It surprises me that I feel this way, but I still want to make my marriage work.
My wife left me about a month ago; she is having an affair with a man from work. He is also married and has a child. He has also left his wife. My wife had been staying with a friend/her parents and then just moved into her new apartment yesterday. I found out that the other guy was staying at the same friend’s house while she was there. I have to guess he will be moving into her apartment as well.
This began back in November when I found out about the affair which was only emotional at the time. She left for a couple days and then returned through the Holidays. After the first of the year, I tried to talk about her feelings and she left, this time for good.
I started off with what I know now as the completely wrong approach. Begging, gifts, using our child (beautiful 18mo girl). All of this just pushed her away further. I have since at least tried to stop this behavior, however I have caught myself not being totally consistent with it.
We did go to a marriage counselor a couple times but it did not help, she had already made up her mind. Before that she saw a counselor on her own who told her she should leave! “Get some space and figure out what you want.” I have since tried to implement the changes I need to make without telling her "I've changed."
I just don't know if I am doing the right thing. I actually have a bad feeling she really loves this guy. I can't believe I still want her back so bad, but I do. I have ordered DR and I should have it tomorrow. I recognize all of my shortcomings and what I did to push her away. I drank too much, I would get angry and yell, I wouldn’t giver her enough attention and I can be controlling. I am working on all of these things. I have tried to be friends with her the last few weeks. I have been pretty good until we got together to talk about finances. I asked how she can do what she is doing. Tried to make her feel guilty about the other family. Of course this just made her very angry. Things smoothed out a little since and I have stopped initiating any of our conversations. 90% of what we have had has been in the form of text messages and have been limited to our daughter and what she will take from the house. I know that the chances of this ever working out are slim to none, but I at least want to know I did everything I could do. I keep feeling like she will just snap out of it, but then the painful reality sets in that in all likelihood we will never have the family again that I loved.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Anyways, after not contacting her in over 24hrs, I had to tell her about a note from daycare I got when I picked up our daughter today. It was about a Valentine's Day party of course!
Anyways, I told her about it and let her know I picked up some cookies for it. As long as I am friendly, she has been very friendly through all of this as well. We also need to bring in a family picture!!! I told her of one I had I could bring and she thought that was a good idea.
It is tough have these pleasant exchanges in some ways. It can make me feel like everything is normal for a second, and then that just amplifies the reality of the situation when you remember what is going on.
Any ways, I thought I would also post a reply I made on another forum. I think it has some information in it that could be useful in understanding our relationship.
"I have become aware of my problems and I know I am also responsible for the situation we are in. I drank too much, I was controlling, I didn't give her enough attention, we didn't do a lot of fun things togeter, etc. I also was at times verbally abusive. I take full responsibilty for my part, and I am working on improving myself in all of these areas.
She was a very loving wife until the last year or so. She was not a hurtful person. One of the problems in our relationship is she did not stand up for herself. She let me dominate and just bottled up her frustration.
I think of myself of somewhat of an oddity. I am social with friends, but do not really enjoy meeting new people. I can be a negative person. I have a temper.
I think I find I am attracted to people who have a greater deal of compasion than myself, and my wife had this. I feel like now she has done a 180. I think she always had to be the piece keeper. Always had to be the "nice" one, now she is doing the complete opposite."
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
It is always the hardest not to contact her after have pleasant back and forths. I want to keep it going, but I know I shouldn't.
The other thing I find hard, she is cheating on me! I feel like being nice is just making it easier on her. I never thought I would still want someone after they had cheated on me, never in a million years. But here I am, my wife is having an affair and I am the one wanting HER back. This should be the other way around!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
No, you're not an oddity. I am pretty much like you -- social with people, but had little to no personal/close friends. I was negative and always let my temper get the better of me. i still struggle with the latter, like this past two days, for example... I just get so impulsive.
As for your spouse turning into the opposite of who you fell in love with, well, personally I believe when there anger, frustration, hatred, i.e. no love, the Devil has his way.
[edited by dbmod: advertising, book is anti db principles]
What is the opinion on dating? Playing the jealousy card? Work? Hurt? Neither? [comment added by dbmod: These are against DB principles. It can be dangerous to your marriage. ]
Last edited by dbmod; 02/11/1101:59 AM.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Unfortunately real life gets in the way of keeping from contacting her. I found out while dropping my daughter off this morning that it is parent/teacher conferences next week. I let the wife know, and we are trying to work out a time.
My wife is a nurse so has some strange hours. However this has also made time with our daughter somewhat easier to schedule and manage. Basically, I get her on the nights she works and she gets her on her nights off. Most all exchanges don't happen in person, I drop her off at daycare, and she picks her up or vice versa.
Every other weekend (this being one of them) she is off Friday through Tuesday. The last two of these weekends she offered that I have her on the Monday night so I do not go 5 straight days without her. I have gladly accepted. She brought this up when we were just talking today. I feel bad, because I want to see my daughter as much as I can, but I lied, told her I had plans. I have to admit, this is mostly due to it being Valentines Day. I didn’t want to give her a night off to go do Lord knows what with the OM.
I don’t know if it was the right thing to do. On one hand it looks like I am busy and have a life, on the other I feel bad for not seeing my daughter, and I have a feeling she might see through my antics.
BTW, all of this back and forth is through text, always! Drives me crazy, wish she would talk on the phone more. I did make a joke and she (text) laughed and said I still had it. Drives me crazy really. If we can be so nice to each other, still make each other laugh, why can’t we fix this marriage!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
While dating is bad advice, being less predictable is good advice. Getting a life is good advice, and letting her be not so sure of you is good advice.
If you can laugh and have fun, you have a LOT going for yo utowards fixing this. Work it!
