The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

I want to thank everyone for the kind words after my update last night. The conversation that I had with my W was very, very difficult. There was A LOT of GOOD... but there was also A LOT of BAD. I am processing it and dealing with it.

I am in a place right now where I feel that I want to move forward with what I have been doing here. The reality is that in December and January, I already knew, deep down, that W was in R and PA with OM. When I came here initially, my goal was to wait that out bc I KNEW that I had a huge role in what had happened. My goal was to wait it out and then show my W that our M was worth another chance. BC I believe, still believe, that she is worth it.

I wept as I read this...First, I'm so sorry that you had to hear/face this truth. I know it was so painful. I've been there friend. But, here is the thing:

You sat w/love in your heart even after your W told you this and listened to her and understood her pain.

You choose to love her, your ss and want your marriage.

You confessed your part in the destruction of your "old" marriage.

Ya'll CAN come back from this Denver...

Thank you Dixie. I appreciate your kind words and your continued support. This was a very difficult, but good, conversation with my W.

I was hurt by confirming the truth... but it brought me some peace. I think that it may be the first step in healing my M.

You can be a better man, you can change and leave your old self behind. So, can your Wife....if you let her. She said to you, that she wanted to work on the M. But, even now she said to you only if your changes are real?? She is hurting too Denver. I do not believe for a moment that she does not feel guilt about her actions. She is just pushing those feelings down right now so she doesnt have to feel.

W and I need to have continued conversations. I don't believe that anything is guaranteed at this point even with my choice to forgive.

I agree that my W feels guilt. In fact, knowing my W like I do, I have no doubt.

Denver, you are the only one that can decide if you want to keep going on this path. Forgiveness is a powerful thing...resentfulness and anger will destoy you and your marriage. Agreed? It will prevent you from creating and growing anything new too.

Agreed.

I'm proud to know you Denver.

Thank you Jack. I am not so proud of my actions towards my W during our M. I hope to make myself proud going forward.

I hope that you will continue to help me get to that place where I CAN be proud of myself.

I know you're beating yourself up right now (you shouldn't - you've already been doing that for months!)... but remember to pat yourself on the back too. Not many men could have had the conversation you had last night and rised above jealousy and anger to show love. I think you did an amazing job.

Thanks Hope. Trust me... it was tough. I did okay. It wasn't all perfect. I do owe the success that I did have to DR and this forum...

You do have an opportunity here for peace, closure and moving forward with both of you forgiving your past mistakes, both of you changed, both of you still in love with each other and wanting to move forward.

I think so too.

So, does your W want to reconcile or does she want a D?

You should be proud of yourself Denver. I know that it's a hard time for you. We are all here for you. BITS/SITS are a force to reckoned with. You will don't have to go thru this journey alone.

Thanks Gypsy. To answer your question... W said in no uncertain terms that she "still loves [me]" and that she wants M to work if it is possible. However, there is doubt in her mind about my changes and the possibility that our M can be different than it was before.

Things could still go either way at this point. I still have work to do... I will always have work to do bc I NEVER want to become complacent about my M again.

I think however for guys like us the pain takes a special meaning. I don't mean that we suffer more or less than the next person but because we are men of huge egos, this news comes as a sword that pierces the soul. It is the all consuming thought. I know, because I have been there.

Thanks 2Step. YES, you are so very right here. My friends and I grew up with the attitude that the way to deal with stuff like this is by 'dealing' with the OM. That 'cheating' by a S or GF is simply unacceptable under any circumstances.

This is ego, pride and male bravado that I speak of. I have plenty of these things engrained within me. While I do condone any type of cheating under any circumstances, things are simply not as black and white as I thought in my youth.

I have to accept my role in this, bc I DID play a huge role in everything that has happened.

I have mentioned many times in my thread and in others that I have my deal breakers, this is it, this is the one thing I don’t think I can recover from. I say that and yet a part of me thinks that I love my W so much that just maybe I can recover from it. I don’t know.

One thing that I have learned by going through this process, is that no one knows how they are going to act, respond, or react to a given situation until and unless they are actually faced with that situation.

Like I said, this is not as black and white as I previously thought.