will this letter do more damage than good?

[Grocerykartman]

Grrr...Bolt is right. Time to move on from this letter, and you WILL move on and at some point all but forget all about it. No big deal in the long run.

But your post got me thinking. Maybe something like this already exists, as I am still fairly new to all the DBing from just last year. You know how there's that DB list of things not to do that gets forwarded rather frequently on here...the 38 or 39 or so pursuing related things? I wonder if there would be any merit to compiling a list of things to REALLY REALLY NOT DO. It seems like so many of us, myself included, have went the route of sending a letter to the WAS thinking it would work, though probably even having a gut feel that it was not a good idea. The title of this thread says it all, really, it's like you consider the letter is potentially going to backfire but you can't resist the pen or the keyboard once it really looks like the wheels are coming off your marriage.

This is in no way an attempt to critique or beat up on Grrr....I empathize with anyone who has sent a letter or is thinking about doing so. It's very hard not to.

I just wish there was a list that of major NO NO's which might start with something like...

1. Do not send a heartfelt, lay all your cards on the table letter to your WAS. Go ahead and write it to yourself, but NEVER send it. It is almost certain that it will not resonate with the WAS the way you hope it will. Rather, it IS almost certain that they will become more withdrawn due to any or all of the following: Guilt that they don't want to deal with, anger because you'll make changes NOW rather than while their heart was into the relationship, disbelief that you will do what you're professing you will do, unsurety as to how to respond, invalidation of their feelings, and so on. Plus, if you put your heart and soul into a letter and it is not met with your expectations, how will you feel then? You can't take a letter back like you even can with words, it shows much more thought and premeditation than words do.

2. I would add some NO-NO's to such a list about confronting the OM/OW and contacting their spouses but that is not applicable to this thread.

Has anyone seen anything over the years like this? Would have saved me some regrets, and I'm sure many many others.