If my husband yells at me and calls me a b*tch and threatens to leave in front of our children should i go dark? This happened at bedtime and after an slmost sleepless night for me he treated me very curtly and left for work. Situations like this happen frequently for me and after he has given me a few days or a week of the cold shoulder he comes back with no apologies, wants sex,gets it and then virtually treats me like the housekeeper. Any discussion i have with him raises his defences and he yells again. I am sick of the making up cycle where he acts innocent and i am hurt and resentful but make up to keep the peace. I really feel like going dark but i think he will use it as a weapon against me. I actually cant stand him atm
What I'm going to say sounds harsh; but it comes directly from my experience.
The first thing you do is set a BOUNDARY on his clear disrespect; let him know in NO uncertain terms that you will NOT put up with him speaking to you in this way; and when he threatens to leave, tell him IF he wants to leave, he KNOWS where the door is; that keeps the decision on HIS shoulders for leaving ;let him know that each time he calls you names, you will leave the room; and do IT.......leave the room; and go totally dim on him; NO sex, nothing until he begins to respect you.
He threatens and namecalls because he CAN...stop being afraid of him, and what he will do and won't do; and furthermore, STOP the discussions...not everything deserves an answer....and if you don't set firm boundaries and carry out the consequences; this will continue.
He gets sex, because you allow him to have it; I was unable to have sex with my husband while he was disrespecting me.......he has NO respect for you; therefore speaking to you every which way; but in a right way; as a proper spouse. If you have a spare bedroom; move him into it; or even put him on the COUCH to sleep and IGNORE him as much as possible UNTIL he begins to show proper respect to you....
Doesn't matter if he "uses" it against you...you can't control that anyway; and your self respect is on the line...it's a further blow when you allow him to treat you this way in front of your children....the damage has already been done from his end; so what you do; is let him go in front of the children...also letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable....leave the room taking the children with you, if possible.....your boundary setting would also teach the children that sacrificing self respect is not acceptable...and that is you're doing when you allow him to run over you in front of the children.
If you can't do this in front of the children; then catch him later and calmly let him have it; letting him know how it's going to be; and carrying out exactly what you said you would do, in an ongoing way. If he yells at you; restate your boundary, AND remove yourself from his presence; and if the unacceptable behavior happens again; REMOVE YOURSELF from his presence again.
Stay CONSISTENT with this change of behavior; he may test you hard; but you need to stand firm with him....UNTIL he begins to straighten up..and he will either do that or leave, HIS CHOICE.
I don't advise throwing them out; if they leave, they need to leave on their own; I handled my own WITHOUT throwing him out of the house; always keeping the decision for leaving on HIS shoulders.
My husband NEVER called me names during the crisis; but he threatened me with leaving quite a bit UNTIL I put a stop to it..by letting him go to do whatever he THOUGHT he needed to do.
Most don't really want to leave; and they try to get the LBS to do what the MLC'er is TOO WEAK TO DO...and that is throw them out so they have yet another thing to blame the LBS with.
Don't play into his hands; but don't back down, either.
I've read many who tell some of the same things....people will treat us in the way we ALLOW them to; and though boundaries are for us; the majority of the time; unless they are pretty far gone in the tunnel...when you make a stand for your self respect; they do back off; because what they do in the way name calling and threatening; is controlling disrespect on their part; clearly immature; and boundaries are called for; and if they decide to leave, so WHAT; you're not losing a thing.
This happens frequently for you because this is a cycle of controlling behavior on his part that needs to be broken by a change in YOUR behavior...believe me, if you will stand firm and take the advice; something WILL change within him and you....the dynamics of this cycle of disrespect will be broken; one way or the other.
In other words, he keeps doing it, because it controls what you do; and fear also controls you...and you must lose the fear that he will leave when you begin to change your behavior toward him.
You fear that if you stand, he will leave; but this cannot continue..like I said, he does it because he can, and you allow him to continue.
One other thing; he's a BULLY; and bullies are weak people who prey on those they perceive are weaker than they are....come at him from a position of strength; not weakness.
Change must truly begin within ourselves; and we must needs change our behavior toward another person in order to begin the change of behavior within them.
As we change, they MUST change and come forward or leave..THEIR CHOICE; and the only way to break this cycle is to change first; making it clear this will no longer be tolerated.
Food for thought.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
