may do it with more compassion and kindness.