Just an open room comment here my DB friends. The sitch with me and my W is this, when I speak of my changing, and fundamentally changing, and being consistent with those changes for the long haul (33 years married and counting here) my W has this attitude. I do NOT believe you - because change for you (me) is in her opinion simply UNBELIEVABLE - her opinion based upon 33 years of experience with me is that I simply cannot and will not ever change - its IMPOSSIBLE, in her opinion. Therefore because change in me is impossible in her mind, she refuses to even talk about our relationship or a future, simply refuses to speak one word of it, she is, in her words - DONE 100%. I am not saying for a moment that our problems are 100% my fault, but I will nonetheless take the majority of it as being my causing the bomb going off.
My "telling" her that I have changed and will continue to change is of no use - she will not believe one word I say about my changing and does not want to heart it. So, I am doing only this, I am doing whatever I can do be her best friend, a servant with a grateful heart helping her out with chores or whatever she is in need of, and being there for her when she needs any help - and I am. And yes it is VERY frustrating to have someone not believe in you or have any confidence that you can actually change. 33 years is a LONG time of being on Plan A - so I am not expecting her to believe me overnight. My hope and prayer is that with consistent action and as few words as possible from me, she will begin to soften her heart and spirit and begin, just begin, to have some faith that change is possible and that can be lasting change - even at this very advance age and very late date - men can change if they have Christ in their heart -that I truly believe.
So for now and for as long as it takes for her to believe me, I choose to be her best friend irrespective of how she treats me and ignores me and tells me she does not believe me, which she does not.
I asked her several months ago, "Let me understand this, IF I were to accomplish the changes that I speak of and am working on daily, would you want to be married to that changed man ?" She looked at me and said "Yes I would - but that is impossible, you can never change and those are just words so it would never really happen. Would I want to be married to that changed man - yes, but you cannot change".
Therein lies the challenge of my sitch. Any wise insight, especially from any wives on here would be greatly appreciated -and yes - I AM paying attention here and doing the hard work of change. The love of my life is worth it all.
FL
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
When I read your question. I asked myself...at the core what makes me feel loved as a Woman by a Man. Here's the list:
Actions speak just as loud as the words... You gotta walk the talk so I'll believe you this time.
Trust...That my H is my partner in life and in MY corner no matter what that he wont walk out when things get tough! That things I say wont get turned agaisnt me later.
LOVE...Thanking me for the small things that I do..having H favorite drink always in stock, food, clothes pressed whatever it is that she did for you. Us girls always think about the details.
Protection....I don't mean in just the force/security thing. I mean, that when someone is agaisnt me that my H feels the need to protect me. That my H doesnt want me to be exposed to certain things.. That he is my protector.
Affection...This isnt just sex. Its a kiss, a pat, the way my H use to put his hand on the small of my back and lead me, holding my hand, brushing my hair from my face...its those things that matter to us the most!
So, as I type this I'm crying...cause, I realize I had not asked myself what I wanted. I forgot...
FOBD, your making such great strides...your asking and that means you CARE! That's a good thing...keep asking and wondering how to get it right.
Now, if you get the chance to have that talk with her. Just tell her that your sorry and you want to show her that its not just talk, then do it. Tell her all the things that you did wrong and how you know now you made some mistakes. But, you want to correct those wrongs going forward. Be clear that you understand her needs. Ask her, what she needs to feel loved by you? Then REALLY listen and do it.
My friend, I would do anything for my H to come to me and say those things......I'm proud of you!
"Life is short, Pray Hard"
Dixie
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
When I read your question. I asked myself...at the core what makes me feel loved as a Woman by a Man. Here's the list:
Actions speak just as loud as the words... You gotta walk the talk so I'll believe you this time.
Trust...That my H is my partner in life and in MY corner no matter what that he wont walk out when things get tough! That things I say wont get turned agaisnt me later.
LOVE...Thanking me for the small things that I do..having H favorite drink always in stock, food, clothes pressed whatever it is that she did for you. Us girls always think about the details.
Protection....I don't mean in just the force/security thing. I mean, that when someone is agaisnt me that my H feels the need to protect me. That my H doesnt want me to be exposed to certain things.. That he is my protector.
Affection...This isnt just sex. Its a kiss, a pat, the way my H use to put his hand on the small of my back and lead me, holding my hand, brushing my hair from my face...its those things that matter to us the most!
