The unexamined life is not worth living

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

Your post, brought me to tears, for several reasons...

That does not happen to me often at all.

I agree with Mach's suggestion that you appear to have been in a "life transition" of your own for a while.

That is not something that goes away easily and honestly, I have a feeling that it was only the actual loss of your W that even began to really open your eyes.

You will not recover from any of this quickly or easily.

That is the bad news.

You can recover though.

That is the good news.

My H, could have typed those words out himself, during his first transition period. I know, because I was on the receiving end of just that. I finally followed through on my threat, and his suggestion, to be done.

That is what woke him up the first time. He never believed that I would actually do it either.

The difference, is he was not able to look at the WHY's that brought him to that place to begin with, so after several pretty good years, we went through a repeat of that same stuff, only much much worse.

The second time, I "stood" until I had myself together. Emotionally, because the damage that was done, was bad. And when I realized that he wasn't even beginning to look at himself more than superficially, I was done. It still took me some time, I kept looking for a sign either way, and I finally decided that I had given it all that I could. And I moved on and have started a new life.

Sometimes, I still see the sadness about it in his eyes...

I can't go back though. I won't.

I love him, I forgive him, but he has to figure himself out, and maybe someday, he can be a better H to someone than he was to me.

Don't put yourself or your W in that position. It isn't fair to either of you.

It truly is the hardest thing in the world I believe.

Can you forgive your W?

Can you forgive yourself?

Can you really be a better Denver?

Be the man that she deserved and wanted all along?

She seems willing to give you that opportunity...

She seems to be willing to try to forgive you...

Her actions...

were that of a person who was done and moving on.

She owed you no explanation really.

You told her to go...

and she did.

She was emotionally divorced from you.

I believe in God, and promises, and vows.

I have also lived through emotional divorce. There comes a point for a person, when the D papers, really are just that, papers. That is where your W was.

Anything that comes now, is new. A new friendship, a new relationship, and possibly, a new marriage. A vow renewal would definately be appropriate down the road. A recommitment to the vows that were so broken by both of you a long time ago.

Try to put this into a perspective that allows you to find that forgivness that you seem to want to find.

Denver, you MUST kill those demons that led you to where you were...

It is the ONLY way that you will NOT repeat those mistakes.

I promise you if you don't, you will be back there.

And I don't know if she would give you another chance again.

It isn't enough to want to be better.

It isn't enough to try to be better.

You have to become better.

If you can't do that...

then attempting reconciliation, is wasted time.

She is giving you an opportunity....

that not a lot of people get.

Don't blow it.

Answer Mach's questions...

not for him...

but for you... (and for your W)

Wow... Just wow...

Thank you Cat. Your explanation of what you call an 'emotional divorce' is exactly what my W described to me when she was telling me how she felt when she left me in November. To her, she was D'd from me. She said exactly what you wrote... that she was 'done' when she left and that she was 'moving on' with her life. The legal D was just paperwork. In fact, she told me that the only reason that she did not file for D right away is bc she could not afford it.

I took this explanation as W just justifying her 'dating' OM. I did not think of it in these terms.

The only question that leaves me with is this... if an 'emotional divorce' is all that is needed to relieve someone from living up to their marriage vows, then why do we have marriage at all? Why not just an "emotional marriage"? I mean, I guess these are all really just words that we use... but what do M vows mean if it is as simple to say... "I'm now divorced so I don't have to live up to what I promised you" ??

I don't ask you this to argue... I am working on accepting where my W was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually when she left me. I'm trying to understand for myself and, hopefully, for my M going forward.

I know that I did not REALLY consider what my M vows meant UNTIL my W left. And I probably did break some of them during my M by treating my W the way that I did.

But now, those vows mean very much to me. I want them to mean something. I want them to mean something to my W.