I feel much better when I come across Michelle’s book as well as this website’s online community forum. Seems to me that I am not the only person suffering in similar situation, and most in this forum seems keen to share and advice each other and extending moral support. Here’s my story…and I really hope to have your views as I am really stuck.
I married when I was 19 years to my husband who is 10 years my senior. We got to know each other about half a year before we tied the knot. I know most will say that it is too soon to get married but I suppose things were different then, as he was always there for me during the hardest part of my life (some major family problems then etc). And we both thought that since we could pull through tough situations together, we will be able to make marriage work fine. Moreover, he is more matured in terms of age. We are both Asian and we come from conventional families.
The first two years were good. Of course financially was a struggle but we were both happy and things went well, lovemaking was good and regular etc. This is our 7th year of marriage and things started to go down the drain after the 2nd-3rd year.
Gradually, things just got worst. I was given ad hoc silent treatment from hubby. Lovemaking from daily, to weekly, to monthly, to quarterly, to only on special events and later to none-existent (I have been celibate for the past 5 years…nada, zero). I tried seducing him but each time I tried I will get rejected (excuses like : I only prefer mornings, I am tired, no mood, migraine, not interested, need to get up early tomorrow, body ache etc). I always get rejection. It makes me feel so ugly, undesirable, lonely, unwanted, and weird. The mass media keeps portraying about ‘men always wanting sex’. But for me; it is totally opposite and I can’t talk to anyone in fear of being perceived as ‘weird’. I even asked my hubby if there is something wrong with my body and I am willing to go for plastic surgery if he wants me to change my looks/ body. Others told me I am attractive, so I don’t know what is so wrong with me.
I come from a very broken and ‘dysfunctional’ family. At first I thought, my situation is just a normal phase of a relationship/ marriage, although it does not feel right to me. I ever confronted him to ask if he has an affair outside and I am willing to divorce if he no longer wants me. He denies, and since I have no evidence, I will just believe him.
We still communicate/ chat normally on basic simple things. We do go out for movies, holidays, dinners etc. But we have grown apart. I feel we are just two adults living amicably together, no passion, no chemistry. I tried to talk to him on our situation numerous times, but he will normally avoid, deny or try to change the topic. I even tried purposely leaving articles around hoping he will see and read. I finally gave him an ultimatum in October 2010, and forced him to go for marriage counseling with me or I will leave him.
From the counseling session, I learnt that hubby somehow has not forgiven me for what I said on my 21st birthday. I was really young then and it was a big occasion to me…I was upset that hubby was still in bed past noon instead of being up early to give me my birthday surprise / celebrate with me etc. Hence, I showed my unhappiness, we got into a disagreement and I uttered something like “I regret marrying you”. In fact, I didn’t even realized what I said as it was uttered in the spur of anger. I immediately apologized repeatedly for my words. He said something like since that event, each time that he is with me, he will keep recalling what I said and since I regretted marrying him, he is not the guy I want, so he stopped being intimate with me. I did tell him that it is ridiculous as I never meant it, and if I meant it, I wouldn’t even initiate making love with him or being married to him. It hurts me even more when he admits that he has no problem erecting any other time except with me…explaining that he does not need to see the doctor as it is not ED. (I begged him many times previously to see the doctor as I thought he has ED and is shy to admit to me). It really hurts me so much as I have never been unfaithful no matter how tempted I am.
The therapist tried to make my husband focus on the future and asked my husband what I should do to win back his trust/love such as giving 1) assuring words, 2) showering with gifts, 3) affection, 4) time, 5) acts of service. Guess what my hubby picked..he wants me to provide more acts of service like doing more housework!! The therapist asked what about the rest 4 options, and my hubby answered that I have given him all that. Even the therapist commented that 4 out of 5 are considered good. He obviously wants me to be like a maid and I don’t want him to be a room-mate. It is not that I don’t do housework, I am not a homemaker and I have a stressful full-time job. I will do housework during the weekend or at least twice a month. I ever volunteered to pay for a full-time/ part-time or hourly-rated domestic helper to clean our place, but hubby is not agreeable. Yes, I don’t deny that our place is not spot-clean, but it is not that messy as we don’t have any kids and only the two of us in the house.
He also said that he sometimes feel that I don’t respect him or need him. For example, I may do things without his consent. But it is only because, in the first year of marriage I always ask/ consult him about things (like buying furniture, spoilt stuff etc), he told me that if I am capable of handling things for the house, then just settle it and no need to ask him. I am fine with this arrangement. Now, it is my fault for being ‘too capable’? He also admitted that we are at different ‘frequency’ and I changed a lot. Yes it is true, I changed. I worked so hard working full-time, going through night-classes to get my college degree, being a wife, supporting my siblings/ parents etc. I have since held higher positions and salary than him. I work in a corporate MNC company while he is a high-school teacher. Obviously, I cannot still remain the 18-19 year old girl he used to know right? While I have completed my night classes a couple of years ago, I do work late sometimes. But it is still alright as he is never home at nights only till after 10pm on weekdays and till 6pm on Saturday afternoons. He will teach normal school hours, and in the evenings he will do private tuition classes. I don’t know why he wants to be so hardworking, as I never asked him for any money (I support myself and we share the house expenses) and I never asked him for anything/ gifts. His gifts are only for my birthday or wedding anniversaries..generally 3 times a year or max 5 times a year.
The therapist told hubby that his way of handling conflict is avoidance and denial, hence the matter has been going on for 5 years. I am the type who handles conflict head-on. I am told to be less aggressive and maybe hubby will do something. I really tried to be more passive for the past couple of months.
