I'd like to hear from other DBers how they used the techniques and the outcomes positives and negatives.
What was the first technique you used? How did you use it? What was the response?
My first move where I saw some result was when I said, "I get it." I simply said, "It must have been terrible to feel like I didn't need you." I also told him that I loved him and needed him.
I said it in bed when I felt the time was right.
His reponse was relief.
He was still confused and playing both sides against the middle, but as I look back at it now this started our recovery.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I think people on the board need a place to see how DB and DR can work. I'm fascinated by it.
WHAT I DID-----
I also wrote my H an "I get it letter" and after he read it he said, "This was the best letter I've ever read."
I owned up to many of the things he perceived me doing....whether I agreed or not. I came to the conclusion that his perception of what was wrong in our M had to be addressed. To myself I called it the "I ate crow letter" because then I was all self-righteous under it all. I wasn't ready to see what I was doing or to be concerned about how he saw things. I've been selfish. I see that now.
An example of his perception:
In the e-mails between H and OW, she would insidiously say little things to put me down. One was, "Were you attacked at the door?" Well, he was never attacked at the door because he was always home before me. My standard line upon entering the house was to call out, "Honey I'm home!" We would then get dinner and then I would go to bed! We were very disconnected. "Attacked" would have meant there was a connection. However, his perception was that I attacked him with crap when he got home. She was a master at manipulation. There is more about that on my thread in MLC- Piecing via shoots and ladders. Anyway....
The BIG difference now is that when he gets home (I'm now usually home before him because that is one thing I changed) I get up and give him a kiss and a hug. He got upset last week because I didn't. The change in his behavior was he said something! Our MC loved that!
I still don't understand how he felt "attacked at the door" and it really doesn't matter. He felt it and I addressed it with a solution. No arguing about who was right.
__________________________ side note---- I discovered the truth about H's A in e-mails. he left his secret e-mail account open by "accident" and when I found it he gave me the password to it. I wasn't snooping. He wanted me to find out the whole truth.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Hi MZ, so glad to see you got the help you needed yesterday. I watched your MLC thread and saw you were getting much more qualified help than I could ever offer, so I didn't want to interrupt. Just wanted though to stop by to offer my support and congrats for being in piecing. I wanted to extend my concern too, about your comments about feeling depressed etc. Are you in IC? Do you have a good support system?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I WAS in IC. It wasn't a good match. IC just sat there and well, I felt like I was talking to a wall. MC is fantastic and hard enough to do that.
Depression is situational and fleeting. I'm not bedridden or not washing my hair etc. I'm going to work, keeping house, keeping up with commitments. I just get blue. It's a sad situation.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
