Is the tide turning???????

[goodattitudegirl]

Just got home from 2 hours of TT followed by 2 hours at a new neighborhood restaurant with Mr. GAG.

Mr. GAG seemed a bit preoccupied and hassled for the first hour of TT, but then started to loosen up a bit because I was playing very well tonight and we were both having fun. It was my day off so I had more energy to play and was playing more offense than normal. I won one of our 5 games but a couple others were quite close.

When Mr. GAG went to the men's room, I slipped a small clear cellophane bag into the breast pocket of his coat. The bag contained 3 chocolate kisses and small blank valentine's card (I had X-MIL write a little message on the note last night: "Mr. GAG, Love always and kisses. Mom"), tied with curly pink and red ribbons. This was my attempt at initiating novelty, one of my goals. I thought that when Mr. GAG found it sometime in the next few days, it would be obvious who had engineered this.

We laughed and talked throughout the games and he gradually seemed to loosen up. I didn't flirt very hard tonight---- just a tiny bit here and there----because he seemed preoccupied........As we walked out to our cars, XH turned to me and said (no warning of this) "So, did you want to go out for a drink?" I said "Sure. I guess you owe me a drink because you won all the games last week." He looked surprised, as though he didn't remember that, which made me think that maybe he really just wanted to go out to a restaurant. I'm not sure about that.....but I think that we might be starting to establish a pattern.........maybe. No expectations, but this is the third time we've gone to a restaurant after TT in the last 5 weeks. I asked "Where?" He said "You decide". Fortunately, earlier in the day I had read an excellent review for a place nearby. Neither one of us had been there before (so this was novel too).

Mr. GAG had dinner and we both had wine. I got him to talk about work and his mother....and he just unloaded. He talked for almost 1 1/2 hours, and as he talked it was reminiscent of the kinds of conversations we used to have when we were M'ed. He seemed to feel better just talking to someone who knew the cast of characters and who was supportive. I validated with him that he had done a wonderful job of finding a good place for his mother to spend her final days. I told him that she seems quite content. I asked if he had told his sister how he feels about her not visiting their mother much when she comes to town to visit. He said that he had talked to his sister about this (this was surprising to me. I was under the impression that he hadn't. I was interested in this because I was under the impression that XH doesn't communicate as clearly as he thinks he does.) XH said that he'd received an e-mail from my sister today (I wasn't aware of that, so that was nice of her). XH asked if his sister had e-mailed me to ask if I want to go to lunch when she comes to town next week. I said that she and I were setting something up.

I told him briefly about what Daniel Amen says about how reduced activity in different areas of the brain as associated with different types of behavior and that different types of food can be helpful in treating these behavioral problems. For example, XH has always liked pasta. I told him that pasta has activity similar to antidepressants in that they both elevate serotonin levels. He actually seemed interested. That was a bit surprising because when he was really an alien he had very little interest in Daniel Amen's work.

He talked about stresses at work (unloaded some stuff) and then pulled out his iPad (I pulled mine out too) and started showing me his apps and we talked about the iPads a bit. When it was time to pay the bill XH reached into his breast pocket for his credit card and found the cellophane package with the chocolate kisses. He was quite surprised and said "Is this a Valentine's gift?" I said "It's not what you think. You should open it." He was pleasantly surprised to see what was inside and promptly ate the chocolate kisses.

Dinner was good and at the end of the conversation I told XH the results of my tree test. He was very supportive, said he really thought I should try to save the tree and offered suggestions. Interesting. He was really being supportive. I told him that I hadn't thought of the things he suggested and thanked him for his ideas.

At the very end of our conversation, just before we stood to walk out of the restaurant, I could see a "look" in Mr. GAG's eyes that to me seemed to be a look of deep appreciation and connection. That was a very good moment, even though it wasn't laden with sexual tension. That look told me that at least on some level he "gets" and appreciates what I have done for him over the past several months.

He lingered a little bit as we were leaving the restaurant, looking at some of the special offers they had posted (so NOT in a rush). Then just before we walked out into the freezing cold, I leaned into him, kissed him on the cheek, and we hugged............I'm thinking that if this keeps up, there may be more opportunities for interactions once the cold weather doesn't force us to our cars right away.

My overall sense this evening is that XH still seems different than the man I used to know, but he does seem as though he is becoming more cognitively and emotionally like that person.

That's all for this week.

GAG

[courageous wife]

Sounds like a very nice encounter GAG!
It sounds like you followed your intuition and toned the flirting down a little and it worked out well!
Do I really have to wait until next week for the next installment?

[seeking answers]

I'm with CW, GAG. Do we have to wait until next week?

Sounds very positive, you're doing well!

[AntoniaB]

You know, what I think is really important about all your interactions for you and everyone else is that this is really like building a relationship from the ground up.

I think that to some extent a lot of us visualize that if they could just "come back" things would be ok, but in actuality, if they do start to make overtures as far as coming back, it isn't automatic. It involves building things from the first block onward. So I think your posts are very helpful as far as a reality check.

I think what you are doing with Mr. GAG is good, though, because building something with so much "work" under the bridge is really good/lasting, I'd think.

[MHL]

GAG,

I just wanted to pop in and tell you that I am happy for you and that this interaction with your XH is a HUGE step in the right direction. I will post more later.....have a great weekend!!!

Cheers

[dolphin_05]

I have been here and reading along but I haven't been in the right space to contribute much but I know that you've been getting some excellent advice from your regular contributors.

