Shine on you crazy diamond...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS, we have a newcomer that really, really needs some help. I would like to put out and "ALL CALL, ALL HANDS ON DECK" to the BITS. There is a fellow by the username of "Seminolewind" that is really in a bad way tonight. Please, please take some time to read his sitch and chime in. Once again, I would like to request that all BITS find Seminolewind and throw him some help. He has a really bad sitch with a WAS that has jumped into a PA. He really needs our help. I am working on some advice for him and will post tomorrow night. If anyone has any immediate advice for him, please post tonight.

True, JB3, Sandi, Denver, Lost, Onesep, 2step, Dixie, Shaves, MJ, Navy, ScaredinCanada, come in if you are out there!

I think we might have a new BITS here!!

FOBD

[Firstlove]

FOBD and 2step

Letting Go of someone you love is one of the hardest things one can do - but it can also be one of the most positive things you can do to restore a relationship that has fallen on hard times. This poem was sent to me by my sister and it has much wisdom in it, I am Letting Go of my W in this way, and praying that she will soften her spirit and realize how much I truly do love her. Until then, I will just Let Go and also treat her like my best friend.


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

I encourage you all to - Fear Less and Love More

Mr. Firstlove

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
I have been having a pretty good string of days the last couple of days. No crying, sleeping OK, eating like a horse and working out like mad. But one thing keeps plaguing my mind all day long and so I need to get it out and look for some words of wisdom.

I know I am "putting the cart before the horse" here, but I am worried about something. One of the biggest problems in my marriage was the following:

1) W would get her heart set on something.
2) I would not agree or would belittle what she wanted because I didn't agree that it was needed.
3) We would argue.
4) Eventually, in most cases, I would finally relent, but act like an ass about it for a period.
5) W would get what she wanted.
6) Object or thing would not turn out to be what she expected or it disappointed her in some way.
7) FOBD, being the uncaring *ss that he was would then relentlessly shove it in her face. Use statements like, "I tried to tell you that wouldn't be what you wanted, but you had to have it so deal with it." Or, "Well, I am not giving you a dime to clean up that mess because I told you it was a bad idea." So on and so forth.

This went on for years. Why? Because, as stated earlier, I was a heartless jack*ss to be married to at times. Now my point. I am soooooooooo very scared that this is burning in her mind right now. Even if she would eventually begin to have feelings of returning to our M, she probably would delay it or bury those feelings because she is scared of the hell she thinks she is going to have to face. She wanted the S and I fought like hell to stop it. I know she is going to think about this. "Well, I would love to go back to him, but what price will I pay considering he tried to stop me from leaving?"

How do I talk to her about this??? How do I let her know that things will be different this time? How do I put her fears to rest that there will be no reprisals for returning? I know my W and I know she will let this weigh heavily on her decision should she reach that point. Yes, it is very early to think about such things. But, I have no idea how to tell her that she need not fear this. Ladies, what would you like to hear from a man that is very sorry for his actions? How would I make you understand that there will be no "salting of wounds" should she want to come back home?

Every sitch is different. For some folks, this kind of a thing may not matter. But, in my sitch, this will be a huge hurdle that will block any kind of reconciliation for my M. It was always a problem and I know that it will play into her decision.

If you were in my shoes, how would you phrase it?

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Jack_Three_Beans]

FOBD,

Given tbe proper opportunity, I'd actually tell her, "I'm very sorry for my actions."

Then learn the art of STFU and prove it to her.

Given time, your consitent actions will show her she can return safely, without holding this over her head...and if you do and are still posting here I'll be the first one to tell you are being a jacka$$. Deal?

[Lotus]

I'd like a letter that says, "I know I acted like and ass, and I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, but now that I have time alone, I see how thoughtless I really was. I hope someday you will forgive me,"

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'll check in on Seminole as well, I just saw this I normally don't check in on the BITS, cause you guys pretty much seem to have your shi...stuff in one sock.

Denver...Denver just reminds me of myself in many ways.

[Denver_2010]

FOBD - 3:30 in the morning here and I can't sleep. Thought I'd take a stab at your question. I'm may not be thinking completely clearly right now bc of the time and bc of the new status of my own sitch.

What I'd do if I were you is this...

Once you do begin having some contact with her, validate like a mad man. But validate in a way where you are communicating that you respect her, respect her ability to make decisions, and even respect her decision to leave you. Once you get to a point where you can actually bring up the issue, do it, and apologize and again stress the respect that you have for her.

I wouldn't bring it up right now though...

BITS
Denver

[Firstlove]

Just a point here from the Mr.'s perspective - I have been that jerk of a husband and she has left and is not returning. I have written that apology letter to her at least 20 times over the past 5 months - she reads them and never responds other than to say - I don't believe you - its just an act - you will NEVER change one bit - not ever.

The challenge for me therefore is to live each and everyday with the Fruit of the Spirit shining thru in everything I say think and do, not just with my relationship with my WAW but with all who I come into contact with. I know that I am changing and she will never believe it unless I show it thru my consistent actions over a long long time. The sad situation in our breakup is that my WAW truly thinks that it is only me who needs to change, thinking that our relationship problems are 100% my fault.

Onward and upward becoming a better man - on my own.

Firstlove

[zengypsy]

FOBD and 2step

Letting Go of someone you love is one of the hardest things one can do - but it can also be one of the most positive things you can do to restore a relationship that has fallen on hard times. This poem was sent to me by my sister and it has much wisdom in it, I am Letting Go of my W in this way, and praying that she will soften her spirit and realize how much I truly do love her. Until then, I will just Let Go and also treat her like my best friend.


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

I encourage you all to - Fear Less and Love More

Mr. Firstlove

Absolutely beautiful.

[lostinscared]

FOBD,

Oh, sweetie, first lots of hugs!!! Tons of them.

I hate talking about my issues on someone else's thread because life isn't about me. But, gonna have to do this right now. My H was a lot like you. What I thought and what I wanted didn't much matter. (Now, I fixed all of this by emasculating him and making him feel like dirt - not recommended in the future). If my H came to me and told me that he had changed, I wouldn't believe it for a second. I just wouldn't care. But something strange is happening in my life right now that is showing me that my H might actually care about me and what I think. 1) He has started thanking me for even the smallest things. 2) I had a bad migraine for days, he went to go get my medication. 3) He doesn't clean up after himself. Now, he is cleaning up and he doesn't even live there! 4) My closet broke. Normally I would be hiring someone else to try to make a fairly easy fix. He came over last night and fixed it. 5) I've got a huge amount of cleaning to do this weekend, he has volunteered to come over and help. Normally all I could count on is that he would be scheduling a golf outing, preferably out of state.

Ok... so my extremely long-winded point, yes, you eventually have to say something to her and apologize. You aren't there yet. So prepare the speech and really think on what you want to say. But right now, you have to seek out the smallest opportunities to show her that you have changed. I know that is hard in your sitch but you need to search for an opportunity and jump on it. And you need to be consistent with this.

I am pretty much at the same stage. Nothing I say will matter right now, but my behavior is everything. That's why 2Step had to hit me with a 2x4 and tell me to stop being a b&tch. You already figured that out. Now, you need to seek out ways to show her that what she has said and what she had thought, matters.

I'm praying for you sweet friend!!! And I seriously LOVE the title of your thread.

LIS