When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Let me ask you this...Are YOU in it for the long haul? What are you wanting this to be?

That is a very fair question kat and I don't have much of an answer. I have no confidence in my ability to maintain any kind of a R so, in short, no - I'm not in it for the long haul. I don't believe in forever anymore. I don't believe in the 'power of love'. Call me whatever you want but that's the honest truth. Anyone who can maintain their belief in love after what we have gone through has my utmost respect, I'm not one of those.

What do I want this to be? No idea. My stupid heart is still engaged and has those foolish girlhood fantasies of a happy family with a man who loves and cares for me, is tender and kind and comforting. My head knows that is not reality. So what do I want? Stability. That is the most I can hope for but I don't know what it's going to take to feel like that.

My sarcasm has never been used to be snarky toward people (except when I'm pushed WAY too far). It's always been used in a joking manner and usually is self-depricating more than anything else. Even that was something Gabe said made him feel disrespected so I have become very dull (IMO) because I don't speak the way I used to. Yes, I should just be myself and to heck with him and what he thinks of it but it's become habit to bite my tongue and fight my nature.