Lotus, she's trying her best to do things behind closed doors. Recently she has started saying that I'm spying and getting into her affairs, which I haven't and just don't have the energy or capacity to do so. Not sure if it's related but lately when my wife has my son in her room, she'd shut the door. It used to be an open-door policy, so our son could come out and see daddy (or mommy, vice versa) but now, I don't know what's going on.
Woke up and realized my wife had taken our son to her room sometime during the night. He must've had a nightmare. However, this was supposed to be my night, and according to the rule my wife and I agreed on, if in this case, my wife hears him cry or wake up, she should come get me first. Well guess what -- she didn't.
When this comes up later (which I'm sure it will), she'll probably skirt talking about the rule that she suggested in the first place, and talk about how I could not have heard my son since I'm in the next room. Throughout our marriage she always had trouble understanding how I can be such an occasional deep sleeper - it'd take a lot to wake me up. Tonight was no exception, but she'll probably blow it off and cite my inability to be a good father. Again. ...It's funny also because she has occasional paralysing dreams (where she could be concious, but unable to move and i have to jolt her awake) and that's, in her eyes, is okay, but not my deep sleeping.
That said, should I be drafting out a written agreement regarding this rule - and other things for that matter - to legally protect/bind ourselves? My wife is beginning to renege on her own rules, so I feel something needs to be done.
Per my 6:15am update: Chalk one up to my own paranoia -- my wife took our son to her room because she forgot it was my night. Even though I have to say that it's really hard to forget especially if you had our dog in your room too (we alternate between watching our son and the dog).
Anyway, I told my wife that I appreciate her being so flexible. She said, "Of course I can flexible." I said, "Well, if you'd prefer, on my nights, you could always knock on my door and wake me up if you hear "E" crying."
I come home with our son, and my wife is waiting by the kitchen counter for her friend -- they were both going to head out to SF with their super cool 6-months pregnant preceptor for seafood at a chic restaurant. The thing is, when my wife goes out to special places/occasions, she dresses amazing. And man, she was smoking' hot. I tried not ogling, so I only stared when she looked away. She's half Persian, half white, so trust me when I say she's beautiful, and tonight was no exception.
We talked some and my wife told me about where they were going, and the friend she was going with, and that she got her hair done earlier today. Here is where I thought it appropriate to say, "Well, you look amazing. I like how everything compliments each other." Don't know if her response was her being nice, but it sure was different from the usual "Oh, thanks". Instead she said with a slight smile, "Ooh, thank you!"
Maybe I'm just imagining things. Still, I miss my wife deeply.
So many people man I am sorry you had to wait so long for a reply in the beginning. Just trying to catch up right now. One thing I will tell you is stop sweating the small stuff. You seem to concentrate to much on little details.
Do you and the rest will fall into place.
Most people spend too much time trying to interpret a look a word and gesture. I see it all the time when others do it, I do it also but when others do it I see it as so much wasted energy. When I do it, well it makes sense LOL.
Alamo, I would start slow with boundaries, and work on one thing at a time. Trying to change too much at once will feel forced.
Remember, a boundary is an internal thing you set and only enforce if it is crossed. It should not seem like retaliation, because you enforce your boundaries in a very calm and collected manner, without any kind of anger or spite.
This is where being decisive comes in, you are not a decisive man if the boundaries keep moving. You will not be respected if you set boundaries and then do not enforce them.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Alamo, I would start slow with boundaries, and work on one thing at a time. Trying to change too much at once will feel forced.
Remember, a boundary is an internal thing you set and only enforce if it is crossed. It should not seem like retaliation, because you enforce your boundaries in a very calm and collected manner, without any kind of anger or spite.
This is where being decisive comes in, you are not a decisive man if the boundaries keep moving. You will not be respected if you set boundaries and then do not enforce them.
Man, just read up on boundary-setting on Livestrong.com. All I have to say at first is: I have a lot of work to do. I'm quite certain I experience all the listed symptoms in some form or another during this separation. Where to start? I think the strongest ones are - in no particular order:
A. Over enmeshement B. Disassociation C. Chip on the shoulder D. Lack of privacy
Alamo, have you wondered why she would need you to completly leave the house in order for this 2 yr old baby to talk to his grandparents? What would they need to protected by privacy for a baby? Think about it.
Then, what would cause her to feel that she had to go to the garage and get inside the car to talk on the phone? Why not speak from inside her bedroom?
Next, look at her dolling up very sexy and going out to a hot place in town. Has any of this behavior been "normal" for her? Do you find these things very strange?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Alamo, have you wondered why she would need you to completly leave the house in order for this 2 yr old baby to talk to his grandparents? What would they need to protected by privacy for a baby? Think about it.
Then, what would cause her to feel that she had to go to the garage and get inside the car to talk on the phone? Why not speak from inside her bedroom?
Next, look at her dolling up very sexy and going out to a hot place in town. Has any of this behavior been "normal" for her? Do you find these things very strange?
Sandi, always awesome to hear from one of the vets! Honestly, the more I let my mind wonder what my wife is doing, the more it bogs me down, so if I feel it's not constructive, I try to eject it from my thought process. To answer your questions, however:
This increased privacy on her side started sometime after the computer debacle from few posts ago. If you look from a setting boundaries POV, she probably felt (real or imagined) that she was lacking privacy, so she created boundaries of her own, e.g. way less open door policy, closes her room door when she's gone, as well as seeking privacy for phone calls to her parents and friends. She talks pretty loud even in her room, though I've pointed that out to her many many times in the past. She probably is copying talking in the car from me, because she herself found me doing that earlier in our separation when I was having private sensitive conversations with my counselor, friends and family. The funny thing is I never threw a fit when she interrupted my phone calls in the car, but she sure was livid when I interrupted hers.
Dressing up has always been my wife's forte and passion. I stifled that during out marriage; she only got to dress nice on weekly dates and functions, but not with her friends, go dancing, etc. So upon separation she began doing that again. And I fell for her again.
If she is speaking other males, however, I don't want to be bogged down too much by it, as jealous as I get, because if this makes her feel liberated, i'll have to let her experience it. The part that makes me so SO jealous is my wife is a very sexual woman, and now that her Christian values are out the window and she has an IUD, she'll probably get physical with a guy she dates. But that's just speculation. Whatever it is, I love my wife and want her to be happy, except that I would really love it if she fell in love with me again.
