Kevc, from the outside looking in she's getting what she wants when she wants it and then dumping you in the abyss.
I know you're looking for any crumb of affection and positive affirmation right now, and you hurt and this felt good for the time it lasted. It hurts now though doesn't it?
She wants to hug and kiss, and ML with you, but still have the divorce too? She doesnt' want you to move because if she does divorce you she wants you around in case she changes her mind? Does this sound like the behaviour of a child that wants to live a life consequence free?
Dude, IMHO she's jerking you around and you're letting her. Divorce means she wants to END your relationship.
Her words don't match her actions, and her actions make you crazy.
Kevc, you need to take care of you. I cannot imagine how much you hurt right now.
dbmod is right, you need professional advice from soneone that's seen this before.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Thank you, Financially i cant do alot at the moment regarding the expert help but your words make sense to me. Im now alone as she has gone back, i have kinda stuck to my guns over moving away, she said she is gutted, but i feel im right to do that, i need to gain some strength here about going dark i think so any help i would be so grateful for, i use face book and she wants me there every night may be that would be somewhere to start...kevc
Kevc, I am also one of the last people to give advice. My sitch is to new to even see if what I have been trying is working. I only see little hints of progress, still I am trying to stay the course and make permanent changes. Some of you sitch is similar to mine, in that W claimed domination, control, and abuse. She has moved in with supportive family encouraging the D.
I agree with Scylla_Charibdis and dbmod professional advice would be best. I understand the financial aspect as I also find myself there. In the mean time have you read DR or DB. I found a copy of DR locally. It has been a very helpful and I continue to read it. Other threads here will provide ideas that can help also. The trick is determining if something is working and sticking to it.
In my own sitch I have been trying to 180 those things I have been able to identify as friction points. I have begun to GAL for me. I have gone dark and I am trying to use LRT. I have validated her feelings of being trapped and controlled. I have sincerely apologized for making her feel that way. This was our last conv F to F. I have gone dark and will wait for her to contact me. I cannot advise you to do the same as each sitch is different, and I am just another traveler on this road. I can tell you there are other things to do like these. They are explained in other threads here and in DR.
IMO waiting on FB each night and responding immediately seems needy to me. You cannot control your sitch, but you can control how you react or contribute to it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Well last night i was late back from doing dads taxi bit, she had been online to 8.30, because i wasnt there she went off, normally she waited, this is due to the fact she is gutted i wont be around after divorce.I never texted her again something i always did, no contact 48hrs, thats a first. Tonight i was online talking to my friend, she came on and said hi, we spoke general chit chat, she was cold towards me, i backslided right at end and said i missed her loads but thats all. This coldness because she feels i dont want her in my future, am i taking a lifeline away here, should i go darker....im so flat now....kevc
Kevc, I am not qualified to give advice yet, here I am responding, I’ll tell you what I think and what I am doing.
IMO appearing needy and pursuing will only push her away. She needs to see you as you were when the relationship started. I’ll wager you were more confident, and had personal activities that made you happy. A happy confident spouse is more attractive than a needy one. GAL, this is what I am working on. Involve the children in this.
Detach from the emotions about your sitch to gain control of your reaction to it and your S. This is incredibly difficult to do, it is essential. I am not very attractive as an emotional mess; I doubt anyone of us is.
Determine which of your actions or behaviors caused her to see you as dominating and controlling and 180 it. She needs to see a real 180 here. Telling her about will increase her suspicions it is just a ruse, and she will begin to try and prove this to herself. She will find proof even where none exists. This isn’t about evidence; it is about emotions and perceptions. I never gave my S enough space to be herself. I hovered and had to be involved in most every aspect of her life. This is what she perceived as dominating and controlling. I was not detached enough in the R. It is a fine line that I am trying to learn to walk.
When she brings up R talk validate her feelings/reactions, especially to what caused her to see you as dominating and controlling and apologize sincerely. Do not plead, beg forgiveness, or tell her how much you’ve changed. Validate, Validate, Validate, Apologize then leave it at that. Give her space and time to think, she’ll need this to see your 180s are real.
Post often, but don’t panic when the replies are slow. Read other threads for ideas and to realize you are not alone, get a copy of DR and read it. This is a long rough rollercoaster ride, and sadly there are too many good people on it your W included.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thank you Just Stunned, Last night she didnt appear on FB, she has got annoyed at the fact i want to move. Im having councilling and working on my controlling against the councillors advice as she says im making myself fit into a catagory that i dont belong. My wife has gone dark on me, and to be honest im ok with that as it also gives me space to think. GAL is the next step for me, next week she is meant to be staying here, this again is against the refuge rules, last week i ran her to the door with her bags after staying here, it dosnt seem to bother her that she is going against the rules of the place she is staying, she isnt even meant to see me at all, as the controlling is classed as abuse, by the way im not at all violent, never have been and never will be. Her actions do not match her words at all, im waiting now for the court paperwork to sign, should be here very soon, that will hurt i know, but has to be done i guess. Where her mind is i have no idea, i do as you say and validate all with apologies, im staying very dark over weekend, and will see how it goes, the lovingness from her has died since starting to go dark, just hoping this is right, if not i will have to re think, thank you again....kevc
Hi All, Just an update really, i stayed well in the dark then just over two days later i get a text asking for a natter online. Said i would be a few minutes, took my time and went on. She asked how i was, all general chit chat no R talk. Told me about houses she was going to look at, would need sme stuff from me once she got one, you know knife twisting stuff, then smack in the middle of it all, came an "I miss you", i just said miss you too and carried on with the talk. She said she had a stressful week, didnt feel well, i said sorry you feel ill, and have been stressed then again carried on. Then again came another surprise, "wish i was there with you " i replied with, "same here" and again carried on. She spoke of a valentines dinner where she is (all girls), i didnt respond. We had another "wish i was there with you" i didnt respond this time, i said its late better get to bed which she agreed, i said good night Angel x, she replied good night Honey xxxxxxxxxx, so there you have it, now what, try and stay doing as im doing i guess, any help would be so good right now, hope i acted right, shes looking at houses soon, guess i feel a kind of panic, second stage of divorce very close too, thanks for being here everyone.....kevc
Kevc, I am checking back with you. By the time this gets posted you'll be in the middle of her visit. I pray you've been able to DB this week. Do fun things with the children. leave the door open for your W to join in, but do not point out the open door or pressure in anyway. Let it be her decision, and if she does let her see she is welcome. If she withdraws, let it happen without notice from you. If she is testing the waters she needs to see she is welcome, the water is fine, and she can leave anytime. There is no control of you here is the message I would show to her, but not say to her. She needs to see it.
Control or perceived control is very subtle. In my own world my W perceived control simply because I spent to much energy ensuring we spent as much time as possible together. I was smothering her ability to be herself. She saw that as I was trying to make her into what I wanted her to be, not allowing her to be herself. Taken to that extreme this is control. It does not matter that it was not my intention. What matters is she perceived it as control.
This board is full of references to the WAS perceiving things not as intended or beyond reality. I helps them justify their actions. They need to see your 180's. You need to GAL to be happier and more attractive. Are you reading DB or DR?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Kevc, your post showed after my last one. This could be real progress, could be. Be cautious, keep doing what your doing. After the hurt she needs to win you back also. I used to see progress where I hoped to see progress not where there was progress.
If this is progress what are your goals to sustain it?
I've always been great at setting goals and making changes, but pretty poor at sustaining the changes. Just another thing for me to 180.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
