It has been 3 days since "Beckie the WAW" and I have spoken. This is out of the ordinary for us. In the past, we have both initiated daily conversations.
The last conversation we had was a 5 hour texting marathon, that she began. Although I feel the conversation we had went well, in the past couple of days I expect she has been to get the divorce papers notarized, and will be presenting them to me this week.
2 things on my mind and in my body at the moment:
1. Knowing she's in pain, I feel good about sending her a brief email this morning. I wanted to let her know I care, to resume conversation, and without being to pushy or invasive, to get some idea of where she's at. One word in the subject line: "Hey." Three words in the email. "Are you okay?"
2. In order to rise and remain above the drama, to be the best that I can be for me, I must remember to always distinguish between what I want and what I really need. What I want (in the future) is a healthy, happy marriage. What I need (right now) is to take even better care of myself, to live well, and to be truly happy within myself.
I need to respect myself, and behave in ways that are consistent with the new ways I am choosing to define myself.
The last time we spoke, I began to explain the differences between wants and needs to Beckie. I think it helped, but as she keeps on saying, only time will tell.
Here's how the conversation started...
Beckie: How r u doing
Mike: Doin’ well. How bout you?
Beckie: I’m OK just saw your facebook profile – letting go, huh? Beard & all. Glad to hear. Just feel bad about us and all we’ve been through and are going through now.
Mike: I’m sad that you’re feeling bad, but you’ve got to do what makes you happy. We can’t have you unhappy.
Beckie: I know this – that’s why I’m doing this, but it doesn’t take away the pain and sadness of our decisions.
Mike: Well, no matter what you decide, I will always be your friend. You can count on that.
Beckie: Me too! I filled out papers last night on line; spent $250 and have felt pretty melancholy all day. Didn’t sleep well and just wish life just wasn’t so damn hard
Mike Well, hopefully, doing this will give you what you need
Beckie: Like I said, only time will tell
At this point there was just some idle banter and then I asked...
Mike: Beckie, may I ask how certain you are that this decision will bring you happiness?
Beckie: Like I said, time and time again, I will not truly know until I’ve completed this and only time will tell. I just feel this is my heart right now – nudging me to follow through and stop being wishy/washy! Of course, it’s scary as hell, but that’s my feelings now and has been in the past, too. I just ignored it.
Mike: Yes, I do hear you and my heart totally goes out to you. I know that you want certainty and confidence in yourself and your decisions as well as many other things. I’m sad you feel this is the only way you can get the certainty you desire, especially since I believe there are other ways for you to go about getting what you need
Beckie: I’m sorry, too – I wish we felt we were meant for each other. It would make my life right now so much easier.
When she said that I really had to dig deep and not react. Did a pretty good job of staying neutral, then began to remind her of my view on the differences between wants and needs....
Mike: As we have talked about before, figuring out what we want is relatively easy. We just ask ourselves what would I like to have. But to figure out what we really need we must ask ourselves what would I like to have done. So my question for you is, if you were to look back on this at some point in the future, what would you like to have done.
Beckie: Listened to my heart from the beginning.
Mike: From the beginning of what?
Beckie: So when heart gut God was telling you weren’t the person for me, I didn’t listen because you have such awesome qualities, I was worried about not finding your qualities in someone else and the love, lust chemistry, sexual desire, intimacy I also needed that you weren’t giving me.
Mike: So you weren’t really listening to your heart from the beginning and now you’re looking for a whole new beginning?
Beckie: Not really a whole new beginning, just a more "true to myself" beginning
After that we went on texting for several hours, then we talked even more about pleasant little nothings on the phone, while she was driving home from work.
There is always a danger or repeating my old pattern of trying to force things to happen or go my way, so I have given her some space, I have shown my concern, now I will just have to wait and see what she does next.
The next goal I have for our relationship is to to get her back to the table for another DB coaching session. We've had one so far, prior to her going ahead and buying her divorce kit.
I think my approach will be something along the lines of suggesting she gets some more unbiased perspective and support, while acknowledging that my views are heavily biased and may not really help.
I have realized that I am not the one to coach her through this critical time in her life.
All I can do for her right now is be an outstanding husband for as long as we're still married, and than an outstanding friend and lover when we are not.
Oh yes. There is no doubt in my mind that one day in the future I will be making passionate love to her again.
Cheers.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
