Wow.. I am numb. what a night. W tells me after dinner that she called MC and asked if she would "guide us through a divorce". I acknowledged her and said "I am sorry your feel that way". She then said that she didn't want this to be ugly and to remain friends, and she thought we needed help to do this?? I asked if this was her final decision or if she would go to MC with an open mind that perhaps there was some other way to work on the R (this may have been a mistake??). Has anyone else had this situation? I have been lying awake since 3 am, reading through post after post on this board looking for some consolation.. I asked her for a "time out" so I could process this.. I am in the middle of readin DR, and just finished the LRT section. Is this the end or do I keep going ??? Is it time to resort to The Last Resort?? Looking for any support..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Still reeling from the last couple of days. Went to see mt MC alone, and she told me to home and acknowledge my W's wishes for the divorce.. I read somewhere on here (or in DR) about a 180, and she told me "agreeing" would be just that, but that I needed to put some distance between W and I, since she has been trying to be "friends" while all along she wanted the D, just wouldn't say it. She told me to make sure we were sleeping in different rooms, not do anything together, etc... This seems counterintuitive to what I think is right ? and I understand from my reading of DR? Or am I not understanding what the Lat Resort Technique should be? Should I be completely pulling back and trying to get her to reconsider? I am very confused at this point? After reading all of the posts, i thought we were in the "piecing" mode, I guess not? Can anyone comment?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Yes, td, it's the LRT. But that's ok, because it gives you a second chance at a first impression.
'Agreeing' isn't the right thing to do, but reminding her of the distance between you and the disagreements also aren't. You don't want to say 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. That is actually invalidating.
Just listen. Try to really understand her when she's talking, bring it out. But only when you can really do it without interjecting your hurt and disagreement. It's really hard, especially at first, and it DOES feel counterintuitive.
Thanks for the words..dbmod, but she won't really talk at all, i have been trying to listen, but nothing about anything short of the "mechanics" of our kids comes up..who picks up who where and when..things like that..
So, i am really empty and lost right now, and she is pushing to "sit down" and get a plan together to get moving on the divorce? I am not sure I am clear after the reading of the LRT, both in the book, and the links you provided, what course of action that might represent? Agree and sit down with her and start dividing things? or say I am not ready ? or avoid it altogether?
Comments from anyone?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
OK.. I initially agreed to the D, but asked for a week or two to get my thoughts together.. Do I just keep my mouth shut about the D or the R at all? and see when she brings it up again? Or i am just prolonging the inevitable ? We have gone to spending almost no time together virtually overnight, by my request after the MC recommended that, but I am not sure that this isn't hurting any chances of Reconciling? Had to go to an event for my son today, and we did sit together. Really lost on how to implement the LRT correctly. I have read it over and over, but I am not sure if I should be pulling away, or just GAL.. and keep taking it day by day? Any comments from others experiences?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Still so lost, the only conversations that she wants to have is how to get separated and logistical items with the household and children. I am not resisting D and separation talk, but should I be "dragging my feet" and not agreeing or making it easier for her to leave. I am not very clear on this with respect to the LRT?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
I am looking for some feedback on my sitch and comments.. Anybody have any words of encouragement? Really struggling to stay focused..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Still so lost, the only conversations that she wants to have is how to get separated and logistical items with the household and children. I am not resisting D and separation talk, but should I be "dragging my feet" and not agreeing or making it easier for her to leave. I am not very clear on this with respect to the LRT?
I dragged my sitch out as long as I could, made her explain to the kids that she wanted the D, and I wanted to save the M; made her wait until after the holidays etc etc. Then she filed and that was that. We're in the D process now, and I just want to get it over with. My W is not the same person I married and I really don't want who she's become. We are as distant as east from west, but managing the household for the kids sake.
Take that story for what it's worth; there's little hope for a miracle in the short term. The WAS is on a journey, which they probably began a long, long time before they dropped the bomb.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
