The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

The bomb was dropped about half way through my W and I's evening together. I did cry, not a sobbing cry, but tears coming down my cheeks. I did ask my W how she could do this. My W said that she cannot allow herself to feel guilt. That to her, our M was over. That she hated my guts and had absolutely no intention on giving me a chance. She told me that she had to tell friends and family that her leaving me was NOT to wake me up so that I would change. But rather, her leaving me, was her being 'DONE'.

My W did cry at one point during our conversation. But she told me that she was 'sorry' that I was hurting and that she knew how painful this was for me to hear.

She did not apologize for her actions.

Somehow, I found it in me to move on from the shock and pain that I felt at the moment that I found all of this out.

I managed to even joke with W a few times. I even asked her - "does this mean that I get to sleep with someone else?" HAHA... very funny right? It was a joke and W took it as such. I was acting 'as if'...

Like I've already said, I think that I was prepared for this news bc I was really calm about it... and realized that I still love my W despite what has happened.

While ultimately, there is no excuse for what she has done...

She is a human being... and

I am very much to blame...

The night ended with me walking W to her car. I hugged her, kissed her forehead and told her that I loved her... she hesitated...

And then told me that she loved me too.

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Text conversation when I got home from dinner with W:

Me: "Meant to tell you to have a safe trip to St. Louis tomorrow. goodnight"

W: "Thank you. I'm just running around packing like a crazy woman. I hope that even though tonight was difficult that you find some peace in our conversation."

Me: "I don't know about 'peace'. But I am glad that we had the conversation. It felt good to really talk to you again. To be your friend again. I miss that and am sorry that I let it slip away."

W: "Night. I hope that you will talk to me soon."

Me: "I will, silly. I'm okay W. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin these days. Much more comfortable with life and everything that it throws at me."

W: "I'm happy to hear that. Take care and I will talk to you soon. Thanks again for hanging with SS this weekend!"

Me: "Can I ask you to shoot me a text or call when you are safely in St. Louis? I wasn't lying a few weeks ago when I said that I still worry about you and SS daily "

W: "Sure. I will let you know when I get situated there."

Me: "Sounds good. Now go get some sleep!"

W: "I will soon hopefully. I'm really tired, not sober, and possibly hung over already. The joys of getting old!"

Me: "Me too. But I get to sleep in if I want! Goodnight (again)... LOL"

W: "You suck. I will sleep on the plan and at the hotel. No gig tomorrow, so I brought papers to grade... and I will sleep! Night!"
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As you can all see, I acted "as if" things are fine.

BITS
Denver