Less Scared and Less Alone

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost, I want to share something with you that came up when I was working with my C. About 20 minutes into my second appointment with him, he asked me if I would be willing to take come constructive criticism. Of course, I accepted since my insurance company is paying this guy hundreds of dollars per hour. It went something like this:

C: Your most glaring and obvious block to your happiness right now is that you are a complete and total control freak about your life.

Me: Yea, tell me something I don't know.

C: Well, you obviously don't know how to deal with it. You are letting your endless need to control ever aspect of your life destroy the very life you are supposed be living and enjoying. (name), life is not about the logistics, it is about the experiences. And, you, my friend, miss all the experiences because you are too busy planning the next move..."

Lost, it only took him 1 1/2 appointments to come to that conclusion. Then he went on:

C: "(name) I need to warn you now so that you can think about this a bit before our next appointment. Separation and divorce is the absolute worst nightmare of a control freak like yourself. You had better prepare yourself for the longest, hardest, most trying period in your life. I am worried that you are not complete ready emotionally for what you are about to endure. We have some work to do."

Me: So, what next?

The point of all this is to let you know that you are not alone in battling these feelings. Eleven years ago, my father passed at a very young age and it devastated me to the point that I do believe I have been living in depression the entire time. But, the real tragedy is that I became this person that suddenly believed if he controlled everything and every aspect of his life, I could some how prevent bad things from ever happening to my family again. I was wrong. Very, very, very wrong.

During the long conversations between my W and I right before she left, she confessed to me that about five years ago, she started feeling like there was a problem in our marriage. Not a strong feeling, but it was there. That was about the time that my "controlling" behavior was at it's peak. My point? While I was working so hard to fight off this imaginary "demon" that only I could see, I neglected my marriage. While I fought on this imaginary "front line" that I had created in my mind, all the stuff at home was falling apart. In essence, my never-ending need to control ultimately destroyed my marriage. Now that, my friend, is the true definition of irony!!!

Please try to relax the "controlling" side of you right now. Let some things go for once. You will see that the world will not come to an end. I have been doing this for the past four months and I have found out that life is better if you relax a little. And, I have found that with my new, more relaxed attitude, I am better able to cope when things do go wrong. I don't fly off the handle or jump to conclusions. Please, for me, give it a try. For the next week, just let a few things "roll off your back" instead of trying to control or change them and see what happens. I promise you will feel better!!!

Your friend,

FOBD