Go spend some time on my thread. I went through many of the same feelings you did. I got to a point where I couldn't wait for my H to leave because I couldn't take it anymore. For me, the separation was the right thing. But, I have to warn you, I was still devastated. I mean, I wanted him gone, but once he was, not so much...
So... tell me something. This bedtime thing is a reoccurring theme. Are you doing it on purpose? You acknowledge that you know it will upset her, yet it has happened a few times. Or is it more about trying to gain approval from the kids because you feel so beat up? If it's the latter, the kids love you no matter what. But you had a goal to restore your marriage and you probably need to refocus. If it's the former, well I've been there and I am not judging, but you have to stop. You have to stop for your own peace and sanity.
As far as the sex thing goes... boy, I think all of us can relate. There's no fix to it unless we're aiming to really destroy our marriage so I wouldn't focus on it too much. But you're not alone, that's for sure!!!
SIC, hang in there. I know how you're feeling. I'm praying for you.
Will do, so many of us to follow - so little time.
I completely realize I'll be devastated but at this point I'm starting to realize that it might be necessary. I've managed to get through everything else - I'll get through seperation.
No the bedtime thing was something that came a couple years ago a bunch of times. W would be at work or out and I would just doddle on getting the kids to bed. We'd have a routine, but I just never took it seriously. I've been so involved and with the routine since D2 was born, and even into and afte the bomb. I just had a bad night last night, didn't want to follow the routine - just was off. My kids were happy, it made me feel better. I was planning to get them to bed, and normally it wouldn't even have mattered if my W got hom 11pm+
No it has nothing to do with kids, although I do fear being rejected by them after the split. My W made those feelings worse last week by telling me that D6 asked her if "when daddy leaves he isn't going to take his computer is he?" My W thought it was funny that was all she was concerned with.
The reality is with each child I've learned to be a better father and appreciate the gift of getting to be a father. I have a stronger bond with D5 than I do with D6 and I have a stronger bond with D2 than I do with D5. I guess just the way you learn in life. I love them all more than anyone else in the this world.
As for the sex thing, unfortunately I've always been fairly active in my desire/drive. My W helped to develop that when we dated because she satisfied the desire, but the longer we were married her desire to satisify it dropped. Until the point were she acted as if it was a job - even though I know she enjoyed it. She used to say, "I have no idea why you want to have sex, since we are done having kids?"
I just miss it a lot, but I'm not going to do anything stupid to satisfy the urge. I'll do the solo thing to ensure no mistakes are made.
I really hope she feels the same.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Listen, SIC, you may be right. The separation WAS the right choice for me. It might be for you too. Things just got so toxic in my house, that it was suffocating. I would sit down the street for an hour or two on the phone with friends or family just dreading going back home. But prepare for the fallout.
Your W is a child and I wouldn't worry about the D's comments. I think you are a fantastic dad. And I bet everything that I have all of your daughters feel the same exact way. They need you and you are there for them. But while you are in the house together, stick to the routine. It will make your life more peaceful (or as peaceful as it is going to get at the moment).
Unfortunately, I got like your W with the sex thing. My desire really went to nothing the more ignored I felt. And the more I pushed him away, the more ignored I felt. It was a nasty catch-22 for which I didn't find a good solution for, nor did I try until the breakdown happened. I'm glad that you made the decision not to do anything stupid. You don't need that drama in your life right now.
Currently in the house things aren't toxic. It still mostly feels like a happy and loving home (because of the kids), but at the same time I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable in the house.
Now that I'm supporting my W's desire to seperate maybe things will change, but I'm not optimistic and as a result I sit here looking forward to seperation. Like I said earlier, I'm sure it will be short lived. The next time my W gives me a positive sign I made change. For now, it's slowly moving towards seperation. Honestly probably the earliest we would seperate would be the end of August (waiting to spring to sell the house, time to sell the house, waiting for the closing date) so in reality it's a long-time.
