Yes, those sites do have too much God stuff, even for me! It's good and all, but there also needs to be practical applications that can be applied to the issue at hand, i.e. Porn and how the family can deal with it.
Thank you Sandi, Spellfire - I wholeheartedly agree. One thing the DB coach observed about me yesterday was that I tend to start out with a DB plan whenever my wife and I conversate, but let my feelings and hence adrenaline get in the way of effective communication. So for instance, when my wife yells for me, I'd tend to let her know that she's being rude in a snide way, rather than calming fashion. I hate how easily I get riled up sometimes. This is one of my 180s...and you know, it works fine outside the home, but something about me talking to my wife brings out the old habits. Mind you, it's less so nowadays, but it still shows up enough times to turn my wife off.
That is one of the biggest challenges, mastering your emotions so that you can respond in a calm and mature manner.
Think of it as the struggle between your inner child/boy and inner adult/man. The inner child gets his feelings hurt easily, and lashes out as a defense. The inner adult remains calm, and is self-regulating with regards to his emotions. What this means is that the actions and words of others do not impact his emotions nearly as much.
Spend some time looking inside yourself. Try to identify the inner child, and get to know him a bit. Think of some of the things you say and do that reflect this in you.
You inner child is great to have at times. He sure knows how to laugh and have fun, but don't let him rule your interactions with other adults.
Your job is to silence him.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Why is it more emotionally complicated whenever there's a child involved? Why do I say that, you may ask?
Well, I was having homemade burgers for dinner with my son, when my wife comes home and basically says:
W: Do you have any plans tonight? M: No, I don't. Many seconds later... W: Well, I want me and 'E' (our son) to have time to ourselves to talk to his grandparents on the phone (or Skype, or whatever). I don't want to be all guarded because you might be upstairs listening on our conversation. I didn't answer right away, and waited about a minute... M: Well, what are you suggesting? W: Maybe you can go out... If you need to run some errands. M: I don't have errands. Then I continued packing up dinner and fed our dog before I said: I will go out for a drive. Just tell me when you want to call your parents and how long you're going to talk to them. W: Now would be good. And I need about thirty minutes. M: Okay.
Ugh, how would YOU answer or act in a situation like this? I did it as respect for her requested privacy. That said, what's so awkward about her parents talking to our son and me possibly hearing what they're talking about that requires me to be gone?
Ugh, how would YOU answer or act in a situation like this? I did it as respect for her requested privacy. That said, what's so awkward about her parents talking to our son and me possibly hearing what they're talking about that requires me to be gone?
"I wont listen in since you are asking me not to. I am not going anywhere though."
Emphasis on she is asking you, and not telling you.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Stop being so attached to what she has to say about you. The only opinion of you that matters is your own.
Quote:
Can't seem to do anything right.
Again, you are waaaaay too attached to her opinion of you. What you are really saying here is "she has me wrapped around her little finger, and I try and try to supplicate her, but she still treats me like s*** regardless".
She has all the power in the R, and as a result she does not respect you. You need to set boundaries and enforce them. Lets get to work...
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Ugh, how would YOU answer or act in a situation like this? I did it as respect for her requested privacy. That said, what's so awkward about her parents talking to our son and me possibly hearing what they're talking about that requires me to be gone?
"I wont listen in since you are asking me not to. I am not going anywhere though."
Emphasis on she is asking you, and not telling you.
Based on past experiences, if I said something like what you suggested, i.e. "I won't listen in on the conversation", she wouldn't believe one word of it and get irate about it. I would do it, if my son wasn't a factor in this, you know? In this case, I played chicken with her and I lost.
Stop being so attached to what she has to say about you. The only opinion of you that matters is your own.
Quote:
Can't seem to do anything right.
Again, you are waaaaay too attached to her opinion of you. What you are really saying here is "she has me wrapped around her little finger, and I try and try to supplicate her, but she still treats me like s*** regardless".
She has all the power in the R, and as a result she does not respect you. You need to set boundaries and enforce them. Lets get to work...
I'm having a hard time finding a balance between standing up for my boudaries versus looking like I'm retaliating against my wife, her decisions and her thoughts, which were things I did a lot during our marriage. How did you create and especially enforce yours, Mike?
Last night I was fixing to give my son a bath before bed. He was watching a video in my wife's room, and when I came to get him, he had a conniption and basically culminating with him asking for mom to give him a bath. I'm the main bath guy so this was rare, but my wife went ahead and gave him a bath. My wife and I had a little tiff about his shampoo (she brought it up and it's the conversation where she called me a liar). Afterwards, as he was getting dressed for bed by his mom, he had a fit and wouldn't stop crying and screaming. I hadn't seen him cry and wail like this since he was a newborn. So mommy tried everything and eventually asked him if he'd like to sleep with her. He did, of course. For some reason, my wife came to my room and explained away why he wanted to sleep in her room. Again, she stopped the conversation when I started agreeing and talking about how our son might be feeling.
Anyway, I thought the conversation could've been more positive, especially from my side. So this morning, I texted her while I was out at breakfast with the guys from church: "I appreciate you for comforting Ezra and letting him sleep with you overnight."
This is weird. I go around the house on my nightly routine - turn off heater, make sure doors locked, and when I open the door to the garage to check if the garage door is open, the garage light is on. Without thinking I turned it off, then I thought about it again and turned it back on. Then I see my wife talking on the phone in the car. Then she opens the door and irately says, "will you stop spying on me?" I told her I wasn't but was checking the garage, then I left.
Okay, so there are things that the DB/DR books say will push my wife away, such as snooping, checking up on what she does, etc. But in this case, and others before, my wife imagines (but personally believes) I'm spying on her, so does that mean I'm pushing her away without me even lifting a finger? I know it's distrust and paranoia I'm facing here, and I need to care about myself, because there's nothing that will alter her perception.
Dear God, help me see past this fog, and may I develop trust and patience for myself as well as others.