So, as I type this I'm crying...cause, I realize I had not asked myself what I wanted. I forgot...
FOBD, your making such great strides...your asking and that means you CARE! That's a good thing...keep asking and wondering how to get it right.
Now, if you get the chance to have that talk with her. Just tell her that your sorry and you want to show her that its not just talk, then do it. Tell her all the things that you did wrong and how you know now you made some mistakes. But, you want to correct those wrongs going forward. Be clear that you understand her needs. Ask her, what she needs to feel loved by you? Then REALLY listen and do it.
My friend, I would do anything for my H to come to me and say those things......I'm proud of you!
"Life is short, Pray Hard"
Dixie
DG - From another girls perspective I think you hit the nail on the head for alot of girls. I don't think some of us ask for much. I am very low maintenance at least I think so. I am happy with a card vs. a $300 piece of jewelry.
FOBD - Listen to us girls - it really doesn't take much! Keeping kick a$$
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
By being cool, patient, and compassionate. Own your mistakes tell her from the heart and be prepared to walk away after you do. The point here is to plant the seed not plant it water it and watch it grow all at once. Plant it and walk away.
Quote:
How do I let her know that things will be different this time?
Through actions not words. Be the change you want to display.
Quote:
How do I put her fears to rest that there will be no reprisals for returning?
Patience and consistency through your actions and through the way you validate and really understand how she feels. If you don't trully understand the problem everthing else is just show.
BITS, Thank you! As usual, you guys put my mind in order when I can not. I want to send a special "thank you" to the ladies for their input. I think it is so awesome that we can get the "other" perspective from each other.
First, let me say, you are right. I don't think I am yet at a point where I can do this. It was obvious from her visit the other night, she still wants to punish me. As long as she is still looking to hand down her own form of justice, she will find any apology from me hollow and just another reason to get mad at me. But, we are going to have to address this at some point. I know that she is fixated on this right now. I think it might be driving some of her behavior. None the less, I will have to wait until she can get past her current frame of mind.
What scares me is the "positions" we now seem to hold on the track, so to speak. As you guys have heard me mention before, she was light years ahead of me with this entire S. She had her plan, rented a place and hit the road all while I will still trying to "get my car out of the garage." While I was just waking up to the first stages of grief, she was already in acceptance. But things have changed lately and I am worried. I now seem to have passed her. Not only is she not staying ahead of me, her car has stalled and has slowly coasted backwards into "anger" again. This is what is now keeping me up at night. She is still happy just being pissed at me while I feel like I am far beyond that. My C agrees with me that we will never be able to even consider reconciliation as long as her car is stuck in "anger." I guess I have no choice but to sit and wait by the roadside until she decides to move forward.
I still have not heard from her in four days and I do believe she is waiting for me to call her. I don't have a choice now. I have to go out of town for a long business meeting next week and she took the luggage when she left. She agreed to let me use some of it so we have to meet this weekend to exchange this stuff. I guess there will be some more heavy-duty DBing going on this weekend.
BITS never walk alone!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I feel like I came late to the party. i don't even know what BITS is or are. And I don't know you. I only really know the man I married. So, if you are anything like him, then I imagine you always think you are right and never apologize. In fact, in 31 years with my husband, I think I can count the number of apologies that I've heard on one hand. And there may be fingers left over.... But, giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he has apologized 5 times in 31 years.
So, what I'm hearing from you is that you think it's too early for an apology for wrong behavior, that you know you did, but you think she won't accept the apology. But I don't buy it. Because we both know the timing of the apology is wrong, not because it is too early, but because it is too late.
So what I really hear is an excuse for not having to form those oh, so difficult words, "I'm sorry." And not just "I'm sorry if you were hurt by the things I did", which trips off the tongue of the person who isn't really sorry, but "I'm sorry; I know I was wrong and I really feel bad about the things I did." Which acknowledges that you were wrong. And that, is the heartfelt apology which I believe men would rather fall on a sword than give.
Good luck this weekend FOBD. I'm really sorry that I haven't been around your, or the other BITS's, threads over the past week or so. I'm keeping up with everyone, just not weighing in on everything.
A lot of sh!t happening over on my thread right now! LOL...
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I read in DR that when we forgive someone, it is a gift that we give to ourselves.
So if your spouse won't forgive you, they are hurting themselves.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
