Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[Denver_2010]

Denver and 2step... fly out here and take my H out for a beer?

And to knock some sense into him for treating such a wonderful woman the way that he is? Yes.

R talk... because I'm insecure. Because after being completely disillusioned in December and thinking we were happy while he was on the dating site the whole time.... I need to know we're together. I need to know he's being faithful. I need to know he's in this 100%. Right now we're just happily moving along, pretending like all that didn't happen. I'm scared to rock the boat. Scared to bring it up. But I need to talk. I need to know. I need to feel close to him and I can't do that if we are scared to talk about things. I tried a bit of R talk this morning and asked if we were ok. Asked if I was a priority and not an option (per the old quote - "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option" or something like that). Asked he was really committed to me. His response. "Yes, as long as you don't go psycho". Huh? WTH does that mean?! When I asked him what that meant, he couldn't answer. I asked if he meant as long as I don't get upset or disagree with him? He said no and laughed it off. Seriously, "psycho"?!?! He really doesn't get that he's pretty darn lucky I'm still here and love him and am trying hard to make both of us happy.

Yes, he is lucky. And he doesn't know it. The psycho comment most likely came as more of a joke than him being serious I'm guessing. He is uncomfortable with R talk right now. So he uses comments such as that to deflect the convo. My guess anyway. Was the comment insensitive and open for misinterpretation? Hell yeah! But he's a man. We're not very bright sometimes.

Personally, I wouldn't push him too much with the R talk. It's too early. I know that you feel that you need validation. Do you REALLY need that right now? Wouldn't be okay to just continue to have positive experiences with H for the time being?

Are you going to believe him if the R talk goes well... so soon after his WAH incident? And how will you feel if it doesn't go well? What would you do? Leave him?

My H has a big ego, compounded by insecurity and selfishness = narcissism. When he's nice, he's amazing. When he's being a jerk, he's really a jerk. He's nice when he wants something or gets his way.... not because he's personally driven by compassion to just be nice. That sounds awful, but it's true. I know if I work to make him happy, he'll try to make me happy. He will never, ever be nice just to be nice. We are wired completely differently. I am too nice.

Did you know all of this when you M'd him?

Has he changed? Or, have you?

So do I spend the rest of my life being nice to him, walking around on eggshells, being a happy robot, hoping he'll be nice back? That's the question. No one should have to earn compassion. I just want to relax, to be able to breathe again, to trust him with my heart and soul, to know that today, tomorrow, 20 years from now... he'll be by my nice, kind, loyal, loving me no matter what. I want to believe deep down he's a good man who's scared. But I don't want to believe in a fantasy either.

Only you can decide Hope. I know that it is hard. I'm sorry that I can't give you a good answer.

I guess I just keep keeping on. Being positive around him, being supportive, being funny and fun. Being the wife he wants and needs. And hoping and praying he continues on the path he's on of trying to be a good H and hoping and praying he's being honest and faithful. DB'ing on faith.

Until it gets good again, or until you can't anymore.

BITS
Denver