Wow GAG. I love the fact that Mr. GAG initiated the restaurant...this is creating a wonderful little habit to follow up after your weekly TT.

It all sounds very, very comfortable and although I know you are challenged by the lack of speed in this case, i think Antonia is correct and things are unfolding as they should in a new relationship...slowly but surely. The laughing and talking and sharing of information sounds really natural and comfortable and like MR GAG is allowing himself to enjoy your company.

The lingering is another really positive interaction.

[dolphin_05]

oops, the lingering is another positive indication!!

[Mila]

GAG - the observations that others have resonate true with me too. I also believe that things are unfolding as they should...very slowly...but still moving forward.
Look at where you are....from not talking at all to an occasional game of TT, that became regular games of TT, followed by going to restaurants together, now H is opening up and talking about himself and you are a big part of his family. If you weren't divorced I would say that you are in early stages of dating.

Cheers

[dolphin_05]

And btw GAG, fortunately it's nearly time for a new thread cos the tide has definitely turned and as a beach side dweller I am reading those tides pretty well!!

[goodattitudegirl]

Rejoicing this morning because it was 36°F here when I woke up. YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!! The weather forecasters are saying we're done with the ultra-cold temperatures this winter. Yeah!!

Yesterday I went to a new French cooking class taught by a woman in my neighborhood who also teaches at the cooking schools around town. About 12 of us were squeezed into her kitchen, all cooking together and it felt just like cooking a large meal with relatives. VERY warm, fuzzy, and nice! It reminded me of that movie "The Jane Austin Book Club" (EXCELLENT movie BTW --- perfect for us LBSs). Afterward, we all sat down around the dining room table and ate the feast we'd prepared. I am in LOVE with the fougasse aux l'oignon. It is "to die for". If anyone (MHL? how are you at making bread???? ) wants the recipe, I will post it.

I've finally made a decision about my tree. After interviewing 6 arborists/tree services I've decided to save the tree. Guess I'm just not good at throwing things away. The arborist is going to pull out all the stops to save it and make it safe. It will cost more than I expected so I will be tightening my belt to pay for it. This is one of the times that I miss H/XH. Seems like the house always needs some kind of repair and those are easier to face WITH someone.

Thank you CW, Seeking, Antonia, Missher, Cas, and Mila for stopping by to debrief with me after last week's TT game. Journaling really helps me to think about what has happened and as the ideas you put forward roll around in my head, sometimes my thoughts about them change.

You know, what I think is really important about all your interactions for you and everyone else is that this is really like building a relationship from the ground up.

I think that to some extent a lot of us visualize that if they could just "come back" things would be ok, but in actuality, if they do start to make overtures as far as coming back, it isn't automatic. It involves building things from the first block onward. So I think your posts are very helpful as far as a reality check.

I think what you are doing with Mr. GAG is good, though, because building something with so much "work" under the bridge is really good/lasting, I'd think.

Antonia, I absolutely LOVED your post! Thank you for writing this! The possibility that I might be slowly building a foundation for a future R with XH had been rumbling around my head but you put it into words so much better than I could have. Thank you...........I think that this could be a very important point in my situation with XH because when we first met we had been dating others online and were so thrilled to meet someone who held so many of the qualities that we both had been looking for, that we jumped in very quickly. There was courting, but not the kind of slow, let's get to know one another courting that gives one the time to think before they give their heart away.........It's possible that we could experience that this time? I don't know....but last time XH swept me off my feet and I followed but didn't put in a lot of effort other than trying to keep up. This time I feel more responsibility to woo him by thinking of fun things to do, novel places to go, thoughtful things to do for his family (ala Daniel Amen's recommendations in "Your Brain in Love").

Missher, I am so sorry about your D being finalized on friday. Please be good to yourself and know that many of us are thinking about you......If you need anything, please let us know.

I love the fact that Mr. GAG initiated the restaurant...this is creating a wonderful little habit to follow up after your weekly TT.

Cas, yes, it really seemed as though he had forgotten that I told him last week he needed to take me out for drinks and that he was actually asking me out for drinks himself. That must mean that he is enjoying our little outings........Now I need to look for other fun events that I can suggest we go to..........Oh, and BTW, I am very envious of your locale near the beach.

Look at where you are....from not talking at all to an occasional game of TT, that became regular games of TT, followed by going to restaurants together, now H is opening up and talking about himself and you are a big part of his family. If you weren't divorced I would say that you are in early stages of dating.

Mila, as always I really appreciate your perspective. I think you've summed it up nicely. The first warm, friendly contact came about 5 months post-D. Two months later (last June) was our first TT game (he was doing me a "favor" by practicing with me). Here we are 8 months later.........

In case folks missed it Holly06 posted this on 4peace's thread this morning. It described what I think has been happening in my situation with XH.

Your H is acting on hurt. He is blaming you, when the hurt he is feeling is from him. OW seems like a life raft. He doesn't feel the guilt and hurt w her.
Fast forward to the inevitable.
Some day, when you are nicely detached, in your new "happy" place, he will notice and want what you have.
Someday, when OW is firmly entrenched in his life, when he feels guilty about wanting YOU, she will get the blame and names, and she will not have provoked it either. She will handle it incorrectly, and that will distroy the R, over time. He will contrast how she is handling it, to how you are handling it, and she will come up short.

GAG