FOBD, you've been my friend right from the beginning. Believe me, I truly believe in my heart of hearts that you being there, even if you can't reply, helps. It is proven that those who pray and are prayed for do better than those who don't and aren't prayed for.
So...
My role in this from the beginning kind of makes me physically ill. I blamed my H for the move to TN. I loved CT and I didn't want to go. But our company went under and we were 2 of 6 offered jobs here. Instead of being grateful for that, I reminded my H everyday that he was the reason I was miserable.
Once the depression started, I stopped having sex. When he got home at night, instead of being excited (like I had been for 12 years), I barely said hello. I took many opportunities to tell him everything that he did wrong, where he failed me, and where he failed others instead of building him up. This is especially disconcerting to someone who really needs validation. And especially hurtful to someone whose wedding song included the line, "I'll be the greatest fan of your life."
There was a massive breakdown in communication. I just couldn't talk anymore.
I also gave my life to him and sacrificed my own. He has a nasty spending habit and to compensate I wouldn't go out, buy anything for myself, shop for new clothes, go to the gym or do anything. So I lost myself somewhere in there and resented him for it instead of putting the blame where is squarely belonged - ME.
I also have a serious self esteem issue that really held him back with trying to integrate in a new place because I was afraid of meeting new people.
So, that's what I came up with 2Step in a nutshell over months and months.
As far as boundaries... he doesn't come home unless we work on the marriage. That must include therapy or some sort of intervention. I would prefer to do that with the DB coaches for a little while. There can be no contact with OW. The secret credit card gets shredded. And, the roommate has to go. We were trying to help someone out, but that put an undue strain on our marriage that we failed to account for because we just wanted to help her. And we always had one day a week that we spent together - just us and it was sacred. When we moved here, we didn't do that anymore. That was the kiss of death. Sacred day must be back.
For my part, stop doing everything above. I need to stop b&tching about his work hours. I need to find constructive ways to get what I want instead of the old patterns. But most important, I need to stick very, very close to my DB buddies because this is going to be a long road back. OH! And no resentment for what happened. And, Dixie, said it best, get myself out there and let God worry about my heart.
Am I on the right track here????
Wanda, 2Step, FOBD, Dixie, Chrysalid and others... thanks for the kind words. I'm amazingly calm today because I've been reading DB and Bible and because I know my friends have my back right now. He gets here around 1. I'll do my best to get back on when I can. Now, time to get ready for gym. I still have nasty, nasty headache and nausea from slamming my head yesterday. But personal trainer hasn't seen me for a week so I don't think he's too interested.
LOVE to you all! I continue to pray for each one of you and everyone on the board.
