The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

The problem lies in that I can't set any boundaries right now. I have to be a doormat without seeming to be a doormat!! Without feeling like a doormat!

I disagree with this statement. Do you feel like a doormat? Why? She is your W correct? I also disagree with the fact that you can’t set boundaries; for you it might be one thing for me another. I will travel this lonely road alone, I will suffer and I will learn but I will not lose myself and become someone I am not. I have my boundaries set with my W, a point I will not cross.

That statement is really, really true 2Step. There are definitely things that I would not accept with W regardless of how that affected the outcome.

I have been worried that I am letting my W cake eat bc of how it may appear to those who do not know her like I do. In fact, I KNOW that she would never, ever come to me for help with anything unless she felt that there was still love between us and hope for our M.

This just made me think of something that happened about 2 weeks after my W dropped the bomb that she was definitely leaving our home and that the M was over... and happened just days before she actually did leave.

My W was car shopping. I was in the middle of pleading. begging, crying, and doing anything AND everything to try and convince her to change her mind. So I took a couple of days off from work and worked my a*s off to find the perfect car for her. The very car that she was looking for. I negotiated the price down to something that we/she could afford and finalized the deal. My W was working so was having a hard time finding the time to go out and do this herself. That is why I took it upon myself to do it. She kept telling me not to bc she felt badly that I was using my time and that the situation was what it was. When it came down to her coming down, signing the papers, and paying the down payment, I offered to give her $2,000 for additional downpayment so that her monthly payments would be right at what she had budgeted. She flat out refused to let me do this. W told me that it was not my responsibility at that point and that she didn't want to 'use' me like that.

I point this out, bc this is what I would expect my W to do if she believed that she was done with me, which she did at that time. I guess that this is why I don't think that W's acceptance of financial help that I have offered her recently is an indication of her 'using' me. And why I haven't felt the need to put up a boundary here.

Or maybe, I'm fooling myself. Who knows!

Another issue with this money thing is that if we do reconcile, I don't want her finances to be so jacked up that it puts our marital finances in a bad way! What am I suppose to do here?!?!

I think you are putting the cart before the horse. If you do reconcile……….the key work being IF. If you help her, then help her because it comes from the heart and you want to. I know about the finances trust me but if my W and I reconcile I will accept her as she is and through my changes I will have a better M that will enrich both our lives.

This is true also 2Step. The financial thing and how it affects our M finances WHEN we reconcile is only a secondary concern of mine.

I use the word WHEN rather than IF 2Step bc I believe in the power of positive thinking. I think that you should start viewing your sitch as something that is going to have a positive outcome rather than one that may have a positive outcome. There is so much fear of being hurt by having expectation amongst us all on this board. I fear it too. But it will not kill me. I will survive if I am wrong... I may come crying to you all though

How is it possible to love someone and want them so much yet feel so much anger and hate for them at the same time?

That is a good question. I get my answer every time I pass a mirror and see my reflection. Only the question changes to “how could she have a loved a man who fell so short in his responsibility to care and be compassionate for so long”.

Wow... absolutely wow 2Step. You have put into words perfectly how I have felt since my W left. And why I shouldn't be asking the question that I was the other night.

I hear so much talk on this forum that seems to discount the importance of why we came here in the first place, i.e., to save our M or R.

Not from me. I came here to save my M but I have found in the process how to save myself, either way for me it is a win win. What I want in my heart is to save my M and get back together with my W but I know after the pain has faded if I have failed I will arise a better man. So will you.

I know you are thinking with a much clearer mind today but I wanted to share my thoughts on your words yesterday. Your patience and consistency is something I have admired in you since I began to follow your thread. It’s funny I feel like I know you and I know your W I also understand your thought process, but I want to caution you heading into Thursday because negative thoughts would ruin all the progress you have made up to now.

I believe that you will make it and I am sure I will see you in the success stories of this website but in order to get there you must first take inventory in the changes you have made and make sure that they are REAL, not only for yourself but for the benefit of your M. As you pointed out, that is the end game of everyone here.

You are correct sir!! Sorry for having such a p!ss poor attitude the other night! I'm sure that it won't be the last time, but I recognize it for what it was at this point.

BITS!
Denver