I haven't done everything wrong...

[islander]

Well, I am seriously thinking on canceling our lunch. The more I think about it I feel like she is setting me up for something. And the Place she wanted to have lunch at, there is mo way we could even have a conversation. For all I know she is planning on giving me papers. I may tell her to grab some food and brin it to the house. Up to her if she wants to or not.

And you guys are going to hit me with 2x4s repeatedly for this....I think that if and when we do meet, I will let her take the lead and see where it goes. But, I am going to tell her that if she doesnt want to work on our marriage, there is no point in being friends. I will say it better than that, and tell her i do not want a divorce, i love her and am committed to her and our M and family. I will tell her that I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage, but that I am willing to walk away with nothing.

Here is why. I believe that I am in the after the LRT stage. She is living with OM. I have a limited amount of time. The only connection we really have is our house. Once I sells, there is nothing tying us together. (I have not put it up for sale yet). She implied the other day I should sell the house, then see what happens with us. This is no doubt a set up.

My W began her PA while I was putting my life on the line in the middle of the night, and did so in my house. I can forgive her, but I will In no way conti he to enable what she is doing.

I know my W very well, and she is attempting to put me in the "friend zone" to make this easier for her to move on. In her fantasy world of cake eating, she will have her R win OM and still have me as a friend and shoulder to cry on. I have seen her do this with her XH. I am not going down the same road. It will be better for her to see that now rather than later. Maybe it will give her the opportunity to see what she is doing. I believe this is my last chance. If I wait to long it will not work.
This would be different if she were not in a PA, but it is even worse bc she is livin with OM.

[Denver_2010]

Cancel the lunch if you are going to tell her those things Islander.

Why do you think that you are in the "After the LRT" stage? You haven't even given the LRT a chance??

So what if you sell your house? That does not erase the history that your W has with you! You don't think that THAT will continue to connect you??

Don't be guided by your fear Islander.

BITS
Denver

[dbmod]

Cancel the lunch if you are going to tell her those things Islander.

Why do you think that you are in the "After the LRT" stage? You haven't even given the LRT a chance??

So what if you sell your house? That does not erase the history that your W has with you! You don't think that THAT will continue to connect you??

Don't be guided by your fear Islander.

BITS
Denver

Perfect advice.

[islander]

I may not know my wife as well as I thought I did, but I know without a doubt what she is trying to do to our relationship. The more I act as if and befriend her, the more she is going to think that she is doing the right thing. Her perfect world is having me as a friend and keeping OM. This is what I do know.

I also know that I I tell her that we will not be freinds if she follows through with the D, it will possibly open her eyes to the full weight of her decision. It is very important to her that we remain friends. It is very important to me that we remain M.

I know that db is a guide that must be adjusted to the specific R. I am not saying that I will cut off all communication immediately, but she will notice me moving on.

I know how my W thinks, and I need to show her that I our R will not be the same as all her PR when she ended them

I did not have lunch with my W today. She did not feel well. I rescheduled it for Monday, and she will get take out and bring it to our house.

[Denver_2010]

Islander... No offense, but you don't know anything right now. You don't know what your W is thinking. Honestly man, I know that you think that you do, but you don't. And to top it off, I can say with a fair amount of confidence bc I have been where you are, you are not thinking clearly.

My advice... do NOT draw any, and I mean ANY, lines in the sand right now.

A quick story how my INaction on something that I was so sure would work with my W has now worked in my favor:

In November, a few days after W dropped the bomb on me that she LYBNILWY, that she was leaving, and that M was over, and after a few days of crying and pleading with my W to change her mind, I contacted a divorce attorney. This attorney is a fairly close friend of mine. I was thinking that the M was over, that I needed to start thinking D, so I scheduled an appointment to sit down with this attorney. In hindsight, I was NOT thinking clearly.

After scheduling the appointment with the attorney, I decided that I was going to proactively file for a D. Now I'm an attorney myself and it would have taken me about 30 minutes to complete the paperwork, write a check for the filing fee, and file it with the court. It would have taken me about another 18 hours to get it served on my W.

I had court with a client of my own in the same jurisdiction that my W and I live in. Afterward I finished with my own client, I walked into the domestic relations area of the courthouse and got the required paperwork. I sat down to complete it and my intent was to file it and then have it served.

Coincidentally, a friend of mine called me on my cell right before beginning this. I told him what I was doing and he suggested that I wait a little while before I did anything rash. I thought about it and decided to heed his advice. I took the paperwork home and put it on my counter.

Well, I never filed that paperwork and I ended up canceling the appointment with that attorney. Almost 3 months later, a D has not been filed by either me or my W, and I still have not met with my attorney friend.

What's more, is that I am having dinner with my W tomorrow night to discuss our M. I don't know if that will go well or not, but what I do know, is that if I had filed for a D back in November, it would not be happening.

My "theory" at the time that I was considering for filing for a D myself was that it would wake my W up to the reality of what she was doing. It would make her see the light... that she was going to lose me by choosing to leave me.

See, I didn't want a D... I didn't want to start the process myself... My idea was going to be used as a strategy to get my W back... BC I THOUGHT that I knew how my W would respond. Bc I THOUGHT That I was thinking rationally at the time.

Just food for thought man.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Thanks Denver. I don't know what I am going to say on Monday. As far as drawing the line in the sand, idk. I understand your point in not doing that.

I feel that I have a little bit more insight into how my W is thinking right now. I am on good terms with her XH. She left her marriage with him in the same manner she is leaving ours. Down to how long they were together and married. When we first got together, she had just left her H, but they were still married. I know, I should not have began our relationship that way, but that is how it started. At that time, she told him the same things that she is telling me now. Its like I have a blueprint for what she is doing.

[Denver_2010]

And how did her XH respond?

[islander]

He pursued. Drove her further away. I know the talk I want to have is pursuing behavior, but I have to let her know that I am not going to be like her XH and continue to be "friends". I have not chased her for awhile, and I am not going to chase her. She told me that she just used me to get over him (lie). If she really believes that, she is now using OM to get over me. I pointed this out several weeks ago, and she said that her original statement was no longer true. Makes me want to scream. At that time she said she has never truly been alone and had always been in a relationship, and she was going to finally support herself and figure out what she wanted. Then she moves in with OM. Again, I want to scream.

I feel that this is a conversation that I have to have with her. I know she believes we will still be friends. Even now, she is asking me for advice on something she wants to buy and contacting me about trivial things like everything is great between us.

[Denver_2010]

You're repeating XH's mistakes, Islander. I know that it does not seem like it to you. Trust me, it is hard to see your own situation when you are in the sh!t. From the outside looking in, where I am at with you, things are much clearer. At least right now.

Do you need to tell her that you won't be friends with her NOW? If so, why?

Why not wait, say, 4 weeks?

What is 4 weeks in a lifetime?

Give it some thought Islander.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Trust me, all I am doing is thinking and praying about it. As of right now, I don't know what I am going to say on Monday. I feel so exhausted with this, I am tired of thinking about it so much.