What should I do?

[Queen_of_Swords]

It again was never meant that way. I was hoping you would follow the train and come right back at me. I was ready for a beat down. Or at least some hostility. One thing I have learned is that you have to "see" the other side. You have to "see" what the WAS is. Just because my post count beats yours does not mean I am smarter or better than you. I am posting in the "newcomer" section. Everyone can see it. Yes.. I would like things to not be the cut and dry stuff that most people will post. But I don't fault you for doing just that. I appreciate that you took the time to post. Most people won't. You did. My walk here has allowed me to "play" both sides(W/H). I am most likely going to learn from the "reaction" to what I typed out. I am so much better at things "here" than I am in RL because I can digest it and not have to think on the fly. This is why a wall of text is fine with me. I can't explain it any other way than it is just the way my brain works.

I understand that it wasn't meant as how I took it Forest.
You can have the same situation the same words, and four people are going to have four different reactions depending on the damage or programming they recieved as children.

You just saw my damage by the way I reacted.
To a degree, I can also see yours by your reaction to what I write.

See.. I like that. Just not sure how to broach that subject or what to suggest. When I come home.. I am the "Go Boy" meaning I "Go" get dinner.. I "Go" to the store.. I just "Go". By the time I have finished "Go Boy" it is time for her to go to sleep. We used to talk just before she went to bed. But then the son kept coming in. And she would "snuggle" with him. Plus it was way past bed time. (For him)

So work your magic and give me some simple terms there. If you were in that situation with me.. what would you want me to do?

I wish I had magic Forest. I just have some practical suggestions that may or may not work. Hmmm, a transitional signal that would make it clear to your wife.

Well lead time is good Forest, you know we women are like electric stoves in our responses, not a gas flame...there is no instant on. So, say an hour before your "go to" time stops, touch your wife, grab her hand, kiss her neck, stroke her hair ( whatever will get her attention and fulfill a need for touch there) and say something about your intent. Look her in the eye and tell her " Hon, I'd like to share your day, could you be ready for some time for us ,in private and peace by the time I get back? I really love the sound of your voice when we share our lives that way."

Use Gary Chapman's love languages here. If gifts are one of her primary love languages, bring her a little gift back from your trip to the store. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful...Hershey's kisses, a scratch and win ticket...use your imagination.
If that doesn't work, perhaps you take over or share in the bedtime ritual for your child so it's a clear signal that it's time to wind down for all of you.
Or, you set the mood. You turn the lights down low, light candles, put out a nightgown/robe for your wife.

If it isn't working do something else until you find what does.

Ok.. I made to big a deal about the porn. So just for the sake of discussion lets limit it to my "drinking". 90% of my drinking happens after she has hit the bed. Not recently.. but before all "this" started. Again.. it is a cycle. We are almost where we were in early 2007. The porn use has just cropped up recently. I question somewhat your perspective of the "Boy in the man". To be honest with you.. looking back.. she liked the "Boy" more. Again.. I get it.. just not sure I totally am on the same page with you.

Oh don't get me wrong Forest, we love that boy too! We love the zest for life, the spontaneity, the exuberance, the unselfconciousness, the fun that the boy brings to the man. We just don't want him in control, because little boys are not good at navigating the adult world.

What's the alcohol for Forest? Is it to let your walls down so you can feel or is it to numb out? If it's to numb out is it to numb the pain of disappointment or neglect? Think really hard on this.

I was gonna grab your whole statement. But.. this I think encompass everything. I know that I need to "Know my wife". But I have to apply that same thought to her. She should "Know Me".

I understand that by being a man I have to bear the burden of doing "more".

Things from my POV at this point are pretty even.

Yes she should know you too.

Forest I have to say from the description of your wife by you, it sounds to me like there is some depression going on ...the way she's painted here, she barely seems to have an interest in life, she's lackluster, self contained, a shadow.

Depressed people are totally narcissistic, focused only on themselves, they can't focus on anyone else, they can barely get up in the morning let alone focus on anyone else's needs. They're so deeply caught in their own pain. Depression is anger turned inward and ulimately is a disorder based in severe lack of self love.

Forest you are not required to "do more", because you're the man. Perhaps right now you are simply because marriages are not always equal. Somedays you give 80% and other days she does.

Marriage is a partnership. We both bring things to the table that the other cannot. The perception that your sex obligates you to do more is not entirely accurate. Who told you it is so?

Forest , you need affirmation too, if only you give it to YOURSELF right now. Please believe me, it will help over time.

Remember a change in your behaviour - cannot help but change hers too.

When should I expect "something" from her?

If she is depressed, it could take some time. Figure a couple weeks to get assessed, 3 weeks to see if the meds are helping, and then three months or so before the world seems a friendlier and pinker place to be. Then the hard stuff starts with figuring out the beliefs she has about herself and her place in this world. The meds will help but they won't do it all...and sadly some have the effect of killing libido.

How much do you and can you love Forest? Enough to love her unconditionally through this. To keep giving without expectation of receiving? To throw her a lifeline and even walk the same path to self healing? What does it mean to you? Because it won't be easy.

Take away how much "time" is involved on my part.
I mean damn.. I am posting and pouring my heart out to try and grasp at "something". I have said everything to her I have said here. She even said to me the other night that I see you posting on DB.com. She knows my user name.. she can google it up.

Forest your pain and distress comes through loudly to me. I wish I could help you relieve it.

There has to be a win-fall somewhere.

"Oh Forest I'm so sorry. I can see why you're hugely disappointed. I hope you don't use the phrase "get some" with her?"

The words in "" came from her.. and her thoughts on what I want.

I see. Wow!
Do you know what that tells me Forest? It's not about you. It's about her. It's about how she views herself. She believes her only value to you lies in the sexual.

Do you know how I know? About four months ago, I was in so much emotional pain I had an R talk with my H. In it I said to him, " What was I to you anyway? Just a f*ck toy?" He said " You think so little of me!" I said, " No, I think that you think so little of ME!"

Do you see a parallel?

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