Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[thatgirl007]

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday. Luckily, it was in my car and no one was around to see it. I just sobbed and sobbed like I haven't in weeks. I know it's supposed to be cleansing, but I didn't like it. I got very sick of crying in that first month after he left and I don't want to go back to those crying jags again

I read Denver's soul-baring post in his thread and I am feeling a bit odd. With so much talk about taking responsibility for your actions that caused problems in the marriage, I feel like I want to step up and take responsibility, but when I look at my sitch, I can't see things clearly.

When H lived with me, I took responsibility for everything for so long. It was my fault that I was fat and unattractive. Because of my weight, he wanted other women, had multiple flirtations, was tempted and eventually cheated. Because of my weight, he felt cheated and treated me with anger and coldness. Essentially, all of his actions were blamed on my weight. So, began the mad dash for weight loss, the crazy diets, the awesome pressure to change my body in order to change his behavior. It was utter insanity!

Now that he does not live with me, I can see clearly that I am not to blame for his actions. I finally feel resentful for the way he treated me and our M for so long, although I am working on that resentment. He has also stepped up and told me that I am lovely, attractive and amazing and that my weight was not the problem, but his own actions were...but underneath it all there's a part of me that still feels guilty for being fat and a part that still feels that he's not with me because of my weight. Even though, he asked to come home early into the separation, I knew he didn't really want to come home and work on our R and he has since admitted that fact.

It's entirely confusing because I still am getting asked out by different men daily. Yesterday, there were the stalker flowers and facebook request that I mentioned in my previous post and today at work as I was heading out from the public service area up to my desk, a guy that I walked by came and stopped me and told me that I was beautiful and asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him that I am married and he said, "Your husband is a very, very lucky man." I thanked him and went on my way, but these are the things that are happening constantly now.

For so long, I felt unattractive and unwanted and maybe that's the vibe I put out. Now, that I am out from under the fog of what was going on in my marriage, I may be reflecting better feelings and a better vibe, I don't know.

For a long time, I took responsibility for so, so much. I worked hard to fix things. I read books and watched DVDs and took courses. I dealt with his explosive anger and worked with him to get it under control. Then, I dealt with his coldness. I rolled with the punches and it was more than any one person should ever have to deal with. But I was 100% committed to my H and to living my life with him and to working to build a better M.

When he left, he literally wrote me an email telling me that if I could get my weight down, we would "see" about reconciling. It was incredibly selfish, incredibly loveless and it was at that moment that I began to detach. Now, I think we are both aware that we are apart because of his attitude and behavior, which have changed dramatically since he left, but I don't believe that he thinks those changes within himself are permanent.

Anyway, it's all very confusing. I could really use some encouragement or insight.