Less Scared and Less Alone

[hope2011]

So this is kind of long story to tell you I'm scared every minute of every day, I'm just so scared.

So... When I was 17, while walking to school, I was picked up, taken a few miles away to the woods, raped and left. I was very lucky and I know that because I came away with only a few scars and a dislocated hip but that was about it physically.

Mentally, I was a wreck. I became suicidal and had court-ordered therapy. I stuck with it for about a year, but all in all it did nothing for me. This is why I really love MWD so much because she hit on something that I really understood because of my own therapy. We spent a lot of time talking about what happened and my past, but no time on how I actually could figure out how to move on.

I went to college, but was plagued by nightmares and this shyness I talk about a lot (this is why it is so hard for me to meet new people). The nightmares would haunt me and when I was married the first time, even worsened. I started sleep walking and even managed to start the car before my XH realized what was going on.

So, one day, my H came into my life. He found out about the nightmares when we started spending the nights together (very embarrassing). But he was so gentle about the whole thing. He would whisper to me when I would wake up to pretend that he was there and he was beating up whoever was there. After about a year, the nightmares were gone. I mean completely gone. I was a new person.

Fast forward to today. When my H moved out of our room, the nightmares started again. It was like 12 years without them never happened and they are back. I don't sleep and I spend my days almost terrorized again. I know the answer is more therapy but after my last experience, I'm not a fan. But I know I can't live like this.

I don't know why this comes up tonight, but I had a bad night last night and I dread another night of this...

Thanks for listening... I pray for you all dear friends.

Oh LIS, wish I could give you a hug after reading that!!! I can't imagine what you went through. I have a lot of respect for you for surviving that, for becoming stronger. Not everyone mentally survives trauma, but you did. I know it must still be hard, I'm sorry the nightmares are back.

I think what your H did was sweet and supportive and all by talking you through the nightmares.... but I think you're giving him too much credit. You stopped them, not him. You allowed yourself to feel safe enough to stop those nightmares. You can do it again. Maybe make a tape of yourself softly talking? "I survived. I'm a strong woman. I'm an adult now and I can kick that guy's @$$ if he tried that again with me now. I'm not a teenager anymore, he has no power over me. I'm stronger, better, good. God has my back" or something like that? You can do it!!!!!!