W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

[sparks14]

You keep saying (and I can't tell tone from computer writing but I teach writing so I KNOW tone and it seems to seep from your posts) that someone else reading that stuff would have left

if that is how you feel
self-righteous like look how great you are that you haven't left,
look how "taking the high road" you are...

there is no point in staying

feeling big by making others feel small is no way to be
cut her loose and don't pretend
feel big another way

if however, you are feeling like your self-esteem has been shaken (which I get) and you are unsure of where you stand with her but you hope it is in a good place (again, I get) and you really want her to love you

then you need to modify your terms (like in therapy, saying look how I have taken the high road) because I would have walked out if I were your wife

everyone makes mistakes in their relationships

you will get nowhere if you don't acknowlege that your mistakes were just as damaging and just as hurtful as hers

Thanks for the response, Figgeroni. I know tone is not always something that comes out well in typed text.

I guess let me clarify the high road piece. I do not believe it is coming off self righteous. At least I hope it is not. I guess for me, the attitude I am getting from my family is if this were to happen to me, I would be gone. If I read through 400 very damaging emails, I would be gone.

My point is that I am not gone. My attitude towards my W and our relationship has never changed. Even though the gory details of the emails.

I am not here to make others feel small as I portray myself as a saint.

I truly love my wife and seek to resolve this and get back towards trust and this includes my faults as well.

However, I guess I am still not at a point at this moment (it could change in the next moment) where I believe that all mistrust is equal. As Mach pointed out, a lie is a lie. My W had a ten month affair where our entire marriage was a lie. I read her email to discover the truth in order to save our marriage. How can those two mistrusts be on a level ground? How can she point towards my mistrust of the emails to deflect the impact of the affair?

So I assume the only way to approach it in therapy is to say that we have both made mistakes toward a breaking of trust. It will take two of us to heal those wounds and rebuild?