Better Days ARE Coming For All of Us...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
Man, I am so far behind on everything tonight. Your "Captain" is asleep at the wheel.

Hey, I do want you to know I was following you last night, but I couldn't reply. At one point, I tried to jump in with some words of encouragement, but the "reply" button was gone. I was screaming at the computer (like that was going to help) trying to get something through. But, I was so glad to see that you had our "ace," 2step with you. I told you guys... BITS never walk alone.

I am so freaking excited for you. But, tread carefully. Now is the most dangerous time for the both of you. 2step is correct. Somebody is going to have to do the 180 and it won't be him. He sounds like he can barely handle what is on his plate now. So, pick up that flag and be the one to do the heavy lifting here. DB like you never have before. Make him understand he can come home, but there are going to be some new rules in place. Not the kind of rules that govern who will take out the trash or who will pick up dinner. The kind of rules that will ensure that the two of you will love each other in a way that can't be broken again. Rules that will make sure that unconditional love will reside and preside in your home going forward. If he can't yet agree to that, reconsider your path for now.

Wow, between you and Denver tonight, I can barely speak... well, type. Ahhh, you know what I mean. Please let us know how things go tomorrow. Remember, you have to do what is best for you. Don't rush into anything you are not ready for just yet.

YAAAAAHHHHOOOOO! Looks like we might soon have another plaque on the wall next to Shaves!!!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[dixiegal]

My sweet LIS,

I'm sorry I have not been on the boards much. So, I'm giving you a big HUG! I've been in a funk...

But, sweetie 2step is right on point here. You gotta drop your guard, you have to do a 180 fast! You have to push yourself to be outgoing even when you don't feel like it with him. You gotta speak up and show him you care.

Maybe I'm wrong but, he is looking for something to come home to/a reason. He is not sure in his choice to leave....this is your door open sweet friend. Because, if he shuts it...it will be H(ll that you will have to walk through to get it even cracked back open. (what I'm in now) I know your in a "protect your heart" mode. I've been there too. Guess what? It made it worse!!

Our GOD has that job. You don't worry about that now. Think about Denver and how he sat there and listened to that hard news. You can do that too! When he comes over to talk, you stay FOCUSED on him. Just like you have been doing...no matter what he says...you have to show him love and acceptance.

Lis, I look back on my mistakes and I don't want you to go through that...I want yall to make it.

Think about what he has said about being unhappy...role play how you will act and what you will be like when he is around. "Fake it till you make it!"

Take a few moments to ask GOD to fill your home full of his love, to remove anger, fear and resentfulness. I did this last time H came by several weeks ago. It gave me a calm...

Sweet Lis, I know this is so hard right now. When they leave our home is the worst part. But, your doing it..your holding it together. I love your humor!!! I love your posts from 2step...I laughed so hard at that!!! You have such a sweet and caring nature! All this shines through even tho youre going thru this.....

So, don't forget how awesome you are....cause you are!!! Now, show that H too!!! You 180 your butt off!!!!

Praying for you always,

"Life is short, Pray hard"

Dixie

[lostinscared]

Wow! Some real profound words here!!!

FOBD, you've been my friend right from the beginning. Believe me, I truly believe in my heart of hearts that you being there, even if you can't reply, helps. It is proven that those who pray and are prayed for do better than those who don't and aren't prayed for.

So...

My role in this from the beginning kind of makes me physically ill. I blamed my H for the move to TN. I loved CT and I didn't want to go. But our company went under and we were 2 of 6 offered jobs here. Instead of being grateful for that, I reminded my H everyday that he was the reason I was miserable.

Once the depression started, I stopped having sex. When he got home at night, instead of being excited (like I had been for 12 years), I barely said hello. I took many opportunities to tell him everything that he did wrong, where he failed me, and where he failed others instead of building him up. This is especially disconcerting to someone who really needs validation. And especially hurtful to someone whose wedding song included the line, "I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

There was a massive breakdown in communication. I just couldn't talk anymore.

I also gave my life to him and sacrificed my own. He has a nasty spending habit and to compensate I wouldn't go out, buy anything for myself, shop for new clothes, go to the gym or do anything. So I lost myself somewhere in there and resented him for it instead of putting the blame where is squarely belonged - ME.

I also have a serious self esteem issue that really held him back with trying to integrate in a new place because I was afraid of meeting new people.

So, that's what I came up with 2Step in a nutshell over months and months.

As far as boundaries... he doesn't come home unless we work on the marriage. That must include therapy or some sort of intervention. I would prefer to do that with the DB coaches for a little while. There can be no contact with OW. The secret credit card gets shredded. And, the roommate has to go. We were trying to help someone out, but that put an undue strain on our marriage that we failed to account for because we just wanted to help her. And we always had one day a week that we spent together - just us and it was sacred. When we moved here, we didn't do that anymore. That was the kiss of death. Sacred day must be back.

For my part, stop doing everything above. I need to stop b&tching about his work hours. I need to find constructive ways to get what I want instead of the old patterns. But most important, I need to stick very, very close to my DB buddies because this is going to be a long road back. OH! And no resentment for what happened. And, Dixie, said it best, get myself out there and let God worry about my heart.

Am I on the right track here????

Wanda, 2Step, FOBD, Dixie, Chrysalid and others... thanks for the kind words. I'm amazingly calm today because I've been reading DB and Bible and because I know my friends have my back right now. He gets here around 1. I'll do my best to get back on when I can. Now, time to get ready for gym. I still have nasty, nasty headache and nausea from slamming my head yesterday. But personal trainer hasn't seen me for a week so I don't think he's too interested.

LOVE to you all! I continue to pray for each one of you and everyone on the board.

