I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think there is any way that we can prepare ourselves for how we will feel when this stage of our journey ends. Please take comfort in knowing that you did your very best to save your M and in so doing you have become a wiser, more compassionate, and more loving person. You have provided a stable and secure home for your children in spite of your loss.
The author Byron Katie talks about how bad things can happen to people but that the suffering many of us feel when they occur comes from our perception of the event. We suffer because of how we perceive these situations. She tells us to ask ourselves the following 4 questions about the source of our sadness:
(1) Is it true? (2) Can you absolutely know that it's true? (3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (4) Who would you be without the thought?
The process of self-examination goes something like this: After a D, we grieve because we think we may have lost our x-spouses from our lives forever........or we think that we may never find the kind of love and happiness we once had in our Ms.........But the second question asks us: Can we absolutely know that those beliefs are true? If we are really honest with ourselves we often have to admit that we can't see the future and really don't know that those beliefs we have will come to fruition. For example, can you say with complete certainty that you will NEVER have a friendly R with your XW? WASs over time many times come to realize that the LBS was not the real source of their unhappiness. When that happens, it may be possible to become friendly with your XW. I can attest to that myself....or......can you know that you will never again find the kind of happiness you once had in your M? Based on your postings I don't think you believe that for one minute.
This process helps us to change the way we frame our perceptions......... so even though we must all pass through our grief, it does not need to be as overwhelming if we honestly ask ourselves "What belief do I have that is REALLY the source of my grief at this moment?" and then question whether we can know with certainty if that belief is true.
Please be gentle with yourself right now. Hugs to you my friend.
