Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[hope2011]

Scylla, thank you for the book info, I will definitely look them up.

To answer your questions (let me get comfy on the couch here):

The men I have been with have absolutely nothing in common. I consciously seek out new R's that are nothing like the old in hopes that the next one will be better. Obviously, that isn't working too well for me.

The XH (12 yrs together) was a simple, country boy, my HS sweetheart, a 3 times a week at church type of guy. He cheated with at least 3 women during our 12 years together. But, he was a good dad, supportive of my career, involved with my family, no smoking or drinking or drugs, no partying, a family guy. On the surface, a great, great guy. Just that pesky problem sleeping with OW and leaving me for one. We were young, went through a lot together with our son, both made mistakes. I trusted him with my life, probably the only man I ever fully trusted. When he walked out, I was devastated. Everything I believed in was wrong, everything I had was gone. I cried non-stop for a year.

Ex-boyfriend #1 (2 years after XH, 2 years together) was a laid back, beach bumb computer geek. Didn't find out until we moved in together that he was so laid back because he's a pot addict and a party boy when he was drunk, had no ambition and wanted me to support him - but he was very loyal, very complimentary and never cheated. I left because of the addictions, that's not the life I wanted and he wouldn't give it up. 10 years later, he's still the same.

Ex-boyfriend #2 (6 months after last R, 2 years together) was a rich kid, went to private schools, ivy league college, was a model at one time he was so good-looking, high standards, high ambition. I helped build his new company in the 2 years we were together. He was however, selfish, another alcoholic and a commitment phobe. After 2 years, he wouldn't decide on a future with me. I was 34, wanted kids, marriage, a family life. When I bought it up, asking where he saw us down the road, he started talking to an OW. He was never involved in my career or my life. We only saw each other on weekends and were working on his business so I didn't really see the problems until I started asking for more from him and he ran. He had major mother issues and needed someone to take care of him, which I did. I needed someone to take care of so I guess that helped me too. Until I needed him.

6 months after that R, after dating a ton (meaning dozens but only dates without even kisses), I met H and drug my feet getting serious with him (or anyone else). He aggressively pursued me and at the same time I started dating someone else I was interested in. Both wanted an exclusive R (I hadn't been serious or physical with either) so I had to choose. I chose H - because I thought he was calmer, less likely to break my heart as the other guy was more passionate, talked more, very romantic. I wanted safe, kind, romantic but not loud or too aggressive. H was telling me everything I wanted to hear, was supportive, helped with my career, said he wanted more kids, wanted to find "the one" and stay married forever, that he'd never cheated in a R and couldn't abide cheaters, that he couldn't deal with alcoholics, that he didn't like drama. I believed him. He swept me off my feet, he was amazing, all those things and more and it was a 2 year whirlwind romance where we were each other best friends and both of us very happy. Then we got married and he took it all back (though he's been trying the past month).

The other guy... married, very happily, she adopted his 4 yr old daughter and now she's pregnant and every once in a while I see their photos on FB (joint friends) and I'm so happy for her and for him but I still wonder, what if? Especially when H is yelling or I'm finding panties in his drawer, or when he changed his mind about having more kids. I feel cheated, literally. I don't want the other guy at all, I really don't. I think he just symbolizes my life of bad choices. I want the man I thought H was and the life we were supposed to have. But I don't know if he fooled me or I'm fooling myself.

I think you all can see the type of man H is by my posts. He's very high ambition, living large, successful (was, before the market crash), materialistic, egotistical, superficial. Which is all hard to see when someone does have money... it's when they lose it and how they react to it that those qualities are more visible. But he's also very funny, a good dad, great with people, romantic. He knows how to be the best H in the world... I've seen it. He know hows to be romantic and supportive and compassionate, etc. He just chooses not to be or not to be based on his mood, whether he feels I deserve it.

My father is a recovering alcoholic, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Retired military, now running a business, he never sits still. He stopped drinking 20 years ago because of health issues but still thinks and acts like an addict. My childhood was hell when he was home. A horrible dad, not family oriented at all. Has cheated on my mother several times in their 38 year marriage and has never been supportive of her. He's beat her down until she has no self-esteem anymore and is too scared to leave. She's now almost 60 and I have watched her lose her youth, her middle age and now is going into her golden years with this man who she hasn't shared a bed with in 15 years. She stayed for us kids, then she stayed because she was scared, now she's staying to raise grandkids and take care of her elderly mother. She gave her whole life to others and never found happiness or love for herself and she's such a sweet person. My father and I have a cordial relationship now. I stood up to him in my 20's when my son died and he finally stopped trying to bully me. Before that, I'd cry and fall to pieces with every conversation.

XH - I married who I thought was the exact opposite of my father. Surprise! He wasn't the exact opposite, he was a cheater too.

X-boyfriend's - both alcoholics. You'd think I would've figured that out early on in dating, but I didn't. They hide it well. It's not until I lived with one and dated the other for a year before I saw that they both drank every night. 1 would drink a half bottle of Jim Beam, the other a half bottle of bourbon. Neither could sleep without it, both were mean drunks if they drank more than that. The first, I stayed because I had moved in with him, his family wanted to help get him sober, he was begging me to marry him and have kids with him, etc. It took me a while to emotionally detach and realize he would always be an alcoholic. The second, I truly thought the drank only the weekends for a year and a half. What can I say? I am slow.

My H now... I thought he was the opposite of all of them. I had a list of what I didn't want / wouldn't put up with and he fit it. He was my Prince Charming. I didn't just fall into his arms, I wasn't looking for a serious R at the time. But there he was and I thought finally God had sent me a good one.

My biggest fear is that I married my first H because he was the opposite of my father. I married my second H because he was different from my first H and not a drinker. But when you keep looking for opposites, eventually you come full circle.

I didn't rush from R to R. I didn't date for 2 years after XH. I was DB'ing, working on me, making big changes in me too, working hard to never repeat the same mistakes (I haven't. I invented all new ones!), to know how to be a good person in a good R. There are at least 6 months between R's. I dated lots of guys between. But I'm old-fashioned a bit (I know, sounds hard to believe with all these R's)... I don't sleep around, I don't kiss anyone until at least the 3rd date and very few make it past the 2nd date because I try to be picky and not fall into a R just to not be alone. So I casually dated, I had fun, I met a lot of different guys, I took time finding myself too.

I just need to join a convent.