Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Bolt]

I swear I need that on a t-shirt!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Before all this went down for me. My wife was correct in that she felt I only tuched her when I wanted sex. If she gave me a hug I saw it as an invitation to more...when in fact it was just a hug.

XYZ and Bolt, sadly man, if your wives are similar to mine, and you were similar to me, then it is going to take time.

Straight guy talk.

Take matters into your own hand.
Yes I mean exactly what you infer from this.
Afterward, yeah you still want your wife, but you're not pi55ed off about it.

This impression, right or wrong in their head, you put there over time, it is going to take time and consistent actions on your part to change her mind.

Hug her and walk away, kiss her without expecting her to throw you down on the floor, rub her back simply to rub her back and not figure out how to unsnap her bra. Show affection, without expecting more from it.

Be the one to break off contact first...because you know what?
This CAN be played like a game. Aim to win.

Try this for awhile, seriously put effort into this, and I really think you'll be surprised with the rewards.

[XYZ]

I have no problem "handling" my own problem for a while. My issue is more the general affection.

I get plenty of ILY, but usually only a side hug with a cheek kiss in the morning, no holding hands, no good night kiss. Rarely a hug.

I would LOVE to give her a hug with nothing more. When I do get a kiss, it's like I won the lottery.

I think it's just a matter of time. I really do think the verbal affection is getting stronger and more genuine. I can make it.

[XYZ]

On a side note...W always told me that things had been bad for a year when the bomb came. I didn't believe that. I remembered a few fights over a few months, but that's it. Just yesterday, I decided to look back over some old emails. Well, guess what? She's right I could see where things starting getting bad at least a year before the bomb - and probably before that. Guess her sense of that was better than mine.

So, it seems that my timeline (so far) is something like this:
* Started getting bad for 12 months before the bomb
* Separation about a month after bomb
* Back home 11 days later, W agrees to try again
* First 2 months, good, but slow and a little tentative
* In the last 6 weeks, it really feels more genuine to me (been home 3.25 months in total)

So I dunno, feels to me like a few more months. If that's right (and God only knows if it is), I'm on the home stretch. I know that's risky thinking, but I have to do it to keep on going. Who wants to quite a marathon when they're already over half way done? Not me.

[XYZ]

JTB - Your comments are right on. One of my W's biggest issues was that I sexually objectified her. I'm certain that's why the physical is taking so long to come back.

[Bolt]

hey xyz, now that you are in piecing, what is your day to day like? How is it different than DBing?

I'm just entering this and want to do work every day. I feel that I was scrambling during the hard dbing but now I don't want to lose the momentum...

We do weekly checkins to make sure each one of us is feeling loved and getting that old love bucket filled. We say how we've felt loved and how we haven't.

We also discuss what we want to do for the week and things to work on...

any suggestions?

[XYZ]

Bolt -

For me (as my thread title suggests), it's actually harder. Don't get me wrong, I'm HAPPIER to be piecing, but it's more difficult. Before, I knew what to do. I didn't always want to do it and sometimes I didn't, but I knew what it was. I tried to detach, no ILY, no affection, no calling or texting, GALing, etc etc.

In piecing, it's really hard to know the balance. I say ILY but give no pressure around affection. We talk a lot and I listen a lot, but don't get upset when I get the cheek instead of a kiss good bye. I try to empathize a lot. I really try to look at everything from W's point of view before responding solely based on mine.

The hard part for me is the balance. When DB'ing, it was all one way. Now it's not, but it can't be all the other way either. I want to run. She's still crawling (maybe walking?).

Not sure if that helps you or not...

[XYZ]

Journaling...

Had a good night last night with W. She came to bed and I was watching TV. She said something to me, I turned off the TV and turned towards her. We ended up talking for about an hour. Ok, she talked for 55 minutes and I talked for 5 minutes....LOL. When we went to sleep, she said "thanks for listening to me ramble." I said "I love listening to you."

But still no kiss goodnight. Uggggghhh. Baby steps.

[Bolt]

Journaling...

Had a good night last night with W. She came to bed and I was watching TV. She said something to me, I turned off the TV and turned towards her. We ended up talking for about an hour. Ok, she talked for 55 minutes and I talked for 5 minutes....LOL. When we went to sleep, she said "thanks for listening to me ramble." I said "I love listening to you."

But still no kiss goodnight. Uggggghhh. Baby steps.

Dude, that is awesome! Seriously. Do you know how much that meant for you to turn off the tv and LISTEN to her?

HUGE!

I did exactly that during the National Championship. I KNOW that really hit home with her.

Not sure how quickly that will pay dividends but it will. Just keep doing it!

You know what else I've learned? They don't necessarily want us to fix or help with things but just listen. Pretty easy, huh?

I think that is where a ton of affairs come from. There is some new dude who is interested in our woman and all he really does is LISTEN. I hear that from a TON of WAS on the other board.

Well, guess what? Don't let some OM do that. WE should do that.

That's some motivation

Keep it up!

[Bolt]

Bolt -

For me (as my thread title suggests), it's actually harder. Don't get me wrong, I'm HAPPIER to be piecing, but it's more difficult. Before, I knew what to do. I didn't always want to do it and sometimes I didn't, but I knew what it was. I tried to detach, no ILY, no affection, no calling or texting, GALing, etc etc.

In piecing, it's really hard to know the balance. I say ILY but give no pressure around affection. We talk a lot and I listen a lot, but don't get upset when I get the cheek instead of a kiss good bye. I try to empathize a lot. I really try to look at everything from W's point of view before responding solely based on mine.

The hard part for me is the balance. When DB'ing, it was all one way. Now it's not, but it can't be all the other way either. I want to run. She's still crawling (maybe walking?).

Not sure if that helps you or not...

It does help. I felt like I crossed one finish line by keeping her here and having her say that she no longer wants to leave. I'm just trying to find that sweet spot of still being the same new man without the desperation in my heart.

Not that I'm not desperate to keep her. My body just isn't in knots anymore. I guess the knots are replaced with love. (sounds weird but true)

Funny thing happened this morning. I was making eggs for everyone and W wanted just a little. I sat down with the Ds to eat and thought about taking the W some in a dish. For ONE split second, I thought - she can come grab some if she likes.

But then I remembered, I WANT to help her feel loved so I scooped them in a dish and took them to her. Her reaction was, Oh, I was going to come in with you guys (she was doing some work on the computer) - I said, no big deal, I know you were working.

It's the little things!!

Thanks for the help!