LIS

[lostinscared]

Dixie, you made me cry. You really made me cry. THANK YOU for those words.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
I want you to know that I kind of lost it reading your post this morning. I made all the same mistakes you did and I am so sorry each and every day that I did that to my W. I know we say this so much on here that is starts to sound hollow, but.... I am very, very proud of you and the realizations that you have made. I am watching you grow as a person right in front of me and it really touches my heart to call you a BITS. I am so glad he wants to come home. I hope and work hard each day so that I may have that same opportunity some day.

Just remember that the hard part begins now. Have you ever worked on a remodeling job? A couple of years ago I gutted and remodeled our master bath. It is easy to tear stuff apart like what we all doing to our marriages. Heck, it only took me two days to completely gut the bathroom. A saw and a hammer and some muscle and I destroyed the place over a weekend. But, it took me over a year to put it back in working order. Get my drift? Be patient. Be patient with yourself, with him and with your love. It has multiple hammer blows and cuts from the saw. It is going to take a boat-load of wood, paint and spackle to make this thing shine again. But, I know that you have the tools and the talent to make this happen. You know why? Because you are a BITS!!!

Good luck today, my friend. I love your new rules. I am going to steal them if I get the chance. Especially the one about having one day a week for each other. I love that idea!

I will be waiting for an update. Take care!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[2stepboogie]

My role in this from the beginning kind of makes me physically ill. I blamed my H for the move to TN. I loved CT and I didn't want to go. But our company went under and we were 2 of 6 offered jobs here. Instead of being grateful for that, I reminded my H everyday that he was the reason I was miserable.

Once the depression started, I stopped having sex. When he got home at night, instead of being excited (like I had been for 12 years), I barely said hello. I took many opportunities to tell him everything that he did wrong, where he failed me, and where he failed others instead of building him up. This is especially disconcerting to someone who really needs validation. And especially hurtful to someone whose wedding song included the line, "I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

There was a massive breakdown in communication. I just couldn't talk anymore.

I also gave my life to him and sacrificed my own. He has a nasty spending habit and to compensate I wouldn't go out, buy anything for myself, shop for new clothes, go to the gym or do anything. So I lost myself somewhere in there and resented him for it instead of putting the blame where is squarely belonged - ME.

I also have a serious self esteem issue that really held him back with trying to integrate in a new place because I was afraid of meeting new people.

Lis, this is a good first step. In the military we call this an AAR or After Action Report/Review.

We plan for a mission for days sometimes weeks, we rehearse, and then we execute the mission. After the fog and the mission is complete we get together and identify several key factors.

What was our mission?

Did we accomplish our mission?

What can we sustain?

What are the areas we need to improve?

How can we improve them?

It is a self analysis and I believe this is what your post is. We all talk about change, we need to change this and we need to change that. What we fail to realize is that the road from admitting to recognizing to actually doing the changes we talk about is difficult, a lot more difficult than we know.

The first step you have taken, now comes the hard work of implementing the plan. It doesn’t change the advice we receive about working on yourself, on the contrary, it brings meaning to them.

You have looked in the mirror and identified problem areas that need to be worked on. When we all get on here we tell our story, our story is one sighted I wonder what our W/H would type if they came here. In my case my W has been pretty honest and open about how she felt and I’ve been lucky, still doesn’t change a thing. She is there and I am here but at least I am able to share with you guys so you can get a glimpse of what the WAS is thinking.

I heard the same complain in December, but I heard it and that is all I did, now I get it. That makes a big difference in how we approach this.

[ScaredinCanada]

my heart aches for you SIC.

Some days I honestly believe I could die of a broken heart because I've never experienced this kind of agony in all my life, it literally consumes me some days. This week has been a struggle. I've cried while driving, at work, in the shower, woken up in the middle of the night and sobbed and I even had to bring a big stuffed toy to bed just to feel close to 'something' because the loneliness is unbearable.

I KNOW there is a lesson in all this, I KNOW that it will be an every day battle and I don't know what the next day will bring, but we have to move forward and you have to be strong for yourself, for your daughters, for your wife and for your marriage as hard as it may be. If we could see the future, none of us would be here.

Hang in there and know you have so much support here for you.

Chrys.

Thanks Chrys! Really I'm ok, except for the odd day where I really feel down.

To be totally honest at this point I'm just mostly left feeling disappointed about my sitch. The fact that I made some mistakes that got me to this point, and the fact that my W doesn't appear interested in working on things...

I'm content with where things are headed. I still don't want us to seperate or divorce, but I understand at this point that maybe our only option - and I'm ok with that. There will be days that I'm not so content, but whatever happens I really want to be happy again - that's the bottom line.

Thanks again for your support.

P.S. LIS I'm so glad to hear you are having some positive interaction with your H, I really hope it continues. Remember NO expectations, just take it for what it is...and I hope it continues to improve!

BITS
SIC

[Denver_2010]

aww LIS glad you had a good time & lunch with your H. I'm sure he saw the glow in you and I'm glad you got the chance you needed. Stay positive and keep laughing !!

as for the BITS.. i believe I have to earn that badge. I'm following you all so closely and relating to all your stories with an open heart and i'm learning , oh how i'm learning. *hugs*

What about Brothers/Babes In The Sh!tt?

Is babes too sexist?

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Man! I fell behind too! Sorry LIS. I'm glad that 2Step was there for you!

So how did it go today????

Excited to hear.

BITS
Denver

[Chrysalid]

LIS this is a GREAT opportunity..listen and practice all the good advice you're getting.. be patient and don't react without thinking of all you've learned.. you can do this ! waiting to hear how it goes. keep us posted ! Thinking about you

2step... i really like the military analogy because it's true, we're in a battle right now and these are our tactics !

SIC.. hang in there ! lots of ups and downs headed are way unfortunately, but we are here for each other during the lows

Is babes too sexist?

lmao I AM a babe... my H just forgot that haha