The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Venting again. Seems therapeutic.
Was talking to my grandmother last night. Like I hinted at last post, I see things very differently. One of the things that was very hard for me is to not be believed. Most, if not all people (and rightfully so) that cared to listen, figured the issue were shared and 50/50. The frustrating part is that it wasn't. I can say that with surety. Did I have some things to address? Of course. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that the reasons for the split were not because of my action or inaction. That made it hard for a long time to accept. Very powerless in that situation and very lonely because nobody believes which caused me to doubt myself. Weird, but seems like a fairly normal response in my view.
One example was my wife's uncle who probed me trying to believe the lies she spread. He was uncertain and was siding with family (of course, right?) Later, after he met her boyfriend and talked to his niece for a little while, his response changed to "Oh." That was frustrating to me. Maddening.
What was happening simultaneously was that I was doubting myself. Crazy I know, but is what it is. Said I wasn't perfect, didn't I?
I realized a long time, after looking back, that I'll never really know the reason. Too many conflicting reasons given, although I have several theories as if they matter. They don't.
Why write this? In hopes that it may help others should they stumble across this. I don't regret my actions. Not at all. I stood for my values and kept my integrity. I fought for my wife and my family. I still fight for my kids and doubt that will end for a while with regards to her. They will get to a point where they make their own decisions and until then I encourage their relationship with their mother - for all of their sakes. Regardless of her actions and decisions, nobody deserves to be alientated from their children or their mother. I personally have nothing to talk to her about, but I can see my kids want to have a realtionship with her. It used to hurt to see. It hurts a lot less. I would guess it may be hurt a little until the D is final. That's ok. I suspect I'll be annoyed by the silly things she feels entitled to until then as well. That's also ok.
Don't get me wrong, there are things we have to discuss because of the kids. And I'll have to see her because of the kids. It's annoying that she cannot look me in the eye, but no more so than anyone else that doesn't look me in the eye. Email and text messages and lawyers are all conduits that can be used to communicate the required information - I'm not worried about that.
I'm sure I'll never understand why. I've stopped trying to be honest. It really and honestly makes no difference any longer. It used to, and I haven't forgotten that it used to. It wouldn't even be nice to know any longer nor would I trust her if she tried to tell me. I know that.
Does it still hurt? A little. It was 20 years ya know

Anyhow, just posting to vent and perhaps leave something for somebody else at a later date should they need it.

Take care,

AJ