Sitting in my house all alone...

[Still learning]

NavyGuy,

Ditto about the dreams. Haven't had dreams like this since I was a little kid. Some are way too real and always about losing my W. Two thoughts. One, we're probably waking up more often so we're remembering dreams that normally we wouldn't. Two, when I was on a (very) low dose of AD medication I couldn't feel any change during the day but the dreams were more real than reality. Wow. I understand this is common. Either way, I chalked them up as annoying side effects. Why I never have dreams about drinking a Corona on the beach, I don't know.

[Navyguy]

I have been an absolute wreck at work today. Just been sitting here shaking and occasionally I start breathing quickly. I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown or panic attack or something...I've been through some emotional pain before but nothing ever close to this. I'm actually considering going to the doctor. Part of it was the dreams but the other part is that i'm worried that she's trying to find a job out there. Fairly obvious that I'm not detaching well here....almost wondering if i'm codependent.
Going to a friend's house for dinner after work, and I'll talk to the kids afterwards, hopefully that will help me relax.

[Redo]

NG:

I dont know if this is gonna help. You did mention 'codependent'
I have to tell you i've been married for 11 years and my W filed this jan. I was a miserable wreak. None of my family understood why i was taking this so bad. I could not detach for more than a month. My W said she left because she could not take me being constantly panicky and anxious and depressed. I recently found this book that has been a godsend. It is called "anxious to please". Google it. It cost me about $8.00 at the half price bookstore. If you are a codependent person, this book will help you enormously. I have been reading this book for a couple of days now and feel that I need to work on myself first before i even think about the M.

I would venture and say, go ahead and now figure out if you need to do any personal growth. If there is, take care of it first. If the changes are positive and your W sees it, chances are she might like the new you and come back. Then your M will be stronger than before. If not, you will be in a much better place emotionally.

[ironMan]

Hey Navyguy. Here's my take .... we're basically the same biologically as the caveman. And, we are feeling a threat to our family. Our brains can't tell the difference between a sabre tooth tiger and our family being torn apart by a WAW. So, you get that fight or flight response.

Here's the thing ... this isn't going to kill you. Get up, take a walk, do some DEEEEEEP breathing. Visualize yourself on a beach ..... being ok.

You are going to have anxiety ..... that's ok. There is no sabre tooth tiger in front of you. You're going to make it thru this.

[Navyguy]

Well, the dinner and skype with the kids did the trick....in much better shape now. Had a long talk with my buddy's W about my sitch...she's a Ph.D psych student and she was pretty impressed by the realizations i've made. The advice she gave me was dead on with the principles of DB.

I'll definitely check out that book...reading a book never hurt anyone...I certainly have learned that lesson.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Navy,
Glad to hear that you are doing better tonight. Look, I had those panic attacks for weeks after I found out about the EA. One was so bad, I got up and walked out on a meeting I was sitting in at the time. I have given this advice numerous times on here, but I want to give it to you. Next time you get the heavy breathing or the feeling like you are going to peel your skin off, change your environment. Take a walk, go talk to a co-worker, find something funny on YouTube, whatever does it for you. You will find that doing this will help your frame of mind. Try it and let me know if it works for you.

I was very, very glad to hear that your trip home went well. I am also very glad you got some quality time with your children. That was awesome! Just keep DB'ing for now and don't worry about what your W is doing just yet. It is way to early for her to make any kind of move. Remember, she might look like she has her mind made up, but that is not true. I have talked to three different WAS's over the past few weeks and they all said the same things. In front of their LBS's they looked like they had it all together. But, behind closed doors, they too were absolute wrecks unable to eat or sleep.

I wish you peace and a good night's rest tonight!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Navyguy]

Yeah...just worried by some purchases she has made lately that she is job hunting as well as looking for her own place out in Colorado. W knows she can do it all on her own, because she did for the 2 deployments I have done. I also worry about the influence her mom and sister are having on her.

[Navyguy]

So, back on the selling the car thing...here's the e-mail I'm thinking about sending. What does everyone think?

W,

As part of my journey of learning who I am and becoming who I truly want to be, I have realized just how much you have sacrificed in your life for me and our family. You have always been so willing to work your tail off to get what you wanted out of life, and I truly admire that about you. I don't think there is a better example of that than what you accomplished while I was in Afghanistan...you were staying up until 3 AM or later to do your schoolwork...and all the while you were taking care of xxxx and xxxx and the house while I was over there. You did a truly amazing job and it should have been so obvious to me that you felt great about what you had accomplished. Then I got back, and instead of seeing what you needed in life and adapting myself to what was making you happy, I expected you to go back to the way things had been...and I was so, so wrong to do that. You even told me how much happier you were! It should have been so obvious to me how important that was to you.

This leads me back to my priorities in life and my realization of how screwed up they have been. I have always wanted you to be happy, but my actions have not reflected my words. I have made one decision after another where I should have put your happiness first, but failed to do so. I should have done anything I could to support your goals, and I didn't. I should have been your #1 cheerleader and pushed you toward your goals, and I didn't.

Not anymore.

You are such a wonderful, giving person...you have always known the meaning of unconditional love, and your actions have always reflected that. You sacrificed going to school so xxxxx could go to preschool. I now know that before that ever happened I should have looked at what I could have sacrificed for you and him. Sometime next week you will see a pretty good-sized deposit in our savings account. The money is from selling the S2000, and it is yours. I hope that you will use it to pay for your school, no matter what happens with us. This is something I should have done a long time ago, and I am truly sorry and am so disappointed in myself for the fact that things had to get to where they are today for me to realize that. I now have new priorities in life, and for the first time I truly feel inside that I have them right.

Love,

M

[Still learning]

MyKarma, can we get a group rate on that book?

[Mach1]

Once again...

Depends on the reason...

Are you trying to relieve your guilt ?

Are you thinking she will see the light ?

I see it coming across as a resentment down the road, from BOTH of you...

Her for having to walk, to get it..

And you, for giving it and that lone single action, not bringing her back....

You're not gonna talk, or buy, your way out of something you ACTED your way into....


Me ? shred the letter....