FOBD - after I read your post on this thread about the control issue and your experience after your Dad passed away, man I felt like I was reading my life story only diff was this all happened to me after my Mom passed away. I have re-read that post alot and I can't believe how parallel that part of our sith are. And how I didn't realize how depressed and disconnected I had become from myself and my H. Wow - I'm sitting here at my desk in utter silence.
My board sister LIS - for you to share with us such a horrific event in your life, I feel nothing but honored. Please know that this will only be of small comfort to you, but know that I am proud to know a survivor. I work for a breast cancer org and I am always honored when I meet or talk to surivivors. You all have overcome such adveristy and offer us hope and redemption.
I pray for you and your sitch. That your H comes out of the fog and sees what a wonderful women you are. That he isn't going to find anyone better than you out there.
Keep strong LIS - I hope you have a great day.
(((HUGS)))
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
FOBD, I'm a control freak!!!! I mean how stupid is that? Control is an illusion just like security. There is no such thing. How can I know this logically but still struggle with letting it go??
Dixie, PLEASE HELP ME. I'm studying everything and anything I can about unconditional love. I'm trying so hard to not have the resentment you talked about, but I can't seem to hold it together for any length of time. What is wrong with me? I know these feelings are the kiss of death for my marriage. Why can't I pull it together??? I mean who the heck am I to judge my husband when he felt just as abandoned when I got depressed as I do now?
Gypsy, thanks for the thoughts, they mean a lot. It's easy to talk to you guys. Part of it is that I still get to hide (not so good). Part of it is that I know everyone of us identifies with each other. (Which is very good). It used to be that my day was determined by what my H was doing or not doing. But now, I draw such strength from you guys. I mean, I yell at my screen sometimes for some things done or said on someone's thread, I laugh my behind off A LOT, I cry because someone is down, and boy, I scream in triumph when something good happens. I swear it's like watching a football game sometimes.
Denver, grr, 2Step, ironman, thanks so much for the thoughts and concern. It means so much. I'm so sorry that I am falling apart here. I don't do this. This isn't me. Yet here I am falling apart...
Sorry for disappearing yesterday. We had a snow storm hit. H spent the night at the house. Not too much to report about that except I didn't hide in the bedroom. He wanted to stay over but I wanted to be in my living room. So there I stayed until bed... I thought it would be uncomfortable, but it wasn't. He actually asked me to come have a smoke with him at work today which is like the first time in better than a month. OW, according to rumor mill at work, gets to town next week. He, though, is booking a trip out of town??? Don't know if I'm wrong about all of this, if he's trying to throw me off or I'm right but things in paradise aren't so paradisey (new word, not yet in dictionary, but I LIKE it).
Anyway, want to get caught up with everyone else. You all (that's y'all for Dixie - did I spell that right? God, I've been in TN a year, I should have this down by now) better have some good news for me!!!
I'm trying so hard to not have the resentment you talked about, but I can't seem to hold it together for any length of time. What is wrong with me? I know these feelings are the kiss of death for my marriage.
They are the kiss of death as long as you maintain them. You will have them Lis, and you will have them often but they will fade. Mine faded through studying and learning about my W and meeting all of you. I realized 'how can I resent her when I was doing this to her the whole time' I am fortunate she does not resent me. Feeling this is natural, don't be ashame and don't push them away. Feel it!
Quote:
I'm so sorry that I am falling apart here. I don't do this. This isn't me. Yet here I am falling apart...
Don't be! I fall apart every Sunday. If you knew me for any length of time you would know that I am not the one who falls apart. I am the one who doesn't cry or show emotions. My SIL (my brothers wife) said to me "I just didn't think you would fall apart like this" boy was she right. I didn't either. It's part of the journey. We are here for you, come talk to us and let us lift you up. You have done it for me over and over.
LIS,
Stay the course and stay strong. Sometimes we feel as if we are idiots for standing for a M that the other person doesn't want but once we acknowledge our role in this and really concentrate on correcting ourselves the feeling of resentment anger or anything negative you may be feeling start to go away.
We have a very similar past and I just had to reach out to you. If you ever have a moment to read some of my posts, you'll see what I mean. I'm here to listen if you need to talk.
So this is kind of long story to tell you I'm scared every minute of every day, I'm just so scared.