I really need to just do everything I can to move on. I alread know, that my love for my W isn't going to die anytime soon - and if it does then I guess it wasn't meant to be.
LIS, thanks for talking about me as a parent in a good light. I really do try, and I am lucky to have 3 amazing D's, but I'm always trying to be better. This sitch maybe the biggest challenge to my abilities as a parent - especially if we seperate, but I'll figure it out.
I guess when it comes to the sex thing, how long is it reasonable to expect someone with a "normal" sex drive to be abstinent? Heck, maybe my W is waiting me out knowing how bad I want to have sex, figuring when I get to that point I'll leave or I'll cheat?
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Got home from work yesterday and my W didn't say a word to me for first 2 hours or so. I said "Hi how was your day?" just generically to her and kids. Gave kids hugs, and played with them for a few minutes.
My MIL made a turkey dinner (no idea why, but it was fantastic) and we all ate together.
After dinner it's our normal time to start getting the girls ready for bed. I'm confused, my W just sits down on the couch and starts watching TV. So I get D2 ready for bed, and start motivating D5 and D6 to come get their PJ's on. So I am assuming she was testing me after the previous night when she was mad that I hadn't followed the routine??
Anyways, she comes upstairs for story time and we read a couple books. It's time to put D2 to bed, so I go to take her to bed. She whines that she wants Mom. So I just said, "Daddy can take you" and she just finds again. My W says, "She just likes Moomy best". Of course I react and say, "She loves Daddy too!" and my W responds, "I know she loves you, but all of the girls have a closer bond with me, because I've bonded with them for 9 months longer than you did." To which I replied, "I spent time in the last few months of your pregancy's talking to them".
Her response, "With D2, when I was pregnant I asked you a number of times to rub lotion on my belly and you never wanted too" I just said, "That isn't true I remember specifically rubbing your belly many times."
Her reply, "Well don't worry I'm never having another baby with you!" Just the way she said, made it sound like she regreted ever having kids with me. (Obviously she doesn't regret her kids, but I believe she now regrets having children with me!)
I just went silent. Partly because I was hurt, and partly because I didn't want to get into any kind of argument.
Then she says, "What's wrong with you? I can't say that I don't want to have any more kids with you?" I just said, "No that's fine"
I waited a minute, and then left the room. I didn't cry but I certainly felt like it. I cooled off a bit and then came back to but D5 to bed and say good night to D6. When I came out of D5's bedroom the lights in the master bedroom were already off. My W had quickly gone to bed.
I went and got my stuff ready for hockey, we played well, I scored a goal and we won the game. Felt good.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
You are in a tough spot right now. She has the microscope on you and everything you do that doesn't follow her line of thinking is magnified and justifies her position.
You really have to be careful about what you say. You may want to consider the 5 second rule before responding. If she says the kids like her the best, then so be it. Its not worth debating at this point. Your actions will determine your kids feelings toward you. At this point your only option is to agree with everything or simply not engage. Any debate or negative discussion between the 2 of you is not helping your cause.
Your focus right now should be on creating doubt in her mind that she is making the right choice in leaving. Acknowledge that you didn't follow the bed time routine, promise not to do it again and move on.
Keep up the hockey action. Its good to get out of the home environment and allow you to focus on something you enjoy.
SIC, about the sex thing. You can't tell her you accept that she's moving on and want to help her find a house but then try to have sex with her. When she's drunk. It screams "I don't care about you or respect" to a woman. I know you know it was a mistake. Responding to your question about how long to wait? For how long you want to save your marriage. If you value sex over your marriage then you're not committed. Committed means waiting 3 months or 3 years if you have to. Yes, I get you're a guy, you have urges and all that caveman stuff but women are wired differently. We cannot have sex with men we don't like or want. Why are you guys still sharing a bed if you can't handle it? Why don't you take the initiative (especially if she's about to move out) and ask her to sleep on the sofa? Or you sleep on the sofa? Not a mean way but in a detaching, moving on way to keep yourself out of trouble? Maybe it will be a 180 she'll notice... ie "he doesn't want me?".
