Thanks Figgeroni. I think the questions of what was missing that caused the affair may be a long way away. We are not at a point where the two of us are discussing her sexual orientation struggles. Right now, that is what she is working with her personal therapist about.
Right now if I asked her what she needed, I am not sure she would have an answer for me. As far as the same sex situation, the only thing I have been able to get out of her is "I am really confused right now and that is why I am seeing my therapist".
From what I have learned about a woman's sexual identity is that it is very complex with many layers. Her therapist has used the word "fluid". I have also read other doctors call it "flexible" or even "plastic". Is my wife a lesbian who has always had desires for women and there is no possible way for me to meet those needs that were missing? I think that is possible. The affair lasted 10 months. I think that is a pretty long time (that could have lasted longer) for a curiosity. If this is the case, and she is just talking through her emotional struggles to come out of the closet, I am not sure I have a chance to salvage our marriage.
Is it possible that there were in fact serious emotional needs that were not being met? Where I thought our relationship was strong, she began to feel detached? Could the hormones of pregnancy or the lacking emotional needs during pregnancy could have been a factor? I think all of these factors could have been missed queues by me. If they were, I think we have a chance to save our marriage. It will take hard work which I am completely invested in. Will she?
Until that time comes, I am in a very unstable position. I can keep my head up, be strong, take care of my self, co-parent like a champ, work on rebuilding trust and repair our relationship. I am just not sure the path MWD gives post affair really works for me, because I am not sure my wife is TRULY in it to save our marriage. Has the affair ended? I hope so. It seems to be that way. But are we separated right now, yes. She has not fully moved out, but she is living with her brother down the street.
It is all so confusing. I am not here to be self righteous. That is not my intent. I truly want to get on the same level with my wife and communicate through this and stay on the same level forever. I want to understand her needs and learn to address them. I want to be a good listener and validate her. I want to work on our communication. So please do not take my attitude as a "look at me and how great I am in the face of struggle". That is not me. I am just trying to be patient and keep my composure, compassion, and love for my wife to make it through these days.
The "big unknown" is out there, though. It makes it difficult on how to really approach us. It makes our couple's therapy sessions a little one sided sometimes. Lots of me providing for my wife and telling her how I will be patient and work on us. Not much real response from her except thanking me for being patient and agreeing that it is important for us to be on the same page with our son.
I think our next session will begin with me sincerely apologizing for betraying her in the form of telling my family of the affair and also breaking the privacy of her email. Words are easy, though. How do I really show her my sincerity?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
