The last thing I need to do right now is jet off to Mexico, get completely blasted on tequila due to depression and end up in bed with someone else. And, yes, that could happen when you mix, singles, alcohol, depression and warm beach breezes.
It is great that you recognize the dangers of acting "single" when you aren't.
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
It is just that I have tried and tried over the past couple of weeks to make my wife understand that she does not have to act like an *ss to me anymore.
You do not need to convince her how to treat you. She will decide that all on her own. And it may not be the way you think she should treat you, at least for a while.
Moving beyond that, will only happen, if you continue to show her that you are not the a$$ she thinks, and then she will make the choice to treat you differently or not.
You do see and understand how to diffuse the negative situations before they escalate. That is a good thing.
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
You must understand, I am trying to kill the old "bad husband me" but he is a tough S.O.B. to kill. You must know, six months ago, I would have torn into her for her behavior last night and then asked her to leave the house.
That honestly does not surprise me one bit.
Originally Posted By: FellonBlackDays
I do appreciate your post and I do want you to know that it did make me think about my actions.
This was the goal. We have to really be aware of ourselves, and how we present ourselves to others.
Believe it or not, people see more than they hear and our actions will always be the best representation of ourselves that we can present.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I think you are making good progress FOBD. Cat makes some fine points and this is the kind of feedback that can help you move to the next level. Whether you can do that depends on if you are aready to receive the advice being given. If you are not at this very moment, come back and read it again a bit later, maybe you will be in a place to truly receive it and live it then.
You should definitely be proud of what you have done so far, but it is also often the posts that are hardest to accept that lead to the most growth.
Best wishes, SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Cat and Spellfire, Thanks again for the honesty. You see, for years, I was one of those people who always thought they knew what was best. I am learning the hard way that this just is not true. I am learning that my idiotic behavior has resulted in me living in my house alone. Not at all where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Although your critique of my post was a bit stern, I am OK with that. That is why I come here.
At this point in my life, I have a choice to make. Change for the better and live a better life or keep doing the same old sh*t and die alone. I think we both know what would be the better choice and the way that I am pushing right now.
Hey, the world is not all sunshine and kisses. The responses to all my posts are not going to be "attaboys" and that is OK. I am trying to learn and when a person is trying to learn all feedback can't be a "glowing review" of the performance. Please continue to monitor my posts if you have the time.
Thanks again to the both of you!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Hey FOBD! A nice 2x4 by one of the vets isn't going to hurt us, right? Hell, there are enough 2x4s on my thread from just today to build a house.
Just makes us stronger. It's how we've learned what we have so far. Keep moving forward...
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
FOBD I am separated after a 33 year marriage and my DW wants nothing to do with me and refuses to even talk to me - so this proves that I do NOT have a clue about marriages or winning your wife back. That said, here is my two cents worth.
1. I want my W back as the love of my life more than life itself. 2. I am treating her with honor, respect and doing only those things relative to her that I would do for my best friend in my life - which she is. If I would not do something or say something to my very best friend - I am not doing it or saying it to my W - no matter what she or anyone else says - she is my best friend, I love her, and I am treating her accordingly.
Just my input after 33 years
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
Denver, you said it, buddy. I guess what they say is true, a person is NEVER really too old to learn about life. I am 39 years old and I have spent the past three months feeling like I am 15 again.
Hey, from one BITS to another, I wish you the very best of luck tomorrow night. I have a pretty hectic schedule tomorrow, but I will be sending you some positive vibes for the "ride" tomorrow night. Just remember, listen more than speaking, apologize more than accusing, and affirm more than alienating, and you will be fine.
Just today, a good friend of mine was giving me some advice on how to deal with my W. He is divorced and now remarried. He told me that the next time she is "doing her little dog and pony show" in front of me, don't get mad or hurt. Flush your mind and imagine that you are in a coffee shop and the stuff your W is saying to you is actually being said between two people you don't even know. Imagine that your W is a perfect stranger and you are just eves-dropping on her conducting her little show to another man you don't know. How would you think differently of her? Wouldn't you be able to judge her differently if there were no emotion or history involved? It is some sound advice. It is a good way to keep your emotions out of your responses tomorrow night. Just give it a try.
Good luck!!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Thanks FOBD. I feel like I have a big job interview. LOL...
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Firstlove, Good to meet you and thanks for your input. Please feel free to jump in at any time. We are all one big family here. I am very sorry that you are going through this after such a long marriage. If you need anything or just want to talk, we are all here. Any words of wisdom you can impart here will always be appreciated and valued. I hope you have having a good evening and take care!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I think your friend has given you solid advice. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is keep our mouth shut. I have to tell you I have really been at peace these last two days. To really let go of our W and just concentrate on us has made a huge difference in the way I interact with her. Once you realize that you will be in a better place mentally and more prepared to handle all she throws at you. Remember this is about you staying the course, I know we all want to get our W back but sometimes the best way to do that is to stop doing things to show her and to just do it because that is who we are.
Letting go is scary, prob one of the scariest things you will ever do but also one of the more important because it is when you really start to find out who you are becoming. She is not going to disappear and never talk to you again, you just have to make sure when she does you have ACTUALLY changed and are not putting up a front.