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
"You know they have school in the morning, and you know I'll have trouble getting them up and off to school right?"
Is she right?
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I just said, I didn't do it on purpose - but she didn't care.
She didn’t care because you didn’t care. If she is right this would have been a good chance to validate apologize and keep your mouth closed.
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I need to liven up, get happy.
Don’t we all brother. What are you doing to accomplish this?
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I now cannot wait for W to go away for a week.
I couldn’t wait for her to leave period now I am trying to get her back. Life is cruel sometimes. This break will give you a much needed recharge for your battery
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Her response, "With D2, when I was pregnant I asked you a number of times to rub lotion on my belly and you never wanted too" I just said, "That isn't true I remember specifically rubbing your belly many times."
Her reply, "Well don't worry I'm never having another baby with you!" Just the way she said, made it sound like she regreted ever having kids with me. (Obviously she doesn't regret her kids, but I believe she now regrets having children with me!)
Did you expect this convo to really end any other way? Defending yourself when they have one foot out the door is a recipe for disaster. “yes honey. You are right” Too easy but our natural instinct to defend ourselves always gets in the way. You can’t shoot an unarmed man.
Look man it is tough and sometimes words hurt but you need to stay consistent and patient.
SIC, about the sex thing. You can't tell her you accept that she's moving on and want to help her find a house but then try to have sex with her. When she's drunk. It screams "I don't care about you or respect" to a woman. I know you know it was a mistake. Responding to your question about how long to wait? For how long you want to save your marriage. If you value sex over your marriage then you're not committed. Committed means waiting 3 months or 3 years if you have to. Yes, I get you're a guy, you have urges and all that caveman stuff but women are wired differently. We cannot have sex with men we don't like or want. Why are you guys still sharing a bed if you can't handle it? Why don't you take the initiative (especially if she's about to move out) and ask her to sleep on the sofa? Or you sleep on the sofa? Not a mean way but in a detaching, moving on way to keep yourself out of trouble? Maybe it will be a 180 she'll notice... ie "he doesn't want me?".
Thanks Hope.
I understand, and since I've only ever been with my W I imagine I'll wait as long as I have too...doesn't mean I have to like it! If I could make myself stop wanting sex I would do it in a second!!! I want to save my M, no doubt about it.
We share a bed because our bed is really comfortable, and it hasn't really been an issue. It's not like I am lying in bed imagining having sex with her constantly. Other than the drunk incident I haven't even bothered, because I know she doesn't want to have sex with me and right now I do understand why. Again though, doesn't mean I should have to like it!
Neither of us are going anywhere for probably at least 6 months, and I have no desire to spend the next 6 months sleeping on our couch. I guess maybe I could do a trial run and sleep on the couch for a couple weeks and see what happens. How do I go back though once I've moved to the couch???
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
This is kind of what I mean about "toxic" atmosphere. My H and I were not fighting at all. But the verbal jabs were hurtful and the silence was heartbreaking.
SIC, you are not in the same bed because it's comfortable. You're in the same bed because both of you want to be there. My bed is real comfortable. I have the best pillows God ever created. My H left the bedroom. You know why? He wanted to. Now, if you decide to go the couch route, there is no way back until you start moving towards the reconciliation. So, if you make that decision understand that.
There are some serious anger issues going on with your W. You need to stop engaging her. Let her spew her venom and keep quiet. You need to diffuse, diffuse, diffuse. If you don't, then the words will get more hurtful. She is deliberately pushing your buttons. That's why she asked about your reaction about having kids. She wanted to make sure she got the right one. It isn't pretty, but that's where you're at.
Why such anger from your W?
Hang in there, sweetie. I know this is gut-wrenching and I am so sorry for your pain. I'm praying for you and your peace. And remember, those little girls LOVE you.
