I had posted here before when my h left in November saying he loved me but wasnt in love with me -- felt trapped and needed to see if marriage was for him. Everyone asked if it was an affair and I said no I believed him.
I read the book - did the 180 - went dark -- he started coming around. He came to the house for Christmas eve - spent it with my family and didnt leave. We started spending time together. Going out having fun. Then he would ask to go watch the football games at his friends house. I said yes go because I didnt want to be controlling. well he was back a month until the fateful bears play off game. I got calls all night from a strange number. That morning he called me said he loved me and was not going into work he drank too much told me he loved me. I told him about the strange calls. Then as I was talking to him the number came up. I checked our voice - mail.
It was the husband of the women my H is/was having the affair with. He told me to tell my H to stop f'ing his wife (exact words) then there were messages to check my email. He sent me all of their sexual texts. I confronted my H - he denied it. Asked if he could come home I said no.
we have communicated these last two weeks -- he says its over but they still chat she wants to be friends. She is crazy and so is her H. I told him he cant communicate with me as long as he is communicating with her. He says he loves me and will always love me - misses my family and our two babies but doesnt want to come back if he is going to hurt me again.. We all know there isnt a simple solution for this.
went to an attorney and had divorce papers drawn up. Now I am having second thoughts on signing them. My family is angry. I just dont know what to do I dont want to give up but I already gave him his seperation - wouldnt divorce papers be a realty - please help
I'm sorry you find yourself here. No one can tell you what the right thing to do is.
HOWEVER.....
REACTING to a situation is much different that RESPONDING to a situation.
REACTING involves emotion and passion and often includes snap decisions.
RESPONDING to a situation involves taking a step back, evaluating the situation for what it truly is, and then determining what the best step for you is.
Originally Posted By: Hopeless29
I dont want to give up but I already gave him his seperation
If you already know you don't want this, then why are you doing it? Are you reacting or responding? Only you can answer this. But this is not a decision to be made lightly. If you have doubts, you should reassess. It doesn't matter what you've "already done". It only matters what you do moving forward.
If this is an MLC, it could be years before you may see any positive progress and with that, there are no guarantees. The question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to outlast the MLC. There is no right or wrong answer. Only you can decide.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Thank you for the advice and Cadet for posting my link wow was I naive then. I am so lost I want to be with my H - "divorce" old marriage and create a new one. He asked me to send him a recommendation to see someone. I found someone who is solutionI-based (I hope) and sent him the number. He is coming by next Tuesday to see the babies. I hope to have some kind of meaningful conversation about everything but that hasnt happened the entire time. I love this man. The last 3 months I have spent looking so deep in myself where I had short comings - what kind of marriage i really wanted for us and myself. How I could change and I did change. Which is why I think he came back but he wasnt ready - he was still disconnected and living a lie. I have emailed to see if we can get into the woodstock office. Only problem I have is that I always felt that I did all the loving and fighting for us - doesnt he have to come fighting for me?
Well my H is seeking counseling. Has his first appointment tonight. Not sure what is happening feel like I am in a dream that never ends or should I say nightmare. H has been at the house sleeping on the couch the last 3 nights says he doesnt have anywhere to go. I told him if he isnt committed to working on our marriage then he cant stay here he giving me false hope. He says the affair is over but he doesnt want to hurt me. I am so confused someone give me some insight
I knew about DB years ago when a friend was going through it. In support of her I read the blogs. Then it happened to me. I was in denial for a long time. So I had the luck of doing DB for a long time (while H was having an A) without really knowing it. By the time I woke up, it was on its way out. So the bulk of the work had been done.
Don't make any major decisions.
Breathe and let the dust settle.
There are a lot of people here who can help. Many of us have used the DB techniques and can tell you our experiences.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Thanks MZ. I have been re-reading the book, trying to make sense of everything. H is still here. I told him he cant be here if he isnt willing to work on the marriage. He goes to his second therapist appointment today. I really like her. I am hopeful and trying to see if we can save this marriage now that the truth is out.
Hopeless - So very sorry to read about your situation. I think Alb gave the best guidance - there is DEFINITELY a difference between "reacting" and "responding". Sometimes I sense from your posts a "hurry up and fix this" kind of feeling. I think you MUST take a step back and take extra good care of yourself and your babies. HE is in need of a lot of work only HE can do. Detaching a bit more will give you some much needed breathing room. There is a really great book (an oldie but goodie) - by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough. I wish I had read it the first time my H left his senses. I think it would have guided me to handle things much differently - in hindsight now I think I accepted WAY too much in the name of "trying to save my family." I think my family is paying a price for that today.
Just my opinion - but you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
