The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

I have not been completely honest with my story on this board. I have explained how I was a bad husband, and even a WAH, over the last year that my W and I were together. But even here, I think that I have sugar coated my actions. The truth is that I was very depressed during those months. I literally slept on the couch more often than I did in W and I's marital bed. Twice, in January and again in August, I contemplated leaving my W. I called my W names that I cannot repeat here. Think of the worst names that you can call a woman. I told my W that I was done. I told her to leave the house. That she was done living in our home. I stopped having sex with my W. I think that we had sex once or twice in those 10 months. I told my W to go find someone better than me if she didn't like the way that I was. I told my W that she was not affectionate. I told her that she was not sexual enough for me. I told my W that she had it easy, even though she was working 2 jobs, going to school and raising her son with very little help from myself. I developed an online pornography addiction. I kept other women, even ex girlfriends, in my life when I knew that it made my W insecure. I kept sexually explicit emails from an exgf from 5 years ago. I lied to all of you when I said that I had forgotten that they were there. I kept emails from my last long term gf that were also years old, but expressed her wishes to be with me. I did not defend my W when my family criticized her about an issue that I will not go into here. I told my W that she needed to just get over it. I yelled at my W. I showed my W anger. I threatened her with financial superiority and control. I did not spend time with my W and/or my SS. I did not communicate to her. I did not tell her that I cared what was going on in her life. She told me numerous times that she was 'lonely'. I did not care. I thought my W was spoiled bc I provided for her.

I did not respect my W. I did not live up to my marriage vows. I sat and slept on the couch, watching t.v., expecting that things would fix themselves. Literally convincing myself that I did not care if my W left or stayed.

For 7+ years my W loved me despite my failings, despite my flaws, and despite how I made her feel that she was not good enough for me. She was faithful to me during all of that time. Despite everything.

My W had threatened to leave me a few times, and I always called her bluff. I honestly never thought that she never would. I thought that she needed me. I did NOT believe that I needed her.

My W left me in November of 2010 with no intention of ever coming back to me.

Prior to her leaving, she confided in a few of her close friends... and another man. The OM was someone who she had known for a while, who she did not have interest in, but who took the time to listen to her. To tell her how she deserved to be treated better than she was being treated by me.

OM became interested in my W. He treated her nicely, told her how beautiful that she was, expressed a desire to spend time with her, told her what a hard worker she was, did not yell at her, helped her with stuff during her move, etc., etc.

OM gave W everything that she wanted from me.

My W did not intend for anything to happen with OM when she began talking to him. When she left me, she felt that our M was over. In fact, in her mind, our M had been over for months. My W says that she "hated [my] guts" when she left.

Shortly after leaving our home at the end of November, W began 'dating' OM. W admits that this was a selfish decision... she says that she didn't understand that at the time. OM fell in love with my W.

My W slept with OM.

My W is not in love with OM.

My W's anger towards me began to disappear in the middle of January.

This caused my W confusion and she stopped dating OM.

A couple of weeks ago, my W began to think that it might be possible for our M to work. She admits that she began to see a change in me.

She is unsure if these changes are real.

W still loves me.

W wants our M to work if it is possible.

W tells me, without me asking, that she will end all R with OM IF we decide to work on M. There will be no friendship with OM.

W begs me to NOT lead her on regarding my changes... to NOT continue to fight for our M unless I am sincere about giving her the things that I did not give to her before. To NOT lead her back into a loveless, sexless, lonely M.

W asks me if I want her to be happy. I say 'yes'... that I truly do want that. She asks me not to continue to fight for our M if I truly do not believe that things will be better... that things will change.

W admits that if I decide that I am not sincere and not to pursue M that she will give OM a chance. She admits that there are things about OM that she does not like and is not at all convinced that he is the one.

She reiterates that she loves me and that she really does want our M to work.

---

The above was the last half of my conversation with W tonight.

The first half was her asking me about my changes, why I thought things could be different, and why I hurt her so much if I love her like I say that I do.

My answers were sincere. My answers were very similar to 2Steps statements to his W the other night. I basically told her that I have gone through a long, painful, journey. That I have focused on myself during our time apart. And that I believe that I am learning to be a better man, and a better H. That I wanted this for myself, so that I would not repeat the mistakes of the past. That I planned to be a better man regardless of what happens with our M, and that I planned to be a better H to either my W or someone else someday.

I told my W that I had done a lot of work on specific issues with our M, but that, more importantly, I had done a lot of work on what 'love' is to me, what 'unconditional love' is, and what my M vows mean to me.

I won't go into the details, bc all of you have read my words as I have worked on these issues. All of you know more intimate details about all of this than I could ever tell my W in one evening.

------------

Tonight that I learned that DB does work. I also learned that my instincts regarding my W are very good.

Deep down, I knew that PA had occurred. Everything else was denial from me. This is why I was so afraid of tonight.

I learned that I COULD respond calmly and rationally to the worst news imaginable. There were tears, but I was calm. And I did continue to validate my W.

I also posted a few weeks ago that I 'sensed' that OM was fading from W's life. I was dead on.

In the past couple of weeks, I have posted that I felt confident that W was moving towards reconciliation. I was right.

---------

Now I know the facts. I do not have to wonder anymore. I have to decide if I can forgive my W. If I can live with what has happened.

I am sad BITS. I cried when my W answered my question:

"did you have sex with him" - "yes."

I am sad... yet, I feel peace for the first time in months. It is strange.

I feel a strange sense of peace. But I also feel lost. Can my M recover from this? Do I want it to?

"Choose Love. Forgive." This is a quote out of DR out of chapter 10 on infidelity. Is this possible? For me?

I do not know what to do now friends. I need guidance.

Jack - Can you help me process this?

BITS - Can you continue to support me?

I will cry tonight and I don't know if I will be able to function tomorrow. My ego has taken a beating tonight.

But I will be okay... eventually.

Denver