Just an open room comment here my DB friends. The sitch with me and my W is this, when I speak of my changing, and fundamentally changing, and being consistent with those changes for the long haul (33 years married and counting here) my W has this attitude. I do NOT believe you - because change for you (me) is in her opinion simply UNBELIEVABLE - her opinion based upon 33 years of experience with me is that I simply cannot and will not ever change - its IMPOSSIBLE, in her opinion. Therefore because change in me is impossible in her mind, she refuses to even talk about our relationship or a future, simply refuses to speak one word of it, she is, in her words - DONE 100%. I am not saying for a moment that our problems are 100% my fault, but I will nonetheless take the majority of it as being my causing the bomb going off.
My "telling" her that I have changed and will continue to change is of no use - she will not believe one word I say about my changing and does not want to heart it. So, I am doing only this, I am doing whatever I can do be her best friend, a servant with a grateful heart helping her out with chores or whatever she is in need of, and being there for her when she needs any help - and I am. And yes it is VERY frustrating to have someone not believe in you or have any confidence that you can actually change. 33 years is a LONG time of being on Plan A - so I am not expecting her to believe me overnight. My hope and prayer is that with consistent action and as few words as possible from me, she will begin to soften her heart and spirit and begin, just begin, to have some faith that change is possible and that can be lasting change - even at this very advance age and very late date - men can change if they have Christ in their heart -that I truly believe.
So for now and for as long as it takes for her to believe me, I choose to be her best friend irrespective of how she treats me and ignores me and tells me she does not believe me, which she does not.
I asked her several months ago, "Let me understand this, IF I were to accomplish the changes that I speak of and am working on daily, would you want to be married to that changed man ?" She looked at me and said "Yes I would - but that is impossible, you can never change and those are just words so it would never really happen. Would I want to be married to that changed man - yes, but you cannot change".
Therein lies the challenge of my sitch. Any wise insight, especially from any wives on here would be greatly appreciated -and yes - I AM paying attention here and doing the hard work of change. The love of my life is worth it all.
FL
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
