Hi My name is Rue, Last monday my H served me with d papers. I am devastated. We have been married for 29 years, have 3 adult children who are out of the house. I confirmed by suspicions were confirmed in december when i found out my H was having an out of state affair. I confronted him and the world started spinning. He immediately ask for a D. He said nothing was fixable. He said all of this was my fault, i treated him badly, didnt appreciate him, called him names, etc.... This was not his first affair. I dont know what to do. Is it over because he filed divorce papers. He doesnt want to seek therapy and all i hear (when im able to talk to him) is he doesnt "think" its fixable, but wont even try. Please can anyone who might have been in a similar situation help.
Hello Rue, I am so sorry you find youself in that sitch. Mine is similair no A just a WAS/MLC. I have no words for you other than this board is a good place to come for advice and support. Your posts will be slow in showing up, as the board is moderated. Do not lose heart, pick up a copy of DR, read it, digest it. There is no magic bullet, but there are techniques and ideas that will help. Post often and read other posts on this board as they are full of support and ideas.
IMO, it is over when you are ready for it to be over.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hello JustStunned, Thank you for the post. Im sorry for your situation. I have read the DB books thats what lead me to this board. Could you tell me what all the different "codes" mean. I understand some but im trying to figure out others. I thought with each day things would get easier but i find them getting harder. I have started the LRT, leaving him alone, no phone calls, texts, emails, etc. Its just so hard to know what hes thinking when theres no communication. I just want the chance to see if anything is fixable. He told me the other day he was happy with me at different times in our marriage but obviously not now. I guess the OW showed him some happiness he had not seen in awhile. I deep in heart, feel this isnt what he wants, (D), but doesnt know how to deal with it in any other way. Its the easy way out for him. Thanks for listening.
Hello Rue, by the codes I think you mean the abbreviations. There is a post that lists most of these. It is in the newcomers forum the second one down. I copied the contents to a document on my computer so I can refer to it. They do get easier with time, as this is supposed to. I feel better if I can help someone else along, so you are actually helping me, thanks.
I read one of your other posts in another thread about how will they see the changes if we never have contact. I think this takes patience. I understand sooner or later they will begin to get curious. We have so much history eventually they have to. I am not totally isolated either. The kids and SILs still have contact with me and her. I expect a little conversation about what I am doing occurs. I have had to limit contact with W so I could center myself and begin my journey of improvement.
I am trying to look at this as an opportunity to improve myself for my next R. I hope to have the next R within the structure of this M. Running away is easy and does not promote much self improvement.
We’ll get through this and come out stronger for it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Rue, one point about my last post. Do not speak to your S through the kids or other family members. That will damage any progress. Keep contact with them let them see how together you are, talk about the fun things in your GAL with them. It'll get to your S eventually and more likely when it do the most good. Remember GAL, is for you, to make you better, happier, more interesting.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
hello rue, sorry you find yourself here my sitch is similar, without the affair my husband has said there is no turning back and it is my words and actions that brought him to this place he is out of the house now this happened last year and i db'd my butt off and it did work this year, i don't know if anything can, but i'm going to try and so should you keep coming back here you will get help and insight from others just move forward with your life and find the woman he fell in love with let him contact you talk again soon
Hello Rue, I am so sorry you find youself in that sitch. Mine is similair no A just a WAS/MLC. I have no words for you other than this board is a good place to come for advice and support. Your posts will be slow in showing up, as the board is moderated. Do not lose heart, pick up a copy of DR, read it, digest it. There is no magic bullet, but there are techniques and ideas that will help. Post often and read other posts on this board as they are full of support and ideas.
IMO, it is over when you are ready for it to be over.
Ditto on my sitch and advice!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Juststunned, gengypsy, and grr, thank you so much for the feed back. i truly appreciate it. Last thursday i saw Michele give a lecture in woodstock. it was so great. I thought i was having a pretty good day until i learned by H had flown to see the OW in a different city and will be there for 5 days. I am devastated. I have been trying to follow all the db steps especially the LRT and have been working with Joann a DB coach but i found on thursday i probably blew any progress. I was so angry when i found out he had gone to visit her. I left him a text message saying he could have his D and i described everything i wanted from it. I told him i hope he had a great time with his homewrecker, and yada yada yada. I know this wanst the right thing to do but i was so mad. The things is i havent been mad at the situation or him since this has happened. It was a new feeling i displayed. Did I ruin things? I just cant believe he goes to be with her? I do not talk to the kids thru him. In fact the kids want nothing to do with him and thats their opinion because they are grown adults. In fact i am his biggest allie to the kids which makes them mad cuz they think i sticking up for him. I had dinner last night with his sister and she thinks the best thing for me is to move on with my life without him. I thru therapy have learned that my H has some deep problems. Definitely an addiction to porn which i am trying to grasp. That he is narcisstic which explains his entitlement and his never doing anything wrong belief he has. i want so much to try and salvage what is there but how do i do it alone? he wont go to counselling. All i know is these days are so rough. i want to stop crying and maybe have a happy smiling day. My kids told me they want their old mom back, the strong, caring, funny mom they havent seen in months. So how do i correct my wrong behavior i did earlier when i sent him that text about giving him the D asap. Thank you all so much. () () () () to all of you.
IMHO correcting mistakes in behavior moving forward, is a better focus than attempting to undo mistakes made in the past.
When I make mistakes (often!) I like to ask myself questions like:
"What was I looking to accomplish?" "What did I learn from doing that?" "What else could this mean?" "What is most important to me?" "Knowing what's most important, what might I do different in the future?"
Forgiving yourself doesn't give you license to continue making the same mistake, it simply releases you of the unhealthy chore and burden of constantly beating yourself up.
You deserve better than to be unhappy with yourself!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
"My kids told me they want their old mom back, the strong, caring, funny mom they havent seen in months. " and thats the mom they deserve you can give that back to them, i know you can hang in there, be strong everyone slips up just let it go andremember, next time you have the urge to do something like that, wait 24 hours you will feel differently the next day