So... When I was 17, while walking to school, I was picked up, taken a few miles away to the woods, raped and left. I was very lucky and I know that because I came away with only a few scars and a dislocated hip but that was about it physically.
Mentally, I was a wreck. I became suicidal and had court-ordered therapy. I stuck with it for about a year, but all in all it did nothing for me. This is why I really love MWD so much because she hit on something that I really understood because of my own therapy. We spent a lot of time talking about what happened and my past, but no time on how I actually could figure out how to move on.
I went to college, but was plagued by nightmares and this shyness I talk about a lot (this is why it is so hard for me to meet new people). The nightmares would haunt me and when I was married the first time, even worsened. I started sleep walking and even managed to start the car before my XH realized what was going on.
So, one day, my H came into my life. He found out about the nightmares when we started spending the nights together (very embarrassing). But he was so gentle about the whole thing. He would whisper to me when I would wake up to pretend that he was there and he was beating up whoever was there. After about a year, the nightmares were gone. I mean completely gone. I was a new person.
Fast forward to today. When my H moved out of our room, the nightmares started again. It was like 12 years without them never happened and they are back. I don't sleep and I spend my days almost terrorized again. I know the answer is more therapy but after my last experience, I'm not a fan. But I know I can't live like this.
I don't know why this comes up tonight, but I had a bad night last night and I dread another night of this...
Thanks for listening... I pray for you all dear friends.
Oh LIS, wish I could give you a hug after reading that!!! I can't imagine what you went through. I have a lot of respect for you for surviving that, for becoming stronger. Not everyone mentally survives trauma, but you did. I know it must still be hard, I'm sorry the nightmares are back.
I think what your H did was sweet and supportive and all by talking you through the nightmares.... but I think you're giving him too much credit. You stopped them, not him. You allowed yourself to feel safe enough to stop those nightmares. You can do it again. Maybe make a tape of yourself softly talking? "I survived. I'm a strong woman. I'm an adult now and I can kick that guy's @$$ if he tried that again with me now. I'm not a teenager anymore, he has no power over me. I'm stronger, better, good. God has my back" or something like that? You can do it!!!!!!
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
LIS I was reading through your sitch and my heart goes out to you. Nightmares are terrible and can make for a very crappy night. I too used to suffer from them. It has been a long time since I have had one though. So i thought I would tell you what I used to do. I would lay in bed and imagine what would happen if I ran into my assaulter now. As an adult, not a child. What would my reaction be? So for example, I would be at the mall and run into him at the food court. At first it took awhile to get myself out of being a child and all I would do is run. But the more i convinced myself i was a strong capable woman the better the images went. So instead of running, i would stand on the table in the food court and scream at him....you pervert, you sick a$$hole. I’m gonna let the world know what a creep you are. There were times that I would imagine punching him right in the face and spitting on him. The more I imagined being strong, the stronger I actually became. My sitch was a little different than yours but I believe the out come result is pretty close to the same. You need to tell yourself everyday...I AM STRONG! I AM CAPABLE OF LETTING IT GO! Get angry and let your mind help you.
I really hope this kinda makes sense to you. I can not remember the last time I had a nightmare. And I know if I ever ran into him again, I would be ready to stand up for myself.
I am truly sorry that this happened to you. I hope some of this helps a little or maybe someone else can help you through these nightmares. Sending you the biggest hug I can!!!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
(((LIS)))), I too read your sitch and I feel so much for you. I understand why your H is so special - the way he handled those nightmares were spot on, he was your protector. My H did that too to my D12 when she was 7 - when she had her anxiety attacks, he would pretend to beat her "awees" and now, when she recalls what helped her get over her anxiety, she tells me it was Dad, not the therapist. Reading your sitch, I felt the familiar ache in my stomach that I feel when I think about my H leaving us, especially D12.
No matter how strong we all are, we fall apart. I do so every two weeks or so. Sometimes, it gets bad, and I show my resentment to H, which always has a bad effect ultimately, and what I think has made our M worse and worse throughout the whole sitch.
TRy to hang in there and be consistent. YOu have been so helpful and encouraging in spite of your pain.
Praying for you.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I swear when I get a minute, I will reply back to all of you folks who responded to me. I am so not this deserving.
DIXIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME. Ok, so he stayed last night because of the snow. He's coming back here again. Tell me what to do. Do I discourage it? He's not saying anything other than making excuses to come here. WHAT DO I DO?????????????