Despite the counseling, he remains status quo. Last weekend, I decided to broach the subject to him again. He admitted to me that he is ‘scared’ of me. According to him I can be unpredictable and have mood swings and since my last mood swing, he doesn’t know how to act around me. One minute I can be so angry, and the next minute I can be sweet and normal to him. Yes, I do admit this as he had commented on my mood swings previously. I am generally very mild tempered, but when I am really angry, it won’t be good. Nonetheless, I know myself as my mood swings/ temper is less than 5 times a year and it only happened when I was like 18 – 22 years old. And of course, situation was different then as I was very stressed with school and also work. Ever since he gave me his feedback, I have changed, I control myself and no longer shout when I am angry and I am also more tolerant and patient. No doubt, now at times I may still raise my voice slightly when I am angry, but only to highlight my point. I can’t expect myself to talk in the same tone when I am expressive, can i? I am so hurt when the person I love the most told me that he is scared of me and don’t know how to act with me at times.
He said he still love me, still faithful e and wants to keep our marriage. But I really don’t know. From what he admitted to me and his actions, it seems to me that psychologically and physically he has stopped being in love with me, it is just that emotionally he is still in denial and just holding on to our good moments and history to stay in this marriage. I told him this too, but he said it is not true. I asked him if he can find somewhere in his heart and mind to forgive me for what I have said and done in the past, otherwise we can’t go forward as he will keep living and thinking of the past. He told me he is trying but it is difficult. I told him to seek other health professional’s help like a physiologist or sex therapist. He refused as he told me it will just be a waste of money and it won’t help. I told him that 7 years of good moments and history, will not pull us through in the future if he is not satisfied or happy with me. I am happy with him but not satisfied as it is not a fulfilling marriage. Honesty hurts, and yes his honest feedback hurts me, but I try to take it positively.. but I can’t deny it still hurts.
I know that marriage and relationship is not a bed of roses, but I would have thought that disagreements and differences are common in a marriage and you just have to deal with it. I just feel so hurt that hubby can be so petty and bear grudges on me especially since most happened when I was much younger. I sometimes feel like walking on a minefield, in fear of saying wrong things and accidently hurting him again and end up with another 5 years of silent treatment..
What should I do? In Asia, divorcees especially women is being looked down upon. If we divorce I don’t know how to answer to my family. I also don’t know how to live without him in it. I obviously still love him and want to be with him. But I feel like this marriage can’t work if he can’t forgive me. Should I stay or leave? I can't talk to anybody, not even my family nor friends as it is embarrasing and no one will understand. And obviously, our therapist remains remains impartial and can only give suggestions but not conclusion.
I read your thread and that is quite a story. I'm sorry that you are having a tough time of things. You came to the right place; there are alot of us (sadly) who are going through the same things.
I think your first step should be (if you haven't already) gotten Michele's book Divorce Remedy. If your H was willing to go to counseling with you, perhaps he will read the book with you. It can be a learning experience for both of you. Having said that, if he is not willing as of yet to participate in reading the book, then I stongly suggest you read it on your own. Michele offers great insight in a Chapter about low sex drives; believe it or not, men can suffer hormonal imbalances just like women. I'm not suggesting that it is the case with your H, but it may be a possibility. Alot of men/women do not realize this can be a medical condition which can be treated.
If your H is harboring resentment towards you from what you said when you were 21, I honestly don't know how to address that other than to validate what his feelings about that are. My H is harboring things from the past too and my gut reaction is to get over it already. Dwelling on it is not going to change anything. I've apologized over and over and he still can't seem to let it go. I would love one the board vets to weigh in here and offer some advice.
You face some difficulty in your decisons because of your cultural background. I don't think your situation is as dire as it seems to you. You both have gotten off course over the years and I think you both can back on the same path again.
Start working on yourself. The book will give such insight. If you can afford to perhaps make an appt with one of the DB Coaches. Your H doesn't have to participate initially.
I feel like I haven't offered much, but I wanted to reach out to you, acknowledge your sitch and offer you some starting point.
Please keep posting. I will follow your story.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Hi Zengypsy Thanks for your message and for reaching out to me. It's nice to hear from someone and thank you again for the patience in reading my long post. I bought Michele's book on 'Sex-Starved Wife'. Thank you for recommending the 'Divorce Remedy' book, i will definately check out online as i didn't come across that title in the local bookstore.
I have heard of hormonal imbalance in men and low sex drive and did inform him on that before. In fact i used to work in a pharmaceutical company, where i had internal doctors, specialists, medication info and all the resources which i checked out on. I even gave him reading materials and advice which he just turned a deaf ear on, or tell me that it is so expensive to see a doctor. I really wonder why though since he works few jobs (we are not hard up for money) and tells me its expensive and waste of money'...even when i told him i am willing to bear the costs and go with him. Sometimes i wonder if there is such a thing as 'no sex drive' though since it is non-existent. Of course i do wonder if he gets it somewhere else since according to him he never has any problems except when with me.
You are right..he is still habouring resentment towards me for what i said which of course i always try to validate. But the thing that really hurts me is that they are really for very petty things. And of course, i try my best to change after that..but i can't take back what i said or undo thing. Funny thing is that i always thought that most women are more emotional than man and the 'suffer in silence' type.
He keeps saying that it is 'psychological'..but how do you overcome that then?..Anybody has any idea? Just seems to me that his problem is just 'me'.
