The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

I would have to be able to trust that she is coming back for the right reasons.

I would have to be able to trust or have faith that she is capable of doing the work, and commits to doing it.

Agreed.

I would not assume that she expects you to fix or rescue.

From what you described you treated your W like a child. Do you think she likes that?

Wants more of the same?

No. I know that she doesn't want me to treat her like a child. There is a huge part of her that wants to be independent... that IS independent. But there is also a huge part of her that wants to feel 'safe' with me. That I will protect her. At some point, I went from making her feel safe and protected, to feeling like I was controlling bc I was trying to 'fix' too much. It is a fine line. With my W anyway.

If she ASKS you for help then it is up to you whether you decide to give it. Or what is fair in the situation.

This was not your choice it was hers. So for her to ask you for help with her choice...

Doesn't really go along with the space and freedom idea does it.

Kinda contradicts huh?

There is a middle of the road choice here if you have the fortitude to do it.

It is not overly friendly nor shutting her off either.

Grit - I wonder if the differences in our situations should be considered. What I mean is that your W was MLC. I don't recall you speaking very much of really being a bad H during your M. I know that you weren't perfect, none of us are. But in my sitch, I was a really bad H for the last 10 months my W was with me, and wasn't that wonderful in the other 6+ years of our R. During those last 10 months, I really think that I could have been defined as a WAH. My W got sick of being lonely and with me constantly being mad at her. So she left. I don't think that there is much MLC with her. Maybe some, but not much.

So for you, there may not have been as much need for you to show your W the type of change that my W needs to see from me. I don't know. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

What I'm saying is that your R rests more with your W coming out of MLC fog whereas for me, it rests more with my W, yes coming out of WAW fog, but also seeing and believing that I can be the H that she always believed that I could be.

When she calls show her the new Denver. Let her lead the convo. Don't ask a bunch of questions or about how she's doing etc. let her tell you.

Don't call her let her call you.

See what happens.

I did do this. And she started to contact me. Slowly, but surely. It worked! I'm just not so sure that I'm still in that phase of things. Now, if things go poorly tomorrow night with dinner with W, then maybe I will see things differently. Guess we'll see.

Denver this is not a thing of absolutes but I can tell you that the more space you give her, validation and stop fixing the better you both will be.

The best thing for her is for her to live her choices and for you to let her live with the consequences.

Your logic is to get her back to M first.

IMO there has not been enough time apart. The turkey has just started to cook.

I say all this with the caveat that you know your W better than we.

Well, I think so anyway. But like I said, I will know more by Friday. Good or bad.

Anyway it is a good question and I remember thinking through it myself.

My asnwer was to detach from what was happening in her life and what she was choosing.

I heard a lot of words early on like you that I thought she might be thinking of coming back

In the end space was the answer for me but I did a lot of what you are doing.

It's not wrong it just can be very tiresome and painful.

That's just what I learned.

The tiresome and the painful... yes. I see that very much. I can't continue with the path that I'm on unless I continue to see progress and positive results. If it things start to go backwards again, I can see myself doing exactly what you did for my own